This post is #28 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

Zora Neale Hurston


It’s one of my favorite quotes, simply because it so often applies to my life. And it came to mind again this morning after a late night conversation that turned epiphany for both myself and Mr. D.

For years, we realized last night, we have been asking the wrong questions (and therefore searching for the wrong answers), to the detriment of our sex life and to the detriment of our marital peace. In fact, these wrong questions have been at the heart of so many early “arguments” in our marriage.

As my libido slipped in the early years, dangerously to the edge of gone, He desperately inquired:

When do you want it? What makes you want it? Why don’t you want it?

These weren’t the questions we should have been asking. Instead, we should have been asking,

What do we need to do to put your head in the right space? What triggers are necessary? 

As his own libido builds back to normal (after a few months of hormone replacement), the amount of sex we are having is increasing. In November/December, during our separation, there was obviously none. From January to April, we were at about 5 times per month. May saw us at 10. So the testosterone has definitely increased His libido. I’ve followed right along, not so much because my libido is increasing, but because it is following His lead, as so much of my mental being does.

So now we are trying to be proactive, learning to ask the right questions before the problems arise.

Last night, He was in the mood…told me to put on thigh highs and lingerie, which I did. But, it was late, and I was tired and not completely present.

He spanked me, but my body didn’t react the way He expected it to.

My head wasn’t in the game.

Rather than getting mad, however, He lay beside me and we talked it out. Somehow questioning our way into the right questions.

It’s not about when I’m in the mood or why I’m not. It’s about how to get me there, no matter what. It’s about what He needs to do as a Dominant and what I need to do as a submissive to be and do what He wants when He wants it (as often as possible). It’s about training my mind. It’s about a low-level (achievable whenever) version of “subspace.”


Let me interrupt with some pertinent information here:

Subspace: An altered state of consciousness or mental state when a submissive is fully focused on the sensations imposed by a Dominant. Each submissives experience of subspace is different, so it is hard to characterize or define, but it can be likened to a hypnotic trance or a deep meditative state where all extraneous information is pushed out to focus on the moment. BDSM quite often involves impact (both painful and pleasurable) to the body. This can trigger a response of the sympathetic nervous system, which may lead to a release of epinephrine, as well as a surge of endorphins and enkephalins. These chemicals mimic the effects of morphine, increaseing pain tolerance and creating a feeling of euphoria. It’s like being high…a way of cutting out the outside world and focusing only on the moment at hand. It is a state that can last during the time of play, but can, often last longer, even days or weeks. As such, a submissive in a deep state of subspace should be monitored, as rational though may be impaired.

Subdrop: The surge of hormones and chemicals created that lead to subspace must eventually wane. This can lead to a “drop,” much like coming down off of a high. It may lead to exhaustion, a foggy mental state, or even depression. This period can last hours, days, or longer, depending on the person.

Aftercare: This is intended to help the sub transition from subspace through subdrop to normalization. It may involve physical comforts like blankets, massaging areas of the body that have experienced impact, and baths, plus mental comforts like reassurance, and loving touch. Aftercare may be necessary for a few minutes, hours, or longer, depending on the intensity of play and the severity of drop.


I’m not sure I have an answer for our question yet. But asking the right question(s) is a step in the correct direction, and both of us felt like it was progress.

As a sub, I can’t control when He is interested and when He will call me to action. Sexual availability is part of our D/s, and that means figuring out how to get my brain where it needs to be quickly and when called to do so. It also requires that He learn what triggers work to put me in that mental space quickly when He wants me there.

It takes both of us. There are things we both need to do to make it happen.

Our original questions put it all on me. AND they were “problem-centered.” More of a “what’s wrong with you and how are you going to fix it” sort of question set. Our new questions are more goal-oriented. A “this is what we want & how do we get there” sort of question set.

So here we are.

And I thought about it today. One thing I can think of that turns my brain to sexual jelly pretty much every time is when He breathes in my ear and across my neck. When He hugs me, forcing me to stop and slow down, regulating my breathing and encouraging my heartbeat to slow…that does it, too.

That’s a start. It’s not the whole journey, but it’s something to begin with.

Subspace is a new frontier for me. I’ve had the euphoria of intense sexual experiences. Times when I’ve experienced a sort of adrenaline high and then serious drop. And as a person prone to both mania and depression, I understand the importance of aftercare, though we haven’t had to deal with this a whole lot yet. I realize this is where we are headed, and while I am mentally and physically ready for these new frontiers, I also know that we need to learn how to maneuver from one stage to another together. The amount of communication and intimacy and vulnerability necessary for this journey is both terrifying and utterly enticing.

This is a “catch-up” post for the prompt “Realization.”

11 Replies to “Realization”

    1. It’s just finding them that can be difficult. Once you know WHAT to ask, things get so much easier.

  1. This got me thinking about questions and how making them about finding solutions rather than whys of the situation makes them much more positive. I need to think about that some more and see if I can put it to use myself

    Molly

  2. Terrific, thought-provoking article. It really illustrates the importance of open communication between partners and what positive things come from that.

  3. As you’ve already found, a simple shift in thinking can change everything. I completely agree with the idea of goal-oriented questions instead of trying to fix a problem. And I’m so happy for you that these realizations and the way you’re both moving forward in your D/s is creating the kind of change you both want.

    1. Really…we just stumbled on these questions. In fact, He did…while once again asking the unanswerable questions. And when I started to grumble, He revised the question and it became the right one. And we both just knew it at the same time, that somehow we had made a breakthrough.

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