Gratitude

I’ve always been a bit embarrassed about sharing any part of my sexuality. I have a hard time talking about it to anyone, friends, professionals, even my Husband at times.

I know this likely sounds intensely ironic considering what I post on this website.

But, that’s the thing. Sex blogging has provided me a forum for sharing some very personal things: my feelings, my vulnerabilities, my fears, my fantasies, my body.

And since this is an area that sometimes causes me mental turmoil (past tense more than present – I’m getting better), having an outlet has been theraputic and cathartic.

I have used this space (and others like it) to release and to grow as a sexual being. I have shared stories of lost libido and fears of not ever finding my sex drive again. I’ve shared my fantasies, mainly through story, even those that made me somewhat uncomfortable. I’ve cultivated a more positive self-image through the sharing of photos. I’ve explored and questioned and ranted and raved.

And I continue to do so, almost daily.

Having this space has given me a voice for a part of my self that would otherwise be stifled.

And yet, it’s a space that I have to keep to myself. Though I share it with the world, I cannot share it with those close to me. This is still not a part of me that can be public in my own life.

Those of you who write from a similar space will understand that.

This space is for me…and for you, my readers. You get a part of me that my family and friends will never see. A part that would embarrass me if they knew. A part that would shame and likely ruin me in some ways.

But, here, anonymous, I am free to be who I am, sexually.

Of course, you don’t get to see me as I am in life. I keep those details from you to protect myself and those I love.

Nowhere, other than with my Husband, and I allowed to be the entire package.

Yesterday, I wrote about trust. And I guess that’s another reason why I trust Him as much as I do. He holds the knowledge of my whole world in His hands. All of my likes and dislikes, fears and worries, quirks and flaws.

He’s seen me fall off the bed, squirting cum out my nose because I’m laughing so hard.

He’s seen me sick and at my ugliest.

He’s seen me weak, crying at His feet on the floor.

He’s seen the monster in me released.

You’ve seen a polished version of me…the photos, the words…the edited copy.

But he’s seen the messy planning and drafts littering the floor…the blood, the sweat, the tears.

He’s seen the flush of shame on my cheeks.

I feel lucky to have all of the outlets that I do. It’s what keeps me sane (well, that and the medication, of course). I have my friends, my family, my work, and this blog. Each fills a paricular need. And He, is at the center of them all, His foot in each, as my friend, my family, my sounding board, and my muse.

So, I guess this is a thank you…to you for reading and supporting what I do here, accepting me for who I am; even though I can only offer you part of me, you let me entertain you and vent and experiment.

And this is a thank you to Him, for accepting me as I am in life, and encouraging me to share my experiences through writing.

I may still be embarrassed to show parts of myself, even to you, even to Him. But, I am grateful for the space to try and the venue in which to share my haphazard attempts to grow from my mistakes.

There will be an upcoming opportunity in the Erotic Journal Challenge to write a letter of gratitude. I sort of went off prompt for this entry because I just couldn’t really come up with anything I was truly embarrassed about. Today, I just felt gratitude. And so…that’s what you got. A big fat thank you.

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