30 Days of D/s,  Experience,  My EJC Responses,  Photography

I finally finished “30 Days of D/s” (and it only took 9 months!)

Yesterday, I sent Him a text:

“It’s no-panty Friday and I’m itching for your cock…and your hand on my ass…”

Along with this image (which I also posted on Twitter):

He didn’t say anything about it, and we just hung out on the couch drinking coffee, reading, and waiting for the youngster to head off to the movies with His friend (something that is causing more and more of an obstruction to our sex life as he gets older and becomes more aware). I even headed off to do some chores and fuck around on the internet in my writing cave.

When suddenly, this text appeared:

“I don’t like waiting.”

Not everyone will understand the particular emotion that a text like that might incite. But those who do, know that it was a mix of thrill and an “oh, shit!” of the “oops, what have I done, and what will be the consequence?” variety, which also branches into feelings of excitement and concern, equally.

Suffice it to say, my body was on instant notice, and I didn’t even finish the sentence I was writing before I stood up and scurried into the bedroom to find Him naked in the bed with “that look.” The one where his usually blue eyes darken to near black. The look that is a mix of hunger, sadism, and excitement. It’s a look that disarms me, because it is primal and reminds me how natural this state is for Him, and how “caged” it often is.

I took of my clothes and climbed in beside Him, face down as guided. He proceeded to swat me and tickle me with a flogger and crop, then simply opted for His bare hand cracking across my ass. I squealed and squirmed, and counted as commanded.

Then He inserted the Simplicity Rabbit G-Spot vibrator in my cunt. Ah, such a lovely feeling, the slow thrusting of that toy at the discretion of His chosen rhythm. Just a few moments, and He left it where it was, buzzing inside of me. I clenched around it to keep it in place, as He spread my cheeks and I felt the cold drops of lube hit my asshole. The uncontrollable tension and tightness that resulted from the intrusion was momentary, because I knew I had to relax every muscle to take whatever He was about to insert. It turned out to be the Leaf vibrator, He manually wielded both toys until I was squirming, but as the Leaf wouldn’t stay put (it kept popping out every time he took His hands away), He pulled it out, cast it aside without even turning it off, and said, “I know what will stay put.”

He pushed my thighs together, leaving the Rabbit in, just barely teasing my clit, and straddled me. I relaxed, pushing my ass up a bit to receive Him, trying to keep the Rabbit inside me, aching for the clitoral stimulation to increase. But the damn thing kept disconnecting and the vibration was just south of direct contact.

He spread my cheeks and pressed the tip of his cock to my entrance and pushed Himself inside.

Sometimes, anal sex is complicated. Sometimes, I can honestly say it’s painful. I feel too full or it stretches and pinches. But other times, times like this where I am already lubed and open and accommodating, it feels like bliss to have Him thrusting into me this way…the curve of His belly fitted perfectly in to the curve of my lower back, our bodies undulating in harmony. We verbalized pleasure in sounds…not words, just audible releases of vocalized hunger and need. I probably make it sound more artful and poetic than it was by describing it this way, but in retrospect, those sounds really are a sort of poetry, are they not? So base the action needs no words, just grunts of fulfillment and pleading whimpers.

I could feel Him preparing to come, the tightening of His thighs against mine, the contraction of His abdominal muscles, the periodic, momentary holdings of His breath. And I let go…because that is how it happens…the reverberating deep orgasm deep within my cunt. The kind that makes me gush. The kind that sends warm waves of pleasure from my core outward to my extremities. Not the intense sort. My clitoris wasn’t completely engaged…just the kind that makes me feels as if I’ve just slipped into a very warm bath and relaxed every muscle.

It was a lovely mid-afternoon fuck.

Which leads me to this part…Many moons ago, I engaged in Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s. It was an excellent activity for me and taught me a lot about what I want (and don’t want) in a D/s relationship. In fact, it was really the resurgence of our D/s marriage when, halfway through the blogging challenge, I requested that we revive things (read: It Begins with an Offering of Submission). It worked out, too…because He wanted (and needed) it as deeply as I did (read: How He Accepted My Submission). I finished out the challenge, but somehow neglected to ever finish the final entry:

Congratulations on getting to day 30! (Yes, even if it’s really day 45 or 60 because life got in the way)…. We can’t promise your life will change because of this, but you’ve got notes and thoughts and conversations to use on your journey that you didn’t have before. And that’s a big accomplishment.

What is this last day about? [….] Take a look back at any posts or emails you wrote, notes you took. Think back to conversations you’ve had.

Did you figure out anything new about yourself and your needs?
Do you have a plan for future D/s relationships?
Do you understand things that seemed confusing before?
Are you ready to talk to your partner, look for a partner, or move in a new direction?
Did you go through the program and realize that you’re already on the right track and you understood more about D/s than you thought? That’s a win, too, by the way!
Use what you’ve learned in the past month and put it all together. Write a list of what you want. Write a list of what you don’t want. Make a list of questions to ask your partner. Make a list of things you can’t wait to try or things to research more.

Think about this for a bit and let it lead your conversation with your partner or fuel your journal or blog entry for today.

So, I figured I’d go ahead and finish it out today, because it seems like a good thing to do at the end of 2019, as we look forward to new beginnings and fresh starts and the renewed energy of a new year.

Did you figure out anything new about yourself and your needs?

