I’ve been pretty off my game lately. The move, going back to work…all of it has had me back-asswards and stressed out. And it has definitely, just like Mr. D suspected it would, gotten me off my D/s game and squashed my sex drive.
This weekend, Mr. D woke me up in the dead of night for some much needed sexual activity. My body responded immediately, which is surprising – both because my libido had been lacking and because I’m not usually keen on being woken up. I was immediately ready to be fucked.
But, He didn’t fuck me. He put my hand on His cock, told me to play with His asshole, drew it out, and the feeling just died in me. I could have faked it, but I don’t really have that in me, so I told Him. And…
…it fell apart.
He was pissed and hurt when I voiced it. And He got up out of bed and went to the couch. A little while later, He came back to bed, put His arm around me (begrudgingly), and went back to sleep, with the promise that we would talk about things the following day.
Which we did.
It was nothing new, really. But the way we discussed it was. There was no crying. No yelling. No threats of leaving. He just calmly expressed His physical, emotional, and mental need for sex, knowing that this need doesn’t match up with mine.
I don’t need sex for my relationship to be okay. And because of that, it’s easy for me to let it slip by the wayside, especially in times of stress. I struggle, too, during times of stress, because even when I prioritize or schedule things, I still feel that certain things (even though they aren’t more – or even as – important as my family and marriage) have to get done, even if I don’t want to put them first. For example, work. It has to get done. And even though I try to drive away from it at the end of the day, sometimes, there is nothing I can do about it and must take some work home, especially at the beginning of the work year. I need to go to yoga. I need to get our son to practice. I need to keep the house from looking like a shit-hole. And while none of this is more important than my Husband or our relationship, it still must get done, and there are only so many hours in the day.
Unfortunately, I’m one of the anxious over-planners who probably spends too much time worrying about what needs to get done that I don’t get nearly as much done as I could. But, there it is.
By the time I’m done with my day, and the boy has gone to bed, it’s 9:00 and I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It takes a terrible toll on our sex life and relationship, for sure.
But…like I mentioned in our talk this weekend, ritual can pull me out of it. D/s can be the “cure”. Right now, we only have one “ritual.” I take His boots off when he gets home from work. It’s one of those things that resets my brain and focuses me on the priority of our relationship. So, even though we are having sex or spending any specific time doing anything sexual or intimate, the mental connection changes for me. Instead of thinking about the million things I need to do tonight or tomorrow, I have no choice but to think about the fact that I am taking off His boots, because He’s my chosen leader.
I need more of this. Little things like this that help me jump trains, since I’m terrible at compartmentalizing.
Rituals and routines are different things. I wrote about this recently, but I focused more on the routines that guide me and keep me sane – which I am slowly re-establishing, now that the work year has begun and we gotten most of our things put away. Our house is beginning to feel more like a home, with photos on the wall, and furniture in its place. I’m starting to get control of the amount of time I have and what can be done with it. And my mood is staying up, which is a heavenly gift.
Now, it’s time to fill that routine in with some rituals that soothe and guide my emotional inner life. Rituals that remind me what’s most important…that help me compartmentalize, let things go, center myself, and focus on what matters. Rituals that “put me in my place” and put me in the right frame of mind.
I’ll be interested to read others’ posts on this topic of “rituals,” as I have so few that are D/s related. Maybe I’ll find some inspiration!