Getting past the blank page

I have to admit, sometimes looking at this blank screen is terrifying. Especially after a respite. But, I’m going to type some words, and then follow those with a few more words and hope for the best. As you have always done, I know you will understand and welcome me back with open arms no matter how meandering and stream-of-consciousness my thoughts become.

My work for the year came to an end last week, and I think my body basically just threw up its hands and said you’re gonna rest, bitch…even if I have to make you. So, naturally, I got sick the weekend before my final two days of work and actually ended up calling in (legitimately) sick for the last contracted day.

Add to all of this the fact that I’m trying to get the house ready for moving (all those expensive appointments and inspections and modifications) and that our initial buyers backed out at the last minute (stress), and basically, I just needed a break.

Luckily, I didn’t drop. It would have been a prime opportunity for my brain chemistry to say fuck you and really pull me down, but my mood has stayed pretty stable through it all (thank you medication?) and continues to maintain (*crosses fingers*). Our D/s has been on the back burner, though, and that has affected Mr. D a bit. He’s pretty sensitive to sexual changes in our relationship (the testosterone therapy has him pretty much back to normal in that department), and when our sex life suffers, so does his mental state. Our communication has been good, however, and we’re talking our way through it.

He’s been texting with a woman (He also reached out to a couple, but not much has happened on that path yet), and while my initial reaction (even though their conversations up to that point had been purely “friendly” – He was interested in pursuing it, so He told me) on the couch two nights ago when He told me was upset and jealousy, I’ve negotiated myself out of the tree by simply reminding myself to take things one day at a time. He’s being honest and open and I’m asking the right questions. She’s vanilla, so I am concerned that she won’t know how to navigate the alternative relationship He is in the beginning stages of offering her. She, expectedly, wondered if He was cheating (He assured her that I was aware of the texting) and isn’t sure she can share. I’m leaving it to Him, though, as He reminded me that this is about trusting Him to make the right decisions for our relationship and that He isn’t about to put what we have in danger. I’m good with that. This is His first real attempt to establish a relationship outside of our own since we discussed it last. Neither of us is sure how it will turn out, and I don’t think He’s pushing it too hard. He’s the sort who wants a relationship to blossom naturally, which is why He’s reaching out to someone He already knows rather than seeking someone out on an internet dating site. Even though it comes with the added complication of her not having the same knowledge about poly and kink (which may be a deal breaker), it also is evolving more organically, which is what He really wants. I’m still not thrilled about sharing Him, but I’m also not as keyed up about it as I was way back when we tried this the first time. I want Him to be happy. I also want me to be happy, so I’m going to be very careful about considering and communicating my emotions about this as it develops. I understand that sometimes change can be uncomfortable and messy, but that is necessary. Beyond the mess can be something beautiful, if we arrange it in a way that works for everyone. I also understand that things can also feel wrong for all the right reasons. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, most of all myself (call me selfish, but a girl’s gotta look out for herself, right?). So, even though I may not know why I’m feeling jealous or pissed off, I’m still going to tell Him that I’m feeling negative emotions the moment I feel them. It’s way better than stuffing those emotions down and letting them fester. Right now, I’m almost okay with it, so I’m gonna let that just be for awhile. I’m never great with change or “new,” so it’s going take some time for me to get used to this, and the only way it’s going to happen is through experience.

So there…words just happened.

I’ve set out a schedule for my writing this week. I may or may not completely keep to it, but at least it’s a start. I completely fell apart for Hy’s Every Damn Day in June, but July is feeling a lot less complicated and full, so maybe I can get back on track.

Happy Summer!

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  • Marie Rebelle

    You are right, I will always welcome you back with open arms!
    I love how honest your writing is here, to read about your thought process and to see you are taking it one day at a time. Thank you for sharing this, and I am sure the two of you will get to a point where you are both comfortable and happy.
    Hope you feel better soon, Brigit!
    Happy summer indeed.

    Rebel xox

  • missy

    Thank you for sharing this Brigit. I can completely relate to the end of term feeling. I have been different this year but no less messy, just a mess in a different way. I am glad that you are working through the ‘others’ part. Taking it slowly sounds like the right way to go. Happy summer. I have three more days to go ?

  • Molly

    I need to follow you lead and tackle some tricky subjects too. I am hoping July will be my month to get some of that out in the world.

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