30 Days of D/s,  Experience,  Opinion

Rituals & Reminders to Keep the Submissive Flame Burning (w/Reader’s Forum)

This post is #25 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts.

It’s not like I suddenly forget I’m a submissive, but during the day, it’s easy (and natural) to not think about it, as I get involved in all the things I have to do: get myself and the kiddo ready for school (which can be stressful, as morning is not really our cup of tea), get to work, do a million things while I’m there, run errands, go to yoga (though I usually choose something relating to our relationship as my intention for practice – so there’s that), etc.

But losing sight of it isn’t really the problem. I try to practice mindfulness, set priorities and remain present wherever I am. So, when I’m at work, I try to be “all there.” I’m okay with that, but the fact that my brain is having to shift gears and be present in so many different places and with so many different people scatters me by the end the day. And then I find myself mindfully exhausted and tired of being present. I’m “fractured” and too tired and stretched to be “mindful” as a submissive. Which isn’t okay. And yes, I realize it’s a matter of setting priorities and saving my energy for the things that matter most. No need to coach me there.

So, to avoid this, I’m going to practice a little “active submission” and come up with some ways to keep my head in the sub game (even if just for little moments) during the day and avoid what I’ll call the mindfulness hangover.

I’m a pretty visual person, so periodic visual or tactile reminders are important for refocusing my mind. Little reminders. They don’t need to be big, and they don’t have to take much of my focus, just enough to make me go “oh…yeah…that….” I also know that once I earn a day collar, I will have that to fondle occasionally during the day…a sort of talisman or such to bring me back to that connection. A nipple piercing (which I’ve also been considering) could do a similar trick.



I know there will be people who say I don’t need to be thinking about it all the time. I know that. I couldn’t possibly, and I don’t want to, either. BUT, what I want to avoid is not thinking about it at all during the day and then coming home to find that I’m frustrated by suddenly having to shift gears or finding that I’m not ready for it (I don’t transition well) or just plain too tired. I know I need to learn to adapt and accommodate…but I’m in process, so give me a break (and I’m sure He’ll give me a smack on the ass to motivate me).

I also know there will be people who think I shouldn’t need reminders…that if it doesn’t come naturally all the damn time then I’m not really a very committed sub. Yeah…those people can go fuck themselves. #sorrynotsorry

At Work

So…what can be done at work to remind me…on occasion…that I fill another important role in my life? Since I’m so visual, I was thinking of placing some small figurine or image on my desk, so that when I see it, my mind flashes (even just momentarily) to the idea of submission. Seriously, I considered what the image or shape could be without giving me away or being inappropriate, especially given my work setting. I decided that anything having to do with princesses could work.

Also, if I change the background image on my phone (similar symbol) that will remind me, I’ll see that on a regular basis.

And, doing a check-in with Him via text at lunch could also be a good thing.


Traveling in the Car/Doing Errands

Again, this is a place where a small visual reminder (ahem…princess?), maybe a car seat cover or something that hangs from my rear-view mirror would do the trick.



Transition from Home to Work

If I manage to think briefly about it at work and when travelling/doing errands, transitioning from day to evening at home won’t be quite so “difficult.” I was also thinking that maybe a change of clothes (no panties…a dress or nightgown…), something that indicates a physical, emotional, and mental change, might be effective.

Of course, I still have to be a parent, so there’s no leather or collars or nudity allowed. We gotta keep this show PG until the kiddo hits the hay.

However, being physically accessible to Him when little moments become available (in the laundry room or bathroom, when the boy isn’t looking, under the blanket on the couch) is something I’ve been considering for some time now.

We don’t do the D/s thing continually, every second we’re together. After all, we have things we do that require that we be equals (parenting, running a home, etc.). It isn’t like I kneel at His feet every evening (though I suppose I could), but little daily rituals, like taking His boots off, making His drinks, serving Him first, etc. – these things maintain our power dynamic, which is important to both of us. That way, when we do want to “go all out,” the relationship has provided the steady hum necessary to keep up the correct emotions and head space to make that happen.

Reader’s Forum

So I’d like to open this one up for some feedback. What do you do to either keep your mind “subby” (or “dommy”) or take your mind from one mode (like work or parenting) in your life to one that is submissive (or dominant)? How do you transition? What little reminders or rituals have you employed in your day to bring you back to a submissive (or dominant) place?

Here a couple of resources I found from submissiveguide.com:
5 Ways to Reset Your ‘Feel Submissive Button’
Leaving Work at the Door: How to Find Your Submissive Mindset Once You are Both at Home

And here’s one from Kayla Lords @ LovingBDSM:
4 Ways to Get Into a Kinky Mindset

If you have resource suggestions, share them in the comments! Thank you!

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    • Brigit Delaney

      Thanks, E.L. It’s a journey, and one I am thoroughly enjoying – though it can consume my thoughts quite often.

  • Marie Rebelle

    I think the ideas you have here all can work to ‘remind’ you or put you in the mindset. I wear a day collar and can indeed fondle it whenever I want to, and it always reminds me of my role. I also like the idea of checking in during the lunch.

    Very thoughtful post… and thought-provoking too 🙂

    Rebel xox

    • Brigit Delaney

      Maybe it’s subfrenzy (which I’ll write about soon) but I’m also considering buying Luna KM’s new workbook on submissiveguide.com

      Really, once these things become habit…rituals ingrained and followed regularly, I won’t have to think about it as much. But until then, I like the reminders.

  • Molly

    I have never been one for rituals. I find that they tend to frustrate me and mostly make me feel meh as I tend to forget them.


    • Brigit Delaney

      I think it is that way for a lot of people. They can also cause boredom. But I find them soothing as I have a very busy mind that needs corralling. Rituals do that for me and center me. They give me a sense of grounding and expectation. But of course, we are all different.

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