Experience,  My EJC Responses

The “Crazy” Cycle

This week’s Erotic Journal Challenge Prompt is “Hormones,” but as I find, for me, that this is also very tied to next week’s topic “Mental Health,” I’m going to go ahead and connect the two.

I’ve already posted on both of these topics quite a few times, but I want to focus in on their direct relation to my current sense of sexuality, erotic well-being, and sexual relationship.

I guess all of us have issues with hormones as some point in our life. And I know that quite a few of us struggle with various mental health issues (or combinations of several). When you put hormones and mental health issues together, you can stir up quite a stew of insanity that fucks with your life in all manners.

Just the other night, Mr. D brought up His current concerns. He notices me falling into a pattern that He’s seen a number of times before. In fact, according to Him (and I can corroborate after some consideration), I do this every year. My cycle runs something like this…

January-May: The end of December (Winter Break) usually opens me up to a bout of mania – especially with my writing and this blog). I also begin to run pretty hot sexually. My mood is good, for the most part, and I handle anxiety better than I do later in the year. Even though I tend to still go a little stir-crazy around the new moon, it’s not as noticeable as it is the second half of the year (during the dark time).

June/July: I begin to fall, becoming less interested in sex, slowing down on my writing, and pulling back from things. I’m less motivated. Maybe I’m just exhausted, but I find myself wanting to lay around and read and do nothing else, including fuck (which is understandably problematic for our relationship).

August-December: I am in high gear at work, easily overwhelmed, anxious, irritable. The weather becomes dark and rainy, and my SAD kicks in. He is put on the back burner, and I find it very difficult to keep myself from falling into a depressive state.

I’m not going to argue. His vision of my cycle is pretty spot on, and it is obviously caused by the nature of my work and the seasons. It’s a bad excuse for creating hell at home, but, the first half of my work year IS pretty stressful and it IS pretty dark. I need to learn better ways to leave work at work and not let it take up so much space in my head when I leave it. And, I need to learn better ways to deal with the literal darkness of winter. But, that’s for September, not now.

For now, I’ve got to admit that since this cycle is a real thing, July is a month in which His fears understandably grow exponentially. And since we are aware of it, that means something can be done about it.

This is basically an exercise in practicing mindfulness and setting priorities. Since He (and our relationship, both D/s and not) are prime in my life, I have to do the things that allow for us to be at our best. My writing is directly related to my sense of sexuality, so when I’m not writing, my libido is lower than usual. I’m not sure which comes first (it’s one of those chicken/egg things). Two things I know positively affect my libido are writing and sexual activity. As long as I keep up the sex, it leads to me wanting more sex, and that gives me more to write about, which makes me feel more sexual, and that keeps the sexuality circle moving at a nice clip.

To stop writing, which is what I’ve sort of done lately, leads me to stop caring, which leads to me dropping the ball in our sex life and causing Him to rightfully begin to worry.

It’s not too late to pick the ball back up. And it’s not too late to at least begin to deal with the “imminent” cycle.

I can’t make my “crazy” go away completely (though medications and certain activities keep it fairly well under control). I can’t stop the depression or mania or anxiety or irritability from ever showing up. And sometimes (like EVERY September) it all hits at once. But, I know the things that can help. Yoga, sex, a D/s reset of some sort…anything that disrupts the cycle. I also can’t completely change my libido. It naturally ebbs and flows. But to keep it from disappearing, I have to keep my head in the game…we have to have sex on a regular basis (because it it counters stress, keeps us close, and stabilizes my libido)…and I have to show up here (sometimes even when I don’t want to).

We both struggle with mental health issues (namely depression) and hormones. And as we age, those things will continue to be struggles. As our hormones change, the medications we use need to be changed, and as we grow older, the amount of hormones we produce change and our libidos fluctuate. It’s a never-ending battle, but one worth fighting.

Because this isn’t just about me. It’s about us. And we both have needs. In order to keep us strong, those needs have to be met (most of the time).


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