This post is #27 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts.


As someone who deals with bi-polar disorder and completely understands the implications of manic behavior, I guess I’d have to admit that I can become frenetic about anything new: a project, a goal, a plan, and yes…a lifestyle.

Though I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, necessarily, to be excited about the prospects of “new” endeavors, the “new” does tend to wear off pretty quickly for me.

And I fear that.

Because when it wears off, it often brings guilt and shame over my inability to maintain the energy or dedication that comes with new experiences.

Sometimes, I’m the only one who is disappointed by my failure to keep things up. Other times, I disappoint more than just myself.

Either way, depression usually follows.

And I fear that more than anything.

This destructive cycle.

I haven’t had a bout of depression in some time. In fact, I’ve been pretty up for much longer than I can remember. Part of that is because my marriage is in a good place. Another part is that the sun has returned and I am close to vacation. Things at work are winding down, and the end is in sight. And there’s the medication, as well.

And still another part is that our D/s is working. It’s really working. Maybe the third time really is the charm, but we’re communicating better than we have in years, and I feel comfortable and happy with they way things are building.

Maybe that’s why I’m a little “frenzied” about making sure I “keep my head in the game.” Because under it all, there is always a tiny flicker of fear that I will drop the ball, and that once I do, the entire house will fall. Sometimes I feel like He’s waiting for me to do just that.

Sure, that’s the past speaking. The worry that my libido will fail and that I’ll become irritable and unwilling. That this will drive a nail in the coffin that should’ve been sealed years ago. That I’m fooling myself.

I know this isn’t true, but it’s hard sometimes when the darkness seeps into my periphery, mocking and heckling.

To ward it off, I focus on improvement. I focus on being better.

And yes, sometimes I go a little too far.

I want rituals, I want rules, I want spankings, I want experience, I want, I want, I want…because as long as I want, I’m safe.

I know, eventually, (or at least I hope) I will slow down…stop being afraid of my own possible shortcomings. I’ll settle into my submission, with sureness and ease.

So forgive me, if I seem a bit obsessed.

I haven’t felt this sane in a long time.

And honestly, it scares me. Just a little bit.


Sub frenzy is when a “new” sub becomes very excited about new BDSM or D/s experiences and may proceed with very little caution. The sub may not think about the practicality of what they are doing and may not consider things like harm, health, or consequences of their behaviors. Characteristics of sub frenzy may appear similar to addiction or mania, and people with personalities prone to these conditions should proceed with caution, constantly reflecting and communicating.

While I wouldn’t necessarily say I am in a state of “frenzy,” I am definitely in a state of “dedication.” I’m trying very hard to do things right this time, and I feel that I am. There is a level of balance and harmony right now, and while I am, of course, hungry to slowly add and build to what we have, I don’t think I am “out of control” or that I am proceeding without caution. In fact, quite the opposite; I think I’m being intensely self-reflective.

So, while there may be a heightened level of excitement, what I am currently experiencing is not what I would call “sub frenzy.”

Instead, this is more the feeling an artist might have looking at a blank white canvas.

Possibility.

Opportunity.

Hope.

(Disclaimer: The opinions in these articles are simply that…opinions. These are my personal feelings on issues of D/s. It is important to note that I am and always have been in a consensual relationship, and any activities I partake of, I have done so with full consciousness and willingness. Also, on the issue of pronoun usage, I use HE/she pronouns, with the Dominant being the He and the submissive being the she. This is for ease of writing and because it is what I identify with. Pronouns are interchangeable, so feel free to fill in with those that work best for your situation. Be nice in the comments. I’m not here to be berated or argue the issues, I’m just here to explore my own feelings and opinions and share them with those that may find benefit in doing so.)

10 Replies to “This is Not “Sub Frenzy””

  1. I recall my own experiences with sub frenzy. I once wrote that I felt my submission was like a curriculum where I had to be competitive to reach the next stage as fast as possible to prove what a good sub I was. Like trying to do piano grade 1 thru 8 in a month.

    I can see what you mean when you say a state of dedication and doing things right. If you’re given the chance to relive the sub frenzy experiences in a more controlled and self-informed way I found it gave me peace in knowing how to apply myself in more constructive ways.

    Hope it all comes to you.

    melody x

    1. I like your piano metaphor. I can definitely see myself trying to achieve more quickly, but I’m trying to keep my head and avoid jumping the gun.

  2. I have been following your blog for so long and somehow I ‘feel’ that this time round your D/s is so different than the previous two times. I have feeling that the third time indeed is a charm, even though I understand where your fears come from. Keep an eye on your goals, my friend, and I am sure your husband keeps an eye on you too.

    Rebel xox

  3. I’m happy for you that things are going so well right now. Don’t forget to enjoy the moment!

    I’m in a better place right now myself, and every day I’m afraid something terrible is going to happen and that it’s all going to collapse. And what people always tell me is: don’t focus too much on the future. Enjoy today.

    So don’t focus on how you might wreck it. Just enjoy the flow 🙂

    1. That is exactly what I’m trying to do. Thanks for the advice! And as I do, I’m cataloging what works and what doesn’t, so I can keep track and we can build a life that works for us.

  4. Just reading the above comment – i am all for remembering to live in the present when we can.
    I too remember older posts of yours where the dynamic was not working so well for you – this does seem a lot better and I hope it continues x

    1. Thanks, May. I think we are both in a better place, and we are just communicating so much better. Building from the ground up and really discussing what is working or not and why. Very much in the moment.

  5. As a fellow sufferer of Bipolar Disorder, I very much feel this. I am always worried for the depression or the mixed episode, for not being able to be the girlfriend, sub, partner, that my Master needs. I’ve learnt through the years that while I can’t control how the disorder affects me, I am not the disorder. I have stopped to constantly read myself and understand if I am in an episode or not, if my behaviour is manic, or mixed, or depressed. I am prepared. I have been through it all, and I will get through it all again. I am always trying to have a certain constant in my life, and that is the routines in my relationship, and in my every day life. Those keep me afloat. And it seems like you have something similar with the rituals!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Age Verification

By clicking enter, I certify that I am over the age of 18 and will comply with the above statement.

Enter

Or

Exit
Always enjoy responsibily.
%d bloggers like this: