Okay…our 3rd (sadly low) offer on the house came in Saturday and with news that a 4th was coming, they quickly rescinded. The 4th was actually the most decent we’ve had, and it came with a very sweet letter telling us how much they really liked the house and hoped to raise their kids there. They actually put a healthy chunk of change down in earnest, as well. So…looks like things are moving towards a sale again. Thank god.
Yesterday pretty much ran away from us. After having been out of town for soccer most of Saturday, we had to make up all our weekend chores, and our son had to work on his student council election speech. With those little ears around all day, we didn’t get to our “marriage talk” until late in the evening…not ideal, but at least we didn’t put it off for another week. I don’t think we could have made it without a blow out.
Of course, the issues are the same, as expected. The types of intimacy we crave are different, though both of us need that. He needs sex…I don’t. And because I don’t, I don’t make the effort to meet His needs as He believes He makes the effort to meet mine. I’m happy with things status quo, He’s not. He feels He lives with a really great roommate. I feel as if I live with my Husband, and that we have a cyclic sex life. He resents the fact that He can only get sex from me, but that He’s at the mercy of the cycle. He’s says He didn’t sign on for an even sometimes sexless marriage, and I say I didn’t sign on for a Husband who needs sex from others.
And around and around and around.
We didn’t go to bed angry. But I do feel a bit frustrated when we have these conversations because I don’t see a way out of them. I don’t see a solution…other than me stepping up and fulfilling His needs. There’s a part of me that says I should do that, of course…that’s what a relationship is all about. But there is also a part of me that says I should be accepted for who I am (cyclic desires and all) and that this isn’t all about Him. I think the most aggravating concept that is brought up in these conversations is – in His words – “(I) want what (I) want when (I) want it” and outside of that, I could care less about sex. I think He sees me as being sexually selfish. In a way, I guess I can see that. I don’t search for enough ways to just please Him. I can own that.
I get stuck in the day-to-day. I go to work, I parent, I take care of the house, sometimes I read a book or write. I follow my D/s rules, but none of it really feels “sexual.” There isn’t anything about my day that helps to infuse desire into it. And I guess that’s where I should probably focus my energy. What can I do to put desire at the center of my evenings? It’s not an issue of lost passion. Because I still have passion for my Husband. It’s not that I don’t want Him. But, I don’t think it all rests with me to encourage that passion back to the surface. i told Him last night that our routines pretty much put it to sleep. We work, we do chores, we eat dinner, we watch TV, and we go to bed. Even on a night when our son is at grandparents’, we eat dinner and we watch TV. Anything different would shake that up. And shaking it up is a responsibility we both share.
It’s very easy to fall into patterns and routines. And it’s very easy (for me) to become complacent and comfortable. Staying mindful in my marriage has always been something I’ve struggled with, so maybe that’s the thing I need to prioritize. Not so much the sex itself, but the mindfulness. The awareness. The “setting the stage”. The “priming the well”.
I kind of lose touch sometimes with His love languages (words of affirmation and physical touch) because mine are different (acts of service and quality time). But I’d point out that He loses touch with mine, as well. And sometimes it feels like He does it on purpose…sort of a “If you aren’t going to fill my tank…I’m not going to fill yours…fuck it” mentality.
It doesn’t excuse my own disregard, but it does annoy me when He drops the ball on household tasks. No…it more than annoys me. It makes me feel unappreciated. As if I’ll just pick up the slack. And that makes me feel resentful. He’s not as bothered by undone chores. Clutter doesn’t make Him crazy. He’d much rather have a passionate marriage and a messy house. But I need a clean house to feel relaxed. And I need to be relaxed to feel passionate. But, often, taking care of the house leaves me too exhausted to feel passion.
I definitely can ease up on the chores to make more time and energy for my marriage. In fact, now that we are in a bigger house, I’m actually cleaning less, anyway. I can get away with doing just a few tasks during the week, leaving time to write, read, relax, and spend time with Him. Sunday is pretty much family chore day. And that’s enough, as long as everyone keeps their own clutter under control.
And now that the house is under contract again, there’s a little less stress. So maybe that will help, too.
The only way to get back on the horse, so to speak, is to get back on the horse. Even if the mount is clumsy…the attempt will surely still be appreciated.