30 Days of D/s,  Experience

Sexual Availability

This post is #23 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts. 

D/s relationships often include some type of sexual availability…and mine surely does.

When He asks, I am rarely willing to attempt a “no.” And I usually have no problem jumping to fulfill his sexual needs, be it a blow job in the afternoon, a morning fuck, or a mid-day bend-over in the bedroom. I don’t mind Him fucking my face, using me for His pleasure. In fact, I enjoy it 90% of the time.


The time I have the most trouble living up to the “Sexual Availability” credo is in the middle of the night.

I love my sleep. I need my sleep. Without my sleep, I am not even human. And when my sleep is interrupted I forget myself. I am not a submissive…I am an angry, hissing demon, completely unaware of my daytime personality. Unfortunately, my Husband’s sexsomnia is sometimes as strong as my own unwillingness to fuck after midnight (most nights), and His middle-of-the-night advances can lead me to become snappy and pissed off and willing to throw pillows and insults…anything to protect my slumber.

Thankfully, when His sexsomnia kicks in (when He’s stressed, sick, overtired, drunk, etc.), He’s as unaware of my behavior as He is of His own.

Aside from this, however, I am usually perfectly fine with my body being His to use as He sees fit and when. In fact, it’s a turn-on to know that He has that sort of control and that He is willing and happy to use it on a regular basis. It’s that Dominant side of Him that makes me sloppy wet on a regular basis.

When I’m Not in the Mood

I realize that sex isn’t the focus of every D/s relationship, but for ours, it definitely is. I’d say that sexual submission is equal to mental submission for us.

And while I may have a bit of work to do to make myself less irritable about being woken up for sex at night, I am mostly happy to accommodate.

There are times, of course, when I’m really not in the mood. Sometimes, I suck that back and go with the flow, hoping that my body eventually figures it out and joins the party, which it usually does. But, if it doesn’t, He is not so unperceptive or cruel to simply use me when my body is not willing to cooperate (though there has been a time or two…and I suppose that just proves that He can, and I’ll not put up a fight). After all, my body is His to use, His to command. He also wants to be wanted and enjoy sex with a willing partner, so if I’m not interested, He’s unlikely to want it, anyway.

He is a fair and loving Dominant…as He is also my Husband and best friend. He’s not in this to hurt me (like really hurt me). This is about making us both feel good, so fucking me when I feel like shit…when I’m sick or depressed? Usually that doesn’t happen. Very rarely does He choose to used His power over me in that way, unless it’s done with great care and reason. Sometimes He does it to get my head out of something else (like a reset), and He, of course, has the complete right (and my consent) to do it even when I’m pissed off about it…pouty, grumbling, and scowling.


He’s been with me for so long that He can see the signs that I’m just not into it. We’re human, and that happens, so it’s not really a big deal. However, both of us have had long-term libido issues, so when that “I’m not in the mood” thing creeps into weeks, then talks must ensue, because neither of us want to fall into the black lagoon of sexlessness again – it nearly ruined our marriage once before, and I’m not about to let that happen again.

In that past, it happened a lot more, but my libido (and His) seems to have taken a happy turn, and I am definitely interested in sex on a much more regular basis than I was several years ago (for several years)…thank FUCKING God.

Performance Anxiety

Sexual availability, however, can also include being willing to engage in other sexual situations that a Dominant deems worthy…such as sex or sexual acts with others, public displays, masturbation as performance, etc. I am less “happy” to accommodate in these ways, as I’m a bit on the shy or easily embarrassed side and definitely freaked out by performing for or with others. I’m not as readily willing to admit to or submit to my “fantasized” interest in humiliation (something I’m not completely ready to explore yet), especially if other people are involved (I even struggle with masturbating for Him).

In fact, the idea of bringing others into our D/s equation at all conjures an instant “bite my lip”  and “furrow my brow” reaction. For me, that type of activity lives in the fantasy realm still. It’s something I’ll write about, think about, even dream about, but I’m not ready to be taken to a party with a collar and a leash and told to kneel beside Him or have Him hand me over to be used by a stranger for His pleasure.

My body is His…available for His touch, His kiss, His pleasure, His demands. Ready to present, to bend and twist to His command. To suck Him, to hold Him, to kneel at His feet. To open myself to Him, tell Him my secrets, my desires, my needs, and my truths. He is my other half…my strength…my rock.

And I feel pretty damned lucky to have Him…to have someone who seeks my sexual availability and honors it for what it is, a flawed gift of vulnerability wrapped in ribbons of trust.


  • May More

    Lovely post Brigit – I love how you describe him – “He is a fair and loving Dominant…as He is also my Husband and best friend.”
    Made me happy reading it 😉

  • Kayla Lords

    I recognize a lot of myself in this, although I don’t have quite the same problems with being woken up…though we had to renegotiate part of that because I couldn’t handle a 2am fuck when I still had to wake up at 6am. It was too much broken sleep. So now it’s either within a short time of the alarm going off or when the sun has risen a little on a weekend. But JB takes my health, well-being, AND desire into account before he takes what’s his, and I appreciate that. He’s learned many of my signals and can tell when I’m not really into it. Sometimes that doesn’t matter (which is deliciously kinky) and sometimes he backs off and we cuddle instead. Anytime he doesn’t get sex when he wants it, I apologize because I want him to have what he wants when he wants it…and he always tells me to stop being silly.

    • Brigit Delaney

      I too want him to get what He wants…but that night thing. Some of the best sex we’ve ever had has been in the middle of the night, but then…other nights I just can’t handle it. Work nights are just sort of off limits. Problem is, He’s not awake when the sexsomnia kicks in and has no clue He’s waking me up. It’s a strange disorder.
      Brigit Delaney recently posted…My Biggest Turn-onMy Profile

  • Lexy

    Well written and I find so much to be relatable, even from my non-D/s perspective. Like you I turn into an insane daemon when my sleep is threatened … and your explanations of why he might miss those signs made me laugh. I mean, we’re all just human and that’s what I liked most about this post, the way the real life qualities came out.
    Lexy recently posted…Come into the GardenMy Profile

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