We didn’t have our Sunday “Marriage Talk” yesterday, but I didn’t remember until I was getting ready for bed. I brought it up while I was brushing my teeth and asked if He there was anything He wanted to talk about it. He said it was late, and that things could wait until next Sunday. But, something in the way He said it made me uncomfortable. Like it was obvious there were some things…and we should have dealt with them…and, as I do, I began to speculate – and worry.
My guess is that it has something to do with sex…or the lack of it lately. Because, honestly, I’m feeling it, too. And if I’m feeling it, I know it’s a problem. Our mismatched sex drives have always been an issue, since very early in our marriage (right after or son was born), but I know if I notice it, we’ve gone so long as to merit real concern.
The thing is, I’ve felt the desire for it since last week, so I’m not sure why we haven’t, other than I get tired by the time our son goes to bed and not longer want to, or I’m just shit at initiating. And that pisses Him off. Rightfully, I suppose. Because after 13 years, I should not have any trouble initiating sex with my own Husband.
I’ll be honest. At night, I often don’t because I’m afraid it will turn into an hour-long affair, when I only have a short time before I need to be asleep to get enough zzz’s to be human the next day. So even though I want it, I’ll opt out to avoid staying up too late. That would probably piss Him off, too, because I’m prioritizing sleep over our sex life and His needs.
I’d planned to try earlier in the day yesterday, but I felt a cold coming on and decided to lay down on the couch instead.
I guess it’s every excuse, eh?
And maybe that’s my problem. The excuses. If I stripped myself of those, I wonder where that would leave me?
If I stopped saying “But I…” and just did it…
I have to say, after doing this for a few days, the concept of “journal writing” on this blog, rather than creating a themed or topic post with a title and purpose, has been freeing. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop the themed or topic posts, but on a day-to-day, this is helpful in opening the writing dam to let a little of me through.