Sex as a Reset

Relationships naturally ebb and flow. I go through times when I am super horny and want sex all the time. And then there are (more often) times when I simply go through my days trying to survive being a parent, having a job, running a life, keeping house, etc. Our sexual connection gets lost in the commotion.

I’m much more guilty of letting this happen than He is, mainly because I’m more easily drawn into To Do lists, overwhelm, anxiety, etc. The outside world draws me in (and takes more out of me – because I let it) more than it does Him. I’m also more heavily impacted, emotionally, by the seasons. Because of this, my highs and lows tend to mirror them. I’ve written about that before, even just recently. This means, my dry times are longer than His. And aside from the earliest days of our relationship (or any relationship I’ve had after about the age of 25), I’ve wanted sex (or not wanted it) in waves.

I know this drives Him crazy. But, through a lot of self-observation and reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that this really is “just the way I am.” And He’s getting better at handling that. The ebbs and flows have nothing to do with how much I love Him or need Him in my life. They have to do with times of year that draw me off my sexual course, necessarily in some cases (going back to work) and seasonally. Then there are times of illness and moments of stress (moving) that can also tip the scales of desire.

And so for us, sex seems to be a reset. It’s how we notice we’ve veered too far away from one another, and how we find one another again.

Reaching that button can be hard, especially when we are out of practice – if we haven’t had sex in quite some time (say a few weeks), starting back can be a bit awkward. He comes quickly (for good reason), and I often don’t know how to “get things started.” I’ve never been much of a seductress, which is something I know I need to work on. For God’s sake – I have a sex blog, you’d think I’d be better at sex, right? But, no, I’m pretty awkward when it comes to actually coming together with another person, even my Husband. An added level of awkwardness comes when I know He’s feeling neglected. I feel the pressure to perform at that point, even though I know He’ll take me at whatever level of awkward I present.

We just had sex few days ago, after a long (few weeks) stint without. The result? Well, I feel like having more. That’s what sex does for me. It’s like a hot button that just leads wanting more. It’d be lovely if we could just keep it up all the time, but I also realize that if we did, it probably wouldn’t have the same effect. Or maybe it would (I’m sure my Husband would love to find out what our life would like if we’d just have sex all the time). And I’m sure there are couples out there who do (though I don’t personally know any).

Currently, it’s our way back to good. When our sex life is rumbling along, even just softly underneath everything else, the rest of it all just seems less problematic, less stressful…less meaningful. What matters is the connection between us.

I know I should put more effort into my intimate life, not only because it makes everything else less prominent in my life (most of the time), but also because He needs it. It isn’t just how He connects to me, it’s how we both connect to each other. More kissing…more hugging…more touching…more love making…more fucking…more…more…more…

Keeping our sex life at the forefront of my mind can be difficult for me. It’s not naturally the thing I first think about. Maybe that’s a training issue – something I need to work on within myself.

Yes. I believe it is.

I use this often use this space to reflect on my own behavior within my marriage. Sometimes (a lot of the time), I find myself lacking, and I know I need to change in some way. Those changes are not always easy, and I don’t want to simply say, “Hey, I’m going to be a better lover” when I know that won’t just happen. What are the steps I need to take to do that? How do I incorporate little behaviors every day to get where I want to be?

It’s like any habit. It takes time and focus. Which means I can’t focus on other things. I have to keep my goals to a minimum.

So, I think this weekend, I need to re-evaluate my One Thing goals and my Core Desired Feelings, because clearly the wrong parts of my life are taking precedent…as usual.

And yes, having sex led me to this post. Kissing my Husband for long minutes led me to this post.

I’ve got some work to do. And I’ll let you watch me while I work.


  • Mrs Fever

    I’m not much of a seductress either. My hottest move is getting naked and saying something along the lines of, “Well, here I am!”


    And I totally get the ‘waves’ business when it comes to wanting sex. I pretty much just DON’T want sex right now, period. But for a lot of years, it was a matter of the more I had, the more I wanted. And if I wasn’t having it, then meh. The less the sex, the less my desire for it.

    Honestly, I think that’s pretty normal in terms of The Female Experience. Yet somehow we get the message that it’s not.

  • missy

    I can relate to a lot of this Brigit. Definitely the more I get the more I want but also the fact that intimacy is created through being physically close. I always seem to need to feel that connection in an emotional way before I will want to express it through sex but the D/s does help us as it means we are operating more to his drive than to mine. I feel that dominance is about making me want it and need it and so it is a bit of a button for me on that sense. Great reading how it works for you and I look forward to watching while you work 😊
    missy recently posted…Reset or realityMy Profile

  • collaredmichael

    Sex does make connections! Despite being caged, I long for sex all the time. My Queen decides when and how but occasionally she leaves it too long and she’s like you—without it she begins to feel distant from me. So a good bout of orgasms for her is a reset we will indulge in.
    collaredmichael recently posted…What is love?My Profile

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