(Image is a stock photo…not me…but I really loved it and thought it was perfect for this post!)
In a previous post, I wrote about having a vision for what kind of submissive I’d like to be. In a perfect world, with no interruptions or obligations outside of my relationship and all of the energy I could ever dream of, what would I (and He) want my submission to look like?
I’d be available to Him whenever He wanted me, for whatever He needed.
This isn’t completely off the mark for us now, as I rarely try to subdue to His advances. The only time I really find it difficult to be available is when I’m tired, depressed, or sick…but I’m tired quite often, and that is a bit of a problem sometimes, because our exhaustion doesn’t always line up. Also, sex helps Him relieve stress, so it’s a go to for Him, but when I’m stressed, sex is far from my mind (even though it likely would help me, too).
We’ve been struggling with finding time to “be together” earlier on work days. He doesn’t get home until 5:30, and we have family dinners and family time to consider until about 9:00. I know we just need to be more creative problem solvers, but availability of time cuts into the vision of D/s we have for ourselves.
This is why we came up with the idea of scheduling Wednesdays (since it’s halfway through the week) as a night to sort of devote ourselves to D/s. The idea is to turn off the TV when our son goes to bed and do something to reconnect in a D/s fashion. It means letting the possibilities stew in our brains for a few days, building up anticipation, as well.
There are things we could do to make my availability more obvious. For example, some time ago, I was charged with wearing things in the house that gave Him easy access to both my breasts and pussy. That way, any time the kiddo left the room, He could easily touch what He wanted. This isn’t always possible, but it could happen, intentionally, more often than it does.
I’d speak His love languages more fluidly.
Our busy lives can complicate our relationship in more ways than just eating up time. I try to be more physical, because I know we both need that, but what ends up happening is that I am more physical in ways that I need rather than in ways that He needs.
The hugs and kisses don’t happen as much as they should, and by the end of the day, I snuggle up next to Him on the couch and zone out to whatever TV show we are currently into.
After that, in bed, He wraps His arms around me, and we fall asleep. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of behavior that doesn’t involve much physical contact…especially contact that is sexual or romantic in nature.
But it’s the sexual that He needs the most, initiated by me. He needs to feel that desire from me, in other places than just the bedroom…to feel wanted.
I’d be better at providing Service.
I do try to serve Him first: drinks, dinner, etc. But I could be better at this. Especially once we’ve sat down on the couch for the evening. I cuddle up in my blanket and get a cat on my lap, and then I don’t want to get back up. I’m also easily annoyed by how often He needs me to refresh His drink or get Him things.
If I were the sub I envision in my mind, that sort of annoyance wouldn’t happen. For now, I could simply get better at keeping it to myself.
I’d up my game in the areas of Creativity and Initiative.
Aside from knowing and using His love language fluidly, this is the category that I need the most work in. It’s sort of part and parcel of knowing how He likes best to be loved…because providing regular proof of my desire for Him, actively looking for ways to please Him…is something He very much wants and needs.
While I’m improving with initiative, I’m terrible with creativity in this regard. That’s where reading other people’s blogs, reading fiction, and watching movies can help.
The Wednesday before last, I hurried home from work, donned a fishnet body stocking, and waited for Him to come home. It’s been a long time since I did such a thing. It really took little creativity, but it showed initiative. And He liked it. It was a new piece of lingerie that I’d selected specifically based on His requests, and I’d worn it specifically for Him. In a perfect world, I’d have the time, energy and creativity to do simple things like that more often.
Oh, wait…I don’t need to wait for a perfect world to do that. Or any of this. It really just takes committment.
So far, I’m basing this off of what both I and He would like to see in my submission.
But then I started really thinking about it, and I wouldn’t want my submission to be separate from my role as a wife. After all, that’s how it evolved, as a core characteristic that reached out for the complimentary dominance inside of Him. It’s part of what drew us to each other, far before D/s was ever a part of the conversation for us.
We aren’t religious, but the concept of being a submissive wife has always appealed to me, because (for me) it’s not just about sex. It’s about everything. It infiltrates all parts of how I interact with Him. For Him, the focus IS sexual, for the most part, as physical touch and words of affirmation are His key love languages, but I can’t imagine that my learning to become more in the arena of submission would be disappointing, because sex would still be a big part of it. And I feel that if it were more a part of my day to to day being, I’d be more likely to devote time and energy to it.
It would be harder to push aside or make excuses.
I’m going to be researching this a bit more and writing about what I find, figuring out how best to implement my findings into my life. I’m not sure completely where it will lead me. Trying to take concepts that alreay exist (and are a little controversial in this modern world) and bend them to create something that works for me and for our relationship can be complicated, not because it isn’t true to me and my nature (I’m not bending myself to an outside vision, but rather honing and perfecting my own…defining needs and ways of being that already exist within me – nameless and without definition…yet).
Next up…I’ll be discussing what I would want from my Dominant, in a perfect world. So stay tuned.