The Theory of (Pain) Relativity
I’m fairly new to “enjoying” pain. And I say that with a bit of a grimace, because I’m not sure I’d really call it “enjoyment” quite yet. But there is something appealing about it…something that keeps me coming back, at least periodically, to the thought of it. I’ve even requested spankings a few times, and while I wouldn’t call the feeling “enjoyment” quite yet (or ever?), I would call it cathartic…freeing…unwinding.
I suppose there’s real science to back what I’m feeling. The adrenaline rush…the endorphin release.
But it doesn’t always feel good…and it doesn’t always help me relax. Which means there’s an element of mindset involved here, as well. When I want it and when I’ve asked for it, I’m already prepped mentally and physically for what is coming. I have an expectation of what the impact is going to do to me emotionally, therefore the physical sensation is positive. When my mind is not in it, or when I am taken by surprise, it hurts much worse, and I tend to tighten and brace myself, rather than relax and soften into the sensations. Because I’m not mentally prepared, my body is not ready for the impact, the sensation is negative.
I guess that is also the difference between pleasure and punishment. When I ask for it, it is pleasurable. When I am I punished via impact, it is not.
But there is a mystical “in-between,” as well. A place where surprise knocks me off my emotional and mental balance and I find that even though I am not prepared, the sensation is not necessarily negative. It has a lot to do with intent.
If He is being playful or simply feels like smacking my behind, even though it might catch me off guard, and even though it might truly hurt, there is an element of pleasure involved, knowing that He finds pleasure in what He is doing and pleasure in my willingness to roll over, present my ass, and take what He is giving.
Pain is relative to the situation and relative to the particular mindset, then. For me, at least.
The Mark of Pain
I’m often fascinated and sometimes proud (or ashamed, depending on the purpose of the impact that put them there) of the hand prints, lines, or full red blossoms left on my skin after He spanks me. Feeling the warmth of the raised flesh shortly after with my fingers prolongs the experience, for good or bad.
Very rarely has He ever hit hard enough for the marks to last more than a few hours. A ghost of a print may be evident the following morning, but not often a bruise. It’s as though my body sucks it in like air, breathing in the experience and breathing out the pain.
My tolerance for pain is not high, and He has only put me past my limit a scant few times (all in instances of surprise or punishment). And while I do not think the impact was any greater, the marks remained longer, as if even my skin had refused to accept the blows. The red seemed angrier and concentrated rather than accepting and diffused.
I’m still coming to terms with my interest in pain; I’m “pain curious,” let’s say. I’m curious enough, however, that the interest is not likely to lessen, but rather grow and become much more complex.
Or maybe it will be simple. Not everything has to mean something. Sometimes, a feeling is just that…a feeling. And if pain sometimes feels good, maybe it doesn’t need to be dissected or justified. Maybe it just needs to be.
Not All Types of Pain are Equal
I can handle the pain of His bare hand…the flogger, a crop. The wooden spoon? That’s a bit much. The Wartenburg wheel sends me through the roof (not so much because it actually hurts, but because I find the sensation to be too intense…it’s almost like a “painful” tickle). I have a tendency to giggle maniacally when He uses this tool on me. Electro-stimulation hasn’t gone well for us either. You can read THAT story HERE. Have a few laughs on me.
I also have intensely sensitive nipples. He loves to take advantage of that and torture the crap out of me by pinching them on a regular basis. He’s even fallen back on this as a form of punishment.
And while He’s not one to physically punish me often, it has been a part of our D/s relationship on more than one occasion. (Read: “Punishment’s Emerging Role in Our Relationship”)
It’s a journey, I guess: this relationship with pain. Not one I am likely to quit any time soon. There is room for curiosity…openness to experimentation. It’s not always my choice, of course. But still…