Facing Fears to Invite Possibility

This week’s Food for Thought Friday prompt is:

This week’s Prompt ~ Room 101

When we realised it was week 101 we knew this would be our only opportunity to use Room 101 as the source for our questions.

Room 101 first appeared in the book 1984 by George Orwell. It’s an extremely insightful novel. The room was said to contain a person’s greatest fear. The popular TV show of the same name asked people to consign their pet hates to Room 101.

With this in mind what we want to know is…

What are your main hates and/or fears – sex wise or other – that you would like banished from your life forever?

Explain why/how these became your hates and fears.

I can be timid, sexually. Afraid to try new things, terrified of change (for absolutely no good reason, mind you). I stick to the same known set of tricks simply because I know they work, even though I know (intellectually…) that stepping outside of the box would work even better, likely.

I’m lucky enough to be in love with a man who is so unbelievably supportive and accepting of me. He has made it clear, through words and actions, that He loves me just the way I am. And still, I tend to feel insecure about my appearance.

Between that timidity and my insecurity, I hold back.

It is a goal of mine to fucking quit that. I know that I need to accept His vision of me as true, especially since I am His. Having a low opinion of myself at any time is to have a low opinion of His choices and to question His ability to know what is beautiful and capable of turning Him on.

Though I tend to lack confidence when it comes to seduction, I realize that I really should not question His authority on the matter.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.”

Robin Sharma

Another fear I have revolves around Him finding a lover other than myself. I have a tendency toward jealousy (due to my own insecurities, I’m sure), and it keeps me from feeling true compersion. This jealousy and fear is something I would love to kiss goodbye, allowing Him the freedom to play and explore, knowing that He will always come back to me, and I am His central love…His wife…the mother of His child. This fear, above all others is the one I wish I could let go.

I know, from reading and research, this it is a common fear among women, even those who are openly polyamorous. It can be hard to share someone’s love and attention, because there is always the underlying worry that the other person will find someone that they connect with more or love more deeply. The is the fear of loss, the fear of being abandoned, which would leave the person who is left feeling as if they were not good enough and would deepen any insecurities that already existed, proving the person right. Self-fulfilling prophecy, you might say.

I don’t think He would leave me for someone else. But, those dark little thoughts seem to have their way of slipping under the door and through the keyhole. They nibble at the back of my mind like a terrible song that I can’t shake. And I keep humming it under my breath, absent-mindedly, catching myself from time to time.

I’m not saying I’m not open to Him having experiences. In fact, His happiness is paramount to me, and letting Him explore sexually is important. My insecurities have to be dealt with (namely by accepting and celebrating my worth) and my fears lessened through experience, communication, and the admission that I trust Him completely – because I do. My jealousy has nothing to do with lack of trust, and when I consider how much my jealous feelings make it appear that I don’t trust Him, I want to dispel them that much more quickly.

I have been left by men before. I’ve even been left by men because they fell in love with other women (or men…okay – that only happened once). But I have never been left while in a secure and loving relationship.

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is to be understood.”

Marie Curie

I guess I also fear that somehow, if He adds someone else to His life, that I will somehow be put on the back burner because I’m not as new or as exciting. But, I’ve discussed these fears before, so I won’t go into them again here. Mr. D and I have discussed these fears, and I am willing to work on them. We both know that it will take considerable communication. I’m not being forced into this. Quite honestly, I bless His happiness…and if being with someone else is something that will bolster that happiness, then I am willing to try and support Him.

I know He’s been looking. He doesn’t talk about it much. But I know He’s having a difficult time finding the right person. I mentioned trying a nearby event…maybe a munch or some sort of similar gathering, and I offered to go with Him, knowing that it might make the other person more comfortable knowing that I am supportive of His endeavors. I don’t necessarily want to be involved with a single woman, but, despite my terrible luck with men during our “swinging” days, I’m not against finding “just the right couple.” It would be magic, though…like finding a unicorn in a tropical rainforest. It doesn’t seem very likely, but I’m not shutting out the possibility.

“The fear of facing your fear is harder to overcome than the fear itself.”



  • Floss

    Yay Brigit! Thank you for joining in with this week’s F4TFriday. I am delighted.

    I have battled with every one of these thoughts you’ve discussed and they tricky little devils, but I am so pleased you are talking about them because the more of us that do that the better. It is definitely an ongoing process. I’m 4/5 years into my non-monogamy journey and I am constantly dealing with thoughts on it and I know there are still a lot of new scenarios out there with could come my way and thinking on those, even though they’re not happening yet, definitely allows a lot of those fears to creep back in.

    Fabulous post Brigit and I look forward to hearing more about your non-monogamy journey as it unfolds.

    Floss x

  • May More

    So glad to see your post 😉 – I understand your “him finding another lover fear” – and I know your relationship dynamic is not monogamous – mine is, but I would rather my man tell me about another woman than just go ahead. So as you say communication will and should be paramount. And that is the one thing that seems to re-occur so many times with all relationship dynamics.
    You guys do seem to be working together so well at the moment I get a sense that you can work through most things x

    • Brigit Delaney

      Thanks, May. I do feel we are communicating well through this. Of course, he hasn’t found anyone yet, so the whole thing is still rather theoretical. I haven’t had to face the feelings head on yet.

  • missy

    I can relate to all that you write about here Brigit. I appreciate your openness and honesty and think that will help you in managing your fear in a way that means you can come to see the things which scare you as opportunities. Often, after the event, we look back and wonder why we were scared at all and usually these things which we hold back on end up being the most rewarding in ways we have not expected. I hope that this is the case. missy x

  • Jupiter Grant

    This is a wonderful post; honest and really giving insightful glimpses into the insecurities that many of us feel when it comes to a lover taking another lover. I agree completely with Floss’ comments about discussing these fears not only reassures others who are struggling with similar worries, but the act of opening up the curtains and shining a light on these fears helps to take a bit of the scare factor out of them.
    Thank you for sharing your fears so openly.
    Jupiter Grant recently posted…Digital DominatorMy Profile

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