I’m not always in the mood to write.
Usually, it’s a product of being too tired to think deeply, or at least make sense of my thoughts on paper (or screen).
Sometimes, I just truly can’t think of anything to write about.
Sometimes I’d rather sit on the couch and watch movies with my family.
Sometimes I’m moody and my mind is blank, giving me space to brood or just heal mentally.
And I’ve always taken Fridays off during work weeks, as those are reserved for time with my Husband, since the kiddo is with the grandparents.
It’s why I always go into a writing challenge like “Every Damn Day in June” knowing I will fail (and I’m sort of okay with that). Things will come up. There will be nights I don’t feel it or nights I have nothing to say or nights I just would prefer to do something else.
I don’t ever want this blog to feel like work…another thing I have to do. And sometimes I let it. I feel this burning obligation to write.
I do it at work, too. And at home. I feel like I have to do things, and I can’t let them go. Much like my terrier breed dog, once I get ahold of something, it takes the “jaws of life” to pry it from my teeth.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that nobody else cares if that pile of assignments gets graded right now. The students won’t care as much as I do.
And I have to remind myself that nobody will care if I put off sweeping or dusting or cleaning the bathroom one more day.
Still sometimes, I need Him to say, “Stop.”
It’s why it’s written into my rules. My inability to let go of what I see as obligiatory can be crippling and can bleed into everything else. I become obsessed, overwhelmed by all of the things I have to do.
Sometimes I need Him to hug me into submission, holding me until my heart stops racing.
Sometimes I need Him to send me to the couch.
Sometimes…maybe I need Him to do spank it out of me.
Because when I let it fester, it grows from intense focus to overwhelm to irritability to rage to meltdown when I realize it just isn’t possible to do it all.
And then I crash. At that point, sometimes all I can do is go to sleep.
I’m coming to the end of a school year. My desk is a disaster, piles have grown out of control. My desk at home is also a mess. I’m just holding on until it’s over so I can finally actually clean the house…maybe come close to catching up on the laundry.
Really. I just need a reset. A break. A chance to get my head above water so I can get things back under control in my head, realign my priorities, continue to figure out how to do less…better.
Not a sexy post…but one that gives you a little peek into my neuroses.