Journal 9/17/2019 a.m.

In the middle of the night, I awoke to His arms searching me out and His words, softly whispered under His breath, as if He wasn’t really awake or didn’t think I would hear:

I need you…

His hands caressed me, mapped the valleys and hills.

I looked at the clock. 2:00 a.m.

And though I was tired, I let my body respond. Because, I need Him, too. It’s been far too long since we made love, fucked…anything.

But, He has sexsomnia, and I’m often not sure whether He’s consciously engaging and intentionally pulling me in or is simply at the mercy of His body’s stress response. It usually kicks in when we haven’t had sex in awhile.

We’ve been here lots of times before…gone weeks without sex for one reason or another – busyness, illness, disconnection, etc. – and when we come together again, it is usually explosive. All the built up tension and desire.

Because I can tell you. I don’t have a lack of that. What I lack is energy. I also have my first cold of the season (thanks to my germ-ridden constituents), and I really don’t want to pass that on to Him. Working and running a family can be hard on a relationship.

We are holding on to the little “rituals.” I’m still taking off His boots and getting His drinks (most of the time). But the sex is just not happening.

I’m not sure what the answer is.

He works late tonight, and I’ll likely be in bed when He gets home. But, maybe tonight?

It has to be soon. Because if I’m antsy about it, He’s on the road to depression over it. Sex for Him isn’t just a nicety…a fun thing to do…a way to connect. It’s like breathing. Going for too long is like suffocating Him or starving Him, and it’s never good for our relationship. He gets gloomy and dark and things between us become strained and tenuous.

And we’re rearing up on emergency status.

His hands roved for a minute, and I wiggled closer and breathed out audibly to let Him know I was awake and willing. But, His hands pulled away, and His breathing returned to normal.

He was asleep.

And, within minutes, so was I.

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