Experience,  My EJC Responses


I wasn’t going to write about electric play for KotW. In fact, I don’t write for KotW much at all, because I often feel out of my element discussing kink. In my mind, because I read about kink from the points of view of so many whom I really would term kinky, I assume I’m just not much into any sort of kink. Of course, that isn’t true.

I was recently reminded while reading a few tweets and blog posts that what one person finds kinky, another person finds to be the norm, and yet another finds to be deplorable and immoral.

In fact, according to one blog post I read by Jade (which was actually referencing a blog post by Charlton Tod), only 6% of the populations of the U.S. and U.K. have had a threesome. Jade and I are both a bit perplexed by this statistic, but then, we live different, and obviously more alternative sexual lifestyles than many. (And statistics are always dodgy, anyway.)

I guess, due to the reading I do and the places I hang out on the internet and the blogging community to which I belong, it just appears that everyone is kinky and that kink is on the rise in mass amounts.

I do think that interest in kink and “alternative” sexual lifestyles (which pains me to say, because “alternative” seems so negative a label) is on the rise. Probably because of the ease of access (the internet, audio and e-book porn, and the success of Fifty Shades of Grey – though I hate to give that book/movie any play, I can’t help but admit that it opened some eyes and doors for a lot of bored housewives, and that is probably a good thing).

Anyhow, this is an awfully long intro just to get to the point that I usually don’t feel like my level of kink is read-worthy, so I tend not to post about it. Jade’s post reminded me that not all readers are experienced in kink, and not all of my readers are necessarily part of my community. I have a bad tendency to write to a particular audience in my head. It’s made of the people in my blogging community, so I avoid redundancy and sharing things I think will be of no consequence to them. When in reality my audience (the lurkers who don’t engage or comment but whose interests and questions are valid and should be addressed) is much more various than I give it credit for.

So, even though I avoided writing to this prompt, I’m going to, right at the tail end of the link-up window.

I’ll start by admitting that I’m not into electric play.

Here’s my story…

My Husband is much “kinkier” than I am…and much more adventurous sexually. He craves adventure in the bedroom and challenges me to follow Him in suit. I’m often resistant, though less so now that our D/s is pretty solid and I trust Him to make decisions and offer up new experiences in a way that I can ease into them. Years ago, this wasn’t necessarily the case, and he “surprised me” with a new purchase one day that pretty much terrified me.

It was a slim silver case that looked like it should contain some sort of secret spy weapon or cash for an underhanded drug deal. When He opened it, I’m sure a look of confusion took my face hostage. I had no idea what it was or what it would do, but it looked strange and I didn’t trust it. Even with all of His promises that it wouldn’t hurt and that He’d take it slow…I just wasn’t into it.

He tried it on my hand…my thigh…and nope. Just nope.

Disappointed, He put it in the back of the closet where it would collect dust for several years.

Now, I look back and regret having been so closed-minded about something that my lover was obviously excited to try. He came to me with a request, an idea…and shut Him down without so much as a second thought. All I considered was how it would affect me. Selfish, I know.

Just a short while ago (February 2018), I wrote a post detailing the silver case’s first (and last) brief foray into the bedroom. To say the least, it didn’t go well. I’m not going to re-write the experience here…just click the link above.

Now we look back on the negative experience with humor, because shocking one’s asshole is hard not to laugh at…at least in retrospect. Unfortunately, at the time, there was nothing funny about it and it led to a deep divide and a lengthy period where neither of us was willing to step out of line in any way because we feared the reaction of the other.

I have a possibly unhealthy fear of pain…to the point that I likely create a feeling of pain before real pain every exhibits itself in my body. My expectation of it becomes a physical sensation that doesn’t really exist. The mind is powerful. And the mind can lie. However the body is just as powerful and has less of a (if any) propensity to transmit untruths. The mind creates or reacts to a stimulus. The body is just the conduit.

I rely too much, I think (…there I go), on my mind to navigate the world. And because of that, I censor myself and stop myself from doing and feeling some things out of fear.

Fear of how it will feel.

Fear of what it will cause.

Fear of hating it.

Fear of liking it.

Fear of what others will think.

Fear of what it will lead to.

My Husband, on the other hand, is more likely to rely on His body to experience the world. He trusts it more than I do.

