Journal: Revisiting and Revising D/s

Our Sunday Marriage Talk was put off until quite late in the evening, which is, first off, never a good thing. We have a tendency to be at our crabbiest and things are more likely to go awry.

I honestly didn’t forsee things going south, but it didn’t take long for revisiting our D/s rules to turn into an uncomfortable conversation. I brought up doing this a few days prior, simply because I can see and feel a resurgence (or a stepping up) of Dominance in Him recently as He’s been holding me accountable to things and punishing me for not following rules.

My D/s Rules can be found HERE. (And from the navigation menu under “personal experience”.)

#1 & 2 Writing and Journaling. He doesn’t usually want to have anything to do with monitoring or requiring writing. He feels that’s my “thing” and He doesn’t think it’s right to manage my creativity. He just wants me not to neglect my blog and to journal about things introspectively because He knows that is how I process tough things. We made a small change to #1 – that I didn’t need to journal every day and that I will post at least twice per week, and we left #2 as is (that I will blog with vulnerability and honestly). This blog is sort of a window into my soul…not only for my audience, but for Him…so it’s useful to our marriage in tha regard.

#3 We took out the bit about working out on specific days. Our life has been crazy, and I’ve set certain priorities on my time that have pushed workouts off the calendar. I know it’s something I need to do, but… It’s not something I need hanging over my head right now. The yoga is a different thing, because that’s for mental health, and He’s not about to allow me out of that one.

#4 He wants me to pay special attention to embracing my “inner slut” and “acting on sexual thoughts”, which totally makes sense. I’m not good at this, and keeping it on the list makes it more likely that I will be mindful of it.

#5 and #6 caused the most tension in our conversation and almost derailed us completely. I really disliked the clause that expects me to take a photo every time I masturbate, because for me…masturbation is about release, and I do it quickly to relax (most of the time). I didn’t want to have to get out of bed, run to get my phone from the other room, get back in bed to get the deed done, snap a pic, and then run back out to plug in my phone (another rule). It seems to defeat the purpose of before-bed masturbation – relaxation. But, He wants to own my masturbatory practices. I balked at this, pouting that He just wants to control every aspect of my life and I have nothing that is my own. Discussing #6 only added to the discomfort of the conversation. This whole “squirting” business is something that just happens when I am having sex with Him and occasionally when I masturbate. I understand that He likes this ability and wants to encourage it, but I don’t want masturbation to become work…always a homework assignment in which I am trying to make something happen instead of just allowing my body to feel good. We compromised on #6, and brought it down to “once per month,” and did not change #5 from it’s earlier revision. Our “compromise” on #5 was simply that I will start plugging my phone in by my side of the bed so I have easy access to my camera.

#7 did not change. I’m used to sleeping naked now.

#8 was made more specific by saying that I will shave every Saturday.

For #9, we added the addendum “unless crotchless” since He agreed to allow crotchless panties and slip shorts. I cannot wear skirts or dress sans panties for too long, as I sweat, and then chafe. I would have had to have given up those items of clothing on Fridays and just opted for leggings or jeans if the addendum had not been made, so this opens up my clothing options a bit and was a compromise that also encouraged me to diversify my lingerie drawer. In fact, I had to cut a hole in the crotch of a pair of my slip shorts last Friday so that I could wear a skirt. I sent a picture from work (up my skirt, my cunt peeking through the hole I’d cut), which earned me bonus points!

The rest of my rules did not change.

By the time we’d made it this far, we had already gotten a bit snippy with each other, and I suggested that from here on out we use a timer for our Sunday Marriage Talks, confining ourselves to a specific amount of time and then walking away when the timer goes off. We can always shelve a conversation and come back to it the follow day or week.

He ended by saying that I’m a difficult sub…He even said that I suck at it (keep in mind our dynamic is darkly humorous and open, and we give each other brutally honest feedback that can come across as rude to others) because I’m hard to lead. But He also said that He didn’t expect me to be the “perfect sub”. And I was reminded of just how difficult D/s can be – for both parties. Our brand of D/s is not for everyone. And even though I am “difficult” and “hard to lead”, He is willing to keep at it because He knows I need it. It’s not just about want…I need a strong, Dominant man at the helm, steering me, rewarding me, and punishing me. I need clear boundaries and expectations, and I need someone to care about following-through on holding me to them.

I’m not a brat. Though last night I’m sure He could see elements of that in me, and He didn’t like it one bit. He noted that He doesn’t want to “tame me”. He also noted that I approach D/s as something that is done for me, rather than for Him…something that fulfills my needs rather than something that is done to please Him. And yes, I can see that I may be somewhat selfish in my motives for wanting a D/s relationship and how that might even be viewed as “topping from the bottom.” I need to evaluate that and make this (ironically) more equitable, in that I spend just as much time trying to please Him and bring Him happiness (active submission) as He does guiding, monitoring, and dealing with my behavior (both negative and positive).

I think there is the impression out there (by some) that D/s should be natural and easy or it isn’t D/s. That the Dom makes rules, and the sub just follows without question. But I think, in a long-term relationship/marriage, it can be difficult to run things that way. I am an equal in our marriage. We run a household together, raise a child, and both work outside the home to support our family. I have just as much say in where our money goes, how our son is raised, and what we do with our home. And while I am always His submissive, I am not always in a position of submission. I have power in our relationship. I have the power to choose and consent (or not). Which is why I like to revisit those rules on occasion. I help to create them, arguing my points and offering suggestions (or excuses, as they may be), but ultimately, He decides what stays or goes. He decides the rewards and punishments. And I consent to that. Or I don’t…and the whole thing falls apart.

We did not come to each other through D/s. D/s came to us through time and experience and introspection. Sure, the impetus for it was there; our personalities, proclivities, and desires naturally swing that way. But I am also a very strong-willed woman. I don’t bend easily…or share easily…or divulge my inner thoughts easily…or do anything easily, really.

I’ve come away from our conversation last night with some insight about why He chose the rules He did and what He hopes to see as a result of them. And I also was reminded that this arrangement is supposed to benefit us both (not just provide me with the things that I need to feel safe, steady, and valued). My self-centeredness can get in the way of my ability to see past my own desires and needs. He has needs as a human and as a Dominant that it are my responsibility as His wife and as His wife to fulfill.

I’ve noted several times before that we have very different love languages. His deep need for physical touch and words of affirmation and my deep need for acts of service and quality time are very different. We both have a tendency to give the things that we want ourselves, rather than giving the things that the other needs. That’s probably the thing I need to remember most. Just because I love acts of service, doesn’t mean that acts of service fulfill Him in the same way that they fulfill me. Likewise, though physical touch is His big thing, it doesn’t mean it’s at the top of my list.

Our job as lovers, Husband and wife, Dominant and submissive…is to fulfill one another…in as many ways as we can.

I don’t roll over easily. In fact, submitting in general does not come easily to me. But something primal in me craves the freedom provided by the promise of submission. And just because it doesn’t come easily, doesn’t mean it isn’t right or possible. Besides…Dominance looks good on Him…even if He must wrestle me to the ground on occasion to put me back in my place.