As someone who deals with bi-polar disorder and completely understands the implications of manic behavior, I guess I’d have to admit that I can become frenetic about anything new: a project, a goal, a plan, and yes…a lifestyle.
Though I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, necessarily, to be excited about the prospects of “new” endeavors, the “new” does tend to wear off pretty quickly for me.
And I fear that.
Because when it wears off, it often brings guilt and shame over my inability to maintain the energy or dedication that comes with new experiences.
Sometimes, I’m the only one who is disappointed by my failure to keep things up. Other times, I disappoint more than just myself.
Either way, depression usually follows.
And I fear that more than anything.
This destructive cycle.
I haven’t had a bout of depression in some time. In fact, I’ve been pretty up for much longer than I can remember. Part of that is because my marriage is in a good place. Another part is that the sun has returned and I am close to vacation. Things at work are winding down, and the end is in sight. And there’s the medication, as well.
And still another part is that our D/s is working. It’s really working. Maybe the third time really is the charm, but we’re communicating better than we have in years, and I feel comfortable and happy with they way things are building.
Maybe that’s why I’m a little “frenzied” about making sure I “keep my head in the game.” Because under it all, there is always a tiny flicker of fear that I will drop the ball, and that once I do, the entire house will fall. Sometimes I feel like He’s waiting for me to do just that.
Sure, that’s the past speaking. The worry that my libido will fail and that I’ll become irritable and unwilling. That this will drive a nail in the coffin that should’ve been sealed years ago. That I’m fooling myself.
I know this isn’t true, but it’s hard sometimes when the darkness seeps into my periphery, mocking and heckling.
To ward it off, I focus on improvement. I focus on being better.
And yes, sometimes I go a little too far.
I want rituals, I want rules, I want spankings, I want experience, I want, I want, I want…because as long as I want, I’m safe.
I know, eventually, (or at least I hope) I will slow down…stop being afraid of my own possible shortcomings. I’ll settle into my submission, with sureness and ease.
So forgive me, if I seem a bit obsessed.
I haven’t felt this sane in a long time.
And honestly, it scares me. Just a little bit.
Sub frenzy is when a “new” sub becomes very excited about new BDSM or D/s experiences and may proceed with very little caution. The sub may not think about the practicality of what they are doing and may not consider things like harm, health, or consequences of their behaviors. Characteristics of sub frenzy may appear similar to addiction or mania, and people with personalities prone to these conditions should proceed with caution, constantly reflecting and communicating.
While I wouldn’t necessarily say I am in a state of “frenzy,” I am definitely in a state of “dedication.” I’m trying very hard to do things right this time, and I feel that I am. There is a level of balance and harmony right now, and while I am, of course, hungry to slowly add and build to what we have, I don’t think I am “out of control” or that I am proceeding without caution. In fact, quite the opposite; I think I’m being intensely self-reflective.
So, while there may be a heightened level of excitement, what I am currently experiencing is not what I would call “sub frenzy.”
Instead, this is more the feeling an artist might have looking at a blank white canvas.
(Disclaimer: The opinions in these articles are simply that…opinions. These are my personal feelings on issues of D/s. It is important to note that I am and always have been in a consensual relationship, and any activities I partake of, I have done so with full consciousness and willingness. Also, on the issue of pronoun usage, I use HE/she pronouns, with the Dominant being the He and the submissive being the she. This is for ease of writing and because it is what I identify with. Pronouns are interchangeable, so feel free to fill in with those that work best for your situation. Be nice in the comments. I’m not here to be berated or argue the issues, I’m just here to explore my own feelings and opinions and share them with those that may find benefit in doing so.)