In any relationship, trust is paramount. It can be earned, lost, regained. Depending on who you are, you may trust easily, or not at all. And that affects how, when, and with whom you can sustain a partnership.
I don’t trust easily. I was taught not to, verbally and on a fairly regular basis, by my father.
Partly because of that, and partly because of my personality, I was always a one-friend-at-a-time kind of person when I was young. I had more than one friend, but that “best” friend was who I spend most of my time and energy on. I told that friend mostly everything and spend most of my time with her. I was also a serial monogamist with friends. When a friendship ran it’s course, I’d find a new best friend to replace the old.
I’ve done a similar thing in life with boys, and then men. I didn’t date around a lot. Instead, I found the one boy I thought I could really trust, and then fell deeply, madly in love. I basically had one real boyfriend like that in high school, and the two in college. Then there was my Husband.
I’ll say that over the years, my nose for people I can trust has been pretty good. I haven’t been screwed over by anyone I’ve really trusted and loved. Maybe I was a dog in a past life, and I just have a 6th sense about good (or bad) people.
But, even having given my trust, I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone 100%. There’s always been that little smidgen of doubt or worry that the person might abandon me, or cheat, or lie. Even when I’ve been given no reason to doubt. Even with my Husband of almost 13 years, there’s been that tiny fragment of worry.
No matter how tiny, however, that little shard can work its way in and wreak havoc, because it can lead to jealousy, anger, and judgement. It’s like the pea under my many mattresses – no matter how tiny, I can always feel it.
So, I wanted to let you know, I’m actively working on this. If I could physically find that little shard of doubt and hand it over on a pillow to Him as a symbol of my deepest submission…sort of the crowning gift of my soul…I would swallow hard and do it.
Not just because I think He deserves my complete trust, but because it would be so damned freeing to simply say, I trust you no matter what you do…no matter where you go…no matter who you’re with.
For me, doing that is hard. I guess I always assume there’s a bit of a devil in people and that given the right circumstances, they’ll choose wrong and hurt others for their own gain.
In some ways, I also guess some of my inability to let go of my doubt is transference. I don’t trust myself to always make the best decisions…the ones worthy of my own trust…so I don’t trust others to, either.
But, today, I can say, honestly, that I trust Him. We’ve been through a lot and He’s had so many opportunities to do “the wrong thing.” Sure, He’s made mistakes; to err is human, after all. But, He’s the kind of person that owns them immediately.
I expect that He will continue to be human in this way. But, I trust His ability to make decisions that are good for us both. I trust His intentions and motivations. I trust His goals and plans for us. I trust His openness. I trust His leadership. I trust Him as a Dominant, as a lover, and as a friend.
Trust is the basis of every relationship, but, in my opinion, it is the absolute most important ingredient in a D/s relationship. As a submissive, I have to trust Him in every regard. And He has to know that I trust Him.
And while I may need to remind myself of it from time to time, I’m handing that doubt over. It is no longer sharp around the edges. Over time, it is turning into a harmless, rather beautiful piece of sea glass.