When I was very young and figured out that certain places felt good when touched, the only tool I had at my disposal was my own body. I used my hands to explore and touch and rub and pinch, becoming quite adept, by my early teens, at inducing a clitoral orgasm by simply rubbing my fingers quickly across it. These orgasms caused a pulsing of the internal walls of my vagina, and they were satisfying, but it wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I knew a deeper orgasm was possible.

Even though I began having sex at 16, I didn’t orgasm with another person until I was in college. And even then, it wasn’t through sex…it was with his hands. I don’t remember all the particulars now, but I do remember, I was on the couch in my parents’ basement, under a blanket, trying really hard to be quiet and discreet, as my boyfriend fingered me while we watched TV. I was on my stomach, and something about the angle managed to allow him access to my g-spot. Almost as if it had just appeared, I finally felt it, and when he found it, the touch sent me through the roof. I pushed against his hands greedily until I came, surprising the hell out of myself. It didn’t surprise him, because, by that time, I was pretty adept at faking it. No boyfriend I’d had up to that point was aware that he hadn’t satisfied me…ever. That’s not to say that sex wasn’t fun, or that it hadn’t felt good. I just hadn’t orgasmed.

This orgasm on the couch was a new experience for me. The depth of his fingers in my vagina, and my own fingers pressing against my clit gave me a dual sensation. For me, a clitoral orgasm is intense and quick. Once I cum this way, I can’t just continue…it’s too concentrated in one area, and I have to remove the stimulus. An internal orgasm, however, is more expansive, and therefore something I can sustain for longer or repeat. When achieved together, the feeling is utter bliss.

After that orgasm, I learned to masturbate with my fingers inside, deeper, rubbing the palm of that same hand against my clit. I could do it in minutes…seconds if I was really needy, and the orgasms were much more satisfying.

In my mid-20’s a friend, who found out I had never owned a vibrator, bought me a magic wand. But, I immediately found that my clitoris is way too sensitive for a toy like this. No matter how low the setting, this toy felt like I was trying to fuck myself with a jackhammer. I used it once or twice and then put it away for good. I wasn’t the type to go into an adult store to purchase a sex toy, so I just accepted that my hands were good enough at achieving the results I sought. I had no need for a toy…or so I thought.

In my late 20s, I met my Husband, and within just a few days, I had my first anal kit and an egg-style vibrator from a local sex shop. I also had my first real lingerie (aside from bras and panties).

I look back now and find it a little strange that it took so long for me to get to this point. I mean, it’s not as if I wasn’t sexually active. It’s not like I wasn’t reading intensely sexy books and watching erotic films (even some very bad porn with my boyfriend in college). But the introduction of toys in my late 20s did open up a new way of masturbating that had not existed up to this point.

Toys just made it soooooo much easier. That first vibrator was so damned effective that I must have gone through at least three or four. I wasn’t as big a fan of the dildo-style vibrators, but after having a child, I noticed that reaching my g-spot during masturbation was much easier. I don’t know if childbirth shifted things around a bit or simply opened me up more, but my orgasms changed. They got messier and definitely more expansive.

There was also the addition of anal sex and the use of toys anally. While the introduction of anal play happened early in our relationship, it wasn’t until well into our 13-year marriage that it became a regular-ish thing for us. And it wasn’t until then that I began occasionally incorporating it into masturbation.

Now, in my forties, I can orgasm in so many different ways. Sometimes those orgasms are quick an intense, sometimes they are deep and spread out, sending waves through my whole body. I don’t always have what I call a “dual orgasm” – clitoral and g-spot. And I rarely have a “triple orgasm” – clitoral, g-spot, and anal. But it does happen now and again. But, I am capable of all of it in a way that I just never was in my youth. I’m also a lot more elastic, so one, two, three, or four fingers is possible now…in fact, I’ve almost managed my own fist once or twice, and while that sort of freaks me out (I’m not sure why), it also felt really good at the time to be stretched so wide. It made me extremely wet (drippingly/squirtingly so)…so that sort of masturbation has to occur on a towel or in the shower.

Part of it is experience, knowledge, and experimentation, but the bulk of it is really due to time and openness. I’m “looser” and more open to my own sexuality now. I’m not as uptight or anxious about how I might be perceived. I’m more willing to seek sexual gratification and feel good about it rather than embarrassed.

In fact, I just moved into a house with a jetted tub, and I can tell you, those jets do, indeed do the job nicely. Maybe I’ll tell you that story later.

Masturbation is usually a thing I only do for myself. It is personal and very intimate, a way to find release and relax completely (usually before falling asleep), though I do masturbate at other times, as well. My Husband is keen on being a part of my masturbatory practices, though, and I’ve been pretty resistant to allowing Him access because it makes me uncomfortable to be watched. He wonders why it makes me so uncomfortable, and I’ve thought long and hard to no avail. Obviously, I’m not embarrassed for Him to see me naked or vulnerable…we’re naked all the time. Maybe it’s the performance angle. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of here. There’s no way He’s going to reject me. He’s not going to find me disgusting. In fact, aside from being terribly turned on by it, He’s likely to feel “let in,” “trusted,” “invited.” And it’s likely to be an intimate thing…romantic even…because of that. I think I’m mainly afraid of what I look like when I masturbate…which is ridiculous, because He’s a man who loves fucking women, and watching me masturbate is just going to be hot.

Like anything in my masturbatory history, “new” comes slowly for me. Maybe adding “masturbating for my Husband” is just something I need to do, knowing that it will get easier with time, until it is simply standard practice.


I didn’t cover mutual masturbation in this post, but make no mistake…that was part of my earliest sexual experiences with boys. It was “safe” and so it was something I was willing to do years before I actually had intercourse. This mutual stimulation was often done with clothes still on (hands down pants or up skirts), and it was definitely hot and intense because our youthful desires were both of those things.

Now that my hormones are slowed down, mutual masturbation just doesn’t do the same thing for me. I have a hard time achieving and orgasm unless I can relax and focus on it. I can “perform,” put the other person first and concentrate on what they need to come, or I can let go of everything and go inward so that I can reach orgasm. Come to think of it, this may be why I have a hard time masturbating for an audience. Alone, I have no one to perform for, which means no outer expectations. I don’t need to worry about facial expressions, body contortions, or anything. I only need to focus on my own pleasure. I know my Husband would say I could (and should) do the same if He were watching…that THAT would be the whole fucking point. But, when someone’s watching, it is somewhat of a “performance” for me. And that makes it less relaxing. I’m thinking more about His experience of my masturbation that my experience of my masturbation.

The key, I guess, is to forget He’s in the room, and I’m not positive that I can do that.



October’s Erotic Journal Challenge Theme is “Fear, Insecurity, Anxiety, and Self-Doubt.” I’m linking this post because it investigates my fear of masturbating for an audience. If you’d like to know more about this challenge, read posts by other bloggers, or post your own material, please click the badge above.

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