Journal: Finding our Rhythm

I’m not terrible at giving head, but I wouldn’t call myself “expert” level, either. I get the job done and manage to avoid biting, scraping, or harming my Husband. I’m decent at technique, but I’m not fond of swallowing, and He usually prefers to cum inside my pussy, anyway.

But this weekend, I not only initiated sex (I know, right?) via a blow job (wtf? who am I right now?) on Saturday morning (which was acceptable, though it did lead to regular old – good – missionary position sex), but I also sucked Him, at His request, to climax the next day (in the middle of the day! on the couch!).

Later that evening, He told me it was possibly the most intense orgasm He’s had in the past decade.

Wow.

I’m not sure whether to be very flattered or very disheartened. But, I’ll choose to be flattered and leave it at that. No use ruining it by letting my sexual insecurity get the better of me when I’ve simply made the man happy.

I’m glad I got Him off. And I’m happy that we had sex…twice…in the same weekend.

I know He reads this blog, so it’s hard sometimes to be completely honest about things, but I’ve got this plan to have some sort of sexual/intimate interaction EVERY day for as long as I can make it happen. I’ve noticed that, for me, sex is like a drug. Once I have it, I want more of it…and more of it. I’ve heard from several readers that this is the case for them, as well, so I’d say it is fairly common for women (and maybe men, too?) to want more of what they’re getting.

My libido is hit or miss for a number of reasons: exhaustion, lack of focus, overwhelm, depression, age, etc. But, right now I’m on the upswing…that time of year when I start to come out of the dark and begin to reconnect. So, I’m gong to run with it. I’m adding to my Erotic Bucket List (I’d like to actually try a few of these things this year!), tracking things (like initiation, masturbation, positions, locations, etc.), and getting back to the blog in an effort to rejuvenate my sex drive. These things work, after all.

It’s when one of us drops the ball, or gets sick, or work gets in the way that the whole thing crumbles. We’re also not very good at having a young teenager around all the time who never wants to go to his grandparents anymore (I think we’re going to have to force that, so we can have at least a little time alone from time to time).

For now, I’m just going to revel in the fact that sex is happening, and my body (and mind) is craving it.

The D/s isn’t going very well right now, but I have faith that we can get that back on track, too. It takes me being more of an active sub. I recently read this article that breaks submission into three levels: operational (the way our relationship has always just been and what I think we normally engage in when it comes to D/s, where the “power dynamic is acknowledged but rarely actuated”), active (where the sub is required to be attentive to the Dom’s needs – which I do from time to time, getting drinks, making coffee, following (some) rules, being sexually available, etc.), and slave.

I’m not sure I completely agree with the levels in the article, but I do believe that submission can be active or passive. I tend mostly to be a passive sub, which really needs to change if our D/s relationship is going to improve or even survive. My passivity frustrates Him, and makes Him feel as if He’s doing all the work, which, quite honestly at times, He is. I also don’t commit completely to the rules we’ve agreed upon. I struggle with sending Him photos when I masturbate, sending sexually explicit videos/photos each week, practicing my ability to squirt, acting upon my sexual thoughts. Basically, it’s a matter of inhibition…inhibitions that I need to let go of. Sometimes that is easier said than done. Like, right now, giving myself to Him completely sounds like a beautiful thing…freeing and healing. But, at other times, it feels frustrating and inconvenient because it doesn’t always feel like it works.

That’s the crack I need to fix. Because I love being His. I love pleasing Him. I love being the good girl.

But being a good girl takes more work on my part. More commitment. More action. More effort to please Him…in the ways He likes to be pleased.

We’re still finding our rhythm, I guess…even after all this time.