In Need of Ritual

I’ve been pretty off my game lately. The move, going back to work…all of it has had me back-asswards and stressed out. And it has definitely, just like Mr. D suspected it would, gotten me off my D/s game and squashed my sex drive.

This weekend, Mr. D woke me up in the dead of night for some much needed sexual activity. My body responded immediately, which is surprising – both because my libido had been lacking and because I’m not usually keen on being woken up. I was immediately ready to be fucked.

But, He didn’t fuck me. He put my hand on His cock, told me to play with His asshole, drew it out, and the feeling just died in me. I could have faked it, but I don’t really have that in me, so I told Him. And…

…it fell apart.

He was pissed and hurt when I voiced it. And He got up out of bed and went to the couch. A little while later, He came back to bed, put His arm around me (begrudgingly), and went back to sleep, with the promise that we would talk about things the following day.

Which we did.

It was nothing new, really. But the way we discussed it was. There was no crying. No yelling. No threats of leaving. He just calmly expressed His physical, emotional, and mental need for sex, knowing that this need doesn’t match up with mine.

I don’t need sex for my relationship to be okay. And because of that, it’s easy for me to let it slip by the wayside, especially in times of stress. I struggle, too, during times of stress, because even when I prioritize or schedule things, I still feel that certain things (even though they aren’t more – or even as – important as my family and marriage) have to get done, even if I don’t want to put them first. For example, work. It has to get done. And even though I try to drive away from it at the end of the day, sometimes, there is nothing I can do about it and must take some work home, especially at the beginning of the work year. I need to go to yoga. I need to get our son to practice. I need to keep the house from looking like a shit-hole. And while none of this is more important than my Husband or our relationship, it still must get done, and there are only so many hours in the day.

Unfortunately, I’m one of the anxious over-planners who probably spends too much time worrying about what needs to get done that I don’t get nearly as much done as I could. But, there it is.

By the time I’m done with my day, and the boy has gone to bed, it’s 9:00 and I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It takes a terrible toll on our sex life and relationship, for sure.

But…like I mentioned in our talk this weekend, ritual can pull me out of it. D/s can be the “cure”. Right now, we only have one “ritual.” I take His boots off when he gets home from work. It’s one of those things that resets my brain and focuses me on the priority of our relationship. So, even though we are having sex or spending any specific time doing anything sexual or intimate, the mental connection changes for me. Instead of thinking about the million things I need to do tonight or tomorrow, I have no choice but to think about the fact that I am taking off His boots, because He’s my chosen leader.

need more of this. Little things like this that help me jump trains, since I’m terrible at compartmentalizing.

Rituals and routines are different things. I wrote about this recently, but I focused more on the routines that guide me and keep me sane – which I am slowly re-establishing, now that the work year has begun and we gotten most of our things put away. Our house is beginning to feel more like a home, with photos on the wall, and furniture in its place. I’m starting to get control of the amount of time I have and what can be done with it. And my mood is staying up, which is a heavenly gift.

Now, it’s time to fill that routine in with some rituals that soothe and guide my emotional inner life. Rituals that remind me what’s most important…that help me compartmentalize, let things go, center myself, and focus on what matters. Rituals that “put me in my place” and put me in the right frame of mind.

I’ll be interested to read others’ posts on this topic of “rituals,” as I have so few that are D/s related. Maybe I’ll find some inspiration!


  • missy

    There is so much in this post that I can relate to and think that we are very similar in a lot of ways. In addition I need to D/s and the rituals to help keep my mind where we want it to be. So many other things creep in wherever there is a gap. Our rituals have changed over time and find this is an area we always go back to as once they become just what you do, they seem to lose the impact they have on the mindset. I think this will be an interesting topic too although my post is not written yet. Another thing I ‘need’ to do lol 😊

  • Marie Rebelle

    I can totally understand that you need the rituals to keep your head ‘in the game’ so to speak. So do I, and I think the ritual of putting my night collar on has pulled me through our difficult times, as that was the only thing that remained. Rituals definitely helps to focus.

    Rebel xox

  • Nora

    MIsmatched and disappearing libido issues are both very familiar to me, Brigit … my not wanting or feeling like sex was a constant battle through a good portion of our marriage until we finally reached an agreement where I would never turn him down but he could not expect me to in the same frame of mind (no longer the case nowadays). I wonder now how much difference a full time D/s relationship and accompanying rules and rituals might have made for us during those trying times. To be honest, I’m not sure I could have balanced career, childrearing and such a relationship. I do understand your struggles and I certainly hope the ritual(s) in your dynamic helps you and yours … nj … xx

    • Brigit Delaney

      Thanks for commenting! It seems a lot of has things in common when it comes to these harder issues. And I feel the more we talk about them, the more we will validate each other’s experiences and help each other feel “normal” when things aren’t working. Plus, maybe we can share some solutions…like yours. We have talked about that one, too, but He really can’t do anything unless He knows I want Him at that moment and am into it (which I understand). However, that means we don’t have as much sex at times.

  • kisungura

    Brigit, this struck SUCH a cord with me it drew tears, especially as our D/s is gone just now and I’m severely lacking in the thing can can actually help me. I hope you can find a way through shared rituals x

    • Brigit Delaney

      I sometimes have a hard time getting Mr. D to DO ritual. He’s much more of a “by the seat of His pants” sort of guy. You know, when the feeling strikes? For me…I like things a certain way. My brain needs time to adjust and find the correct compartment for what I’m supposed to be doing and feeling at a given moment. It might sound boring to some, but I’ve learned over many years that this is how I best respond.

      I’m sorry to hear that your D/s is off. I need to go and back-read your blog to find out the cause.

  • May More

    It kinda went along these lines
    I get where u are coming from. When he woke you up u would have been happy if he had fucked u – sleepy and being fucked is hot – but he wanted more and that is difficult when u are tired – i am so grumpy when i am woken. It is a shame he didn’t just fuck u – it may have worked out with u both feeling better about it all after x
    May More recently posted…Desk Porn on #SinfulSundayMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I agree. But…I’m not in charge, and I think that’s where He gets upset about it. Because I’m the sub, He feels I should be up for anything anytime, willing and wanting to serve. But, I’m not. And when stuff like this happens, and He’s hurt…I’m left feeling like a shitty sub…which I honestly don’t think I am, overall. I just don’t operate like some. It’s always a learning curve. But, at least this time we talked our way through it the next day instead of fighting. We’re definitely in a better place now that we have been. We’ve grown, and we’re making it work.

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