I didn’t really figure out anything new. I knew, deep in my heart, that D/s added something positive and necessary to my life. I knew I “liked” Him better when He was in control, not just because He was in control, but because the state of being in control freed Him and fulfilled Him and made Him a better version of Himself. I like how we are together when D/s is at our core. We don’t do dungeons or engage in complex scenes. He doesn’t whip me, and we don’t wear leather. That doesn’t mean we won’t toy with more of that in the future, but our brand of D/s is pretty tame in the general scheme of things. It isn’t so much about grand actions as it is about internal emotions and the power dynamic. It’s a way of being together, not the things that we do, necessarily.

We created a list of rules together and had our ups and downs revising them to what they are today. This is a “sort of” living document, in that things can be added or taken away as He sees fit. I can ask for them to be changed, but He must agree. Just yesterday, we added “Keep His laundry clean (esp. jeans and underwear)” as this has presented itself as a recurring problem. It’s an issue of training and creating a life we can both live in, I suppose.

Do you have a plan for future D/s relationships?

Sometimes we struggle to maintain ours. I’m not always the easiest person to lead, and He loses ground pretty quickly when I drop the ball. He needs me to hold up my end for Him to maintain His. It takes two, after all, to tango correctly and successfully, even when one is leading and the other following. True beauty in that dance takes the minds and hearts and passions of both participants.

Do you understand things that seemed confusing before?

I still struggle with my need for rituals and reminders. And I’m coming to terms with my interest in spanking and some types of pain (choking, hair-pulling, nipple torture), humiliation and force, being bound, sense deprivation, etc. Things that have usually lived in the realm of fantasy for me but are increasingly becoming viable options in our relationship. I’m not really confused by these things, but sometimes I am confused about my desire for them, because my desires are often tinged with fear or shame.

I have a need to feel owned and protected and cared for, but I also realize that I have to earn that through my actions. Because he needs to feel desired and adored and cared for, too. This is where I fail most of the time. And it is realizing this self-centeredness (though difficult to admit) that is necessary for growth. It’s easy to say, this is what I need and why I need it and how you can fulfull it. But on the other side of that, just importantly, is what the other person needs, why, and how I can fulfill that. This year is about learning to be an active submissive (a sub who takes an active part in earning the Dominance she craves, learning and initiating activities that please her Dominant). At some point this year…maybe by the end, once I’ve proven my commitment, I’d like to earn a collar (day and night), as this plays right into my wish for rituals and reminders and symbols, and also reminds me to be worthy of wearing such a gift. I may need romance and petting and princess-like treatment, but I earn that by speaking His love language and letting go of the “dirty girl” inside of me for His benefit and pleasure (as well, as mine). Are you ready to talk to your partner, look for a partner, or move in a new direction?

Did you go through the program and realize that you’re already on the right track and you understood more about D/s than you thought?

I actually did. We had attempted a D/s relationship a few times before coming to the brand we have today. Mistakes were made, and we tried to fit ourselves into molds that already existed and didn’t work for us. Forging our own ideal takes time and patience. We have to accept that no road map exists. Everyone’s relationship is different, and therefore there is no one right way to BE D/s. What is important is that we both know we want and need it. Finding what fits and how is less imperative. That will come with time…and communication.

Write a list of what you want.

I want us to grow in this together, to experiment slowly and safely at a pace that allows me to confront my fears of “the new” and Him to maintain that thrill of “the new.” I want us to both be active in speaking each other’s love languages (me: acts of service and quality time/romance; him: physical touch/intimacy/sex and words of affirmation). I want us to communicate often and openly about how things are going in our relationship, D/s and otherwise, and not put pressure on ourselves to be more than we can be at any given time. We work hard, parent, and have outside responsibilities, and while our relationship should be the core thing that gets us through it all, we need to be realistic in our demands of it in relation to the rest of our obligations. Sometimes we are weak. Sometimes we need to rest. And it is our acceptance of each other at our worst that makes us more than just Dominance and submissive. First and foremost, we are Husband and wife.

Write a list of what you don’t want.

I don’t want us to ever lose sight of the connection that we have. As we experiment and play and explore our needs and desires more deeply, going into that dark forest that provides Him thrill and me unwarranted fear, I don’t want us to let go of each other’s hands. We are a team, at heart, and we must wade into that thick foliage only so far as the other can manage. I know I am the one that holds us back most of the time, and I appreciate His patience with me. I don’t want my fears to be disregarded as things that must simply be overcome. Sometimes a fear is not just a fear. Sometimes it is a limit. A hard no. And those must be respected. My list of hard no’s…my limits (like anyone’s) are always changing. With experience comes understanding, and that understanding can lead us to accepting change and/or confidently asserting boundaries. I’ve done both of these over the years. I also know that He has my best interests at heart and I owe Him my trust.

Make a list of questions to ask your partner. Make a list of things you can’t wait to try or things to research more.

I don’t really have a list of questions for my partner. We have a discussion most Sundays, about the state of our relationship. So, questions and concerns don’t often go without response. Things I can’t wait to try? Well, we are getting on with the impact play, and I definitely find myself less and less opposed to that type of pain. In fact, it brings me pleasure in most regards. I look forward to trying a few more swatty-type implements. I’d like to try bondage again, sensory deprivation. Check out my Erotic Bucket List for more.

Ultimately, as I look forward to this new year and consider how I most want to feel (Mindful, Sexual, Creative, and Restored), I know that the activities that will help me achieve this are concentrating on my submission, my blog, and my health. 

Of course there are other areas of my life that are important, and I can’t neglect these, but the core needs provide a stronger foundation for the other necessities of life.

And so, this is where my journey for 2020 begins.


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