I’d like to trust my body more, and just give in to sensation and experience. I tentatively believe that this is why some people use drugs or alcohol (it works for me)…to shut off the brain long enough to experience things without inhibition or self-censure.

The times I have reached that sort of sensual/sexual/erotic nirvana have been intense…equally freeing and terrifying at once – a feeling I love but fear loving too much. Like an addiction.

There is something in me that is hungry for thoughtless feeling. Like a monster I keep in a dungeon deep in the pit of my subconscious. It’s a quality or characteristic about myself that I don’t trust…not one that I especially want to reward, because I’m afraid of how it will change me or what it will lead to. I can be stupidly impulsive when I don’t keep myself in check…dangerously so.

But…I suppose letting the beast out of its cage from time to time might not be the end of the world. Even still, I worry that once she gets the taste for it, she will be unstoppable.

She rumbles within me more these days. The sudden craving for a spanking. A positive bodily reaction to a disturbing story or sexual image. A wish to try something new or painful. She seeks the edge…the darkness…a side of eroticism that the regular me shies away from.

Knowing that will please Him. And knowing that it will please Him not only thrills me but scares me.

Because…what will He do with that knowledge?

October’s Erotic Journal Challenge Theme is “Fear, Insecurity, Anxiety, and Self-Doubt.” Click the badge above to link your own posts on the topic, read others’ contributions, or get some ideas about what to write.

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  • Cassandra

    So much of what you say here, and in the previous post about the Erotic Challenge, speaks to me. Interestingly I do not belong to the bdsm or D/s community, but I stumbled upon these communities in the blog world and it peaked an interest in me. The fear you speak of here and there…it affects many of us, from the point of intimacy or sex, to the point of writing and blogging, body image, anxiety and depression and pretty much everything in between.

    I’m sitting on a blog post I wrote with this in mind, liking back to you, but I’m…well, fearful, I guess, of hitting publish. What will people think of me? What will I think of me? That kind of thing.

    Anyway, I just wanted to get past the lurking and comment from one blogger to another. I appreciate your method of communicating topics that appear, to many of us, very challenging and tricky to share. Yet it’s because of the sharing you and others in D/s do that I find myself reading, and learning. And sometimes blogging, too.
    Cassandra recently posted…Abstract dreamingMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I love it when readers let me know that what I’m writing strikes a chord! That’s the whole point, right? To connect…to let each other know we aren’t alone. So, of course I’d advise you to hit publish. But then, that’s really not for me to say. We all have to do what we are ready too do in our own time, when it feels right. But, it’s always good to challenge ourselves, and sometimes the scary thing is just the thing we need to do. Without risk, there is no growth.

  • Marie Rebelle

    It’s good you can laugh now about what happened years ago.
    Like you, I sometimes am very curious to try something, but my fear of not being able to handle it, or not being able to react like he wants, or maybe disappointing him or or or or… there’s always something keeping me back, while I wish I could just be bold and try it and if it’s not my thing, decide not to do it again. But it’s difficult to overcome my own fear of the unknown…

    Rebel xox

  • Julie

    I so understand the fears you have about that silver box (and other things). So often it is difficult to get over those past experiences, heaven knows there are things we have done only once. But I guess there is something about getting to the stage of thinking: if I don’t do this now, will I one day look back and wish I had. By the way, a blindfold and restraints are a good way forward……

  • Jupiter Grant

    Yes, there’s something about the lack of control and the fear that liking it “too much”, to the point of needing it, like an addiction that you can’t control, and how that can be used to subordinate you beyond your limit. I often feel this. I really enjoyed reading your post. 💖
    Jupiter Grant recently posted…Spiderdust and HalloweenMy Profile

  • Bee

    It can be sad how past experiences prevent us trying something again, yes it didn’t work then but what if you can use it in a different way etc. I’m not necessarily talking about the silver box experience but the past in general. I am glad you are laughing about the past, some things are too funny not to laugh at in hindsight!
    Bee recently posted…Electric avenueMy Profile

  • Cara Thereon

    this line “The mind is powerful. And the mind can lie.” It sums up so much. It’s insane what we can talk ourselves out of loving as much as into loving. I’m often held back by what my mind makes me believe. Fear masquerading as anxiety traps me a lot.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…Pierced ThroughMy Profile

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