I’ve always pretty much been submissive to my Husband. From the beginning, though, I’ll admit it was sometimes difficult to let go of control, especially since I had lived on my own for some time and hadn’t really had very dominant lovers before Him. I craved it though, even if it was only subconscious. But rather than submitting (since I didn’t really realize that’s what I needed)…to a good Dominant…as would have been healthy…I lost myself to men, trying desperately to push them into a role they couldn’t fill and likely didn’t want. My actions made me appear needy and weak…maybe even co-dependent at times.
By the time I realized that D/s was technically what I was really looking for, I was several years married. Our first forays into it were superficial and based on what we thought it should be rather than what it was…for us (at least, in my opinion). Naturally, it failed.
This time is different, though. I can feel it. And the main thing that makes it different is communication.
We’re still learning. We’ll probably never be in a position to stop learning, which is fine by me, since that means we are still growing.
Some Areas of Weakness…
Transition from Work to Home
During the day, I’m in a position of control. I have to guide quite a few people (both big and small) and make hundreds of little decisions before I come home at night. It can be hard to relinquish control when I walk in the door, not so much because I don’t want to, but because making the transition from one way of being to another is just difficult for me. Especially because I’m still in “taking care of business” mode when I get home…all those little chores that need to get taken care of right away before we can sit down to dinner and then melt onto the couch. I’m going a hundred miles an hour until I’m suddenly going zero. And then I pretty much disintegrate into uselessness, which is no good for our dynamic.
I know this is a situation of making time for what matters most and leaving energy for the things that I prioritize. I also know that it’s on me (to a large degree) to figure out a “walk through the front door ritual” or some sort of transitional activity earlier in the evening that marks leaving one world and entering another so that I can be more present in my submissive role.
One of the complications of having a 24/7 D/s relationship within a marriage that already existed before the D/s component was added is that we are equals in every way. We co-parent, make financial decisions together, share household chores, etc. We value each other’s opinions and rely on each other to carry our half of the load. I tend to defer to Him in most things, but even if I’m kneeling, I take my place beside Him rather than behind Him.
This works for us in most regards, but I know that He is struggling to find the perfect balance…where His hand becomes too heavy or His resolve too soft.
It’s also tough because we aren’t always in “D/s mode.” We live a pretty “normal” life most of the time, D/s is just woven in so seamlessly that it is almost not perceivable (certainly not from the outside). In the beginning, I even questioned if what we were doing could be considered 24/7 D/s, but He assured me that it, indeed, was…that it’s just the way we live, and therefore it isn’t something we have to work too hard to achieve. This doesn’t include scene play or anything more “hard core” (we are just moving into that now, which I’ll discuss in a moment).
Creativity and Initiative (“Active Submission”)
I’ve always struggled with this…not just in the area of submission. Sexual creativity and initiating sex are not areas of strength for me. It might seem ironic, seeing how I write erotica on a pretty regular basis, which pretty much relies completely on my sexual creativity. But, in life, I’m not terribly creative. However, I think this is related to the issues above, and that this is more a product of priorities and time-management than anything else. So, once again, this is a problem that I need to fix.
I’m not doing a great job of following the little objectives that He recently set out for me (just over a month ago). I’m blogging pretty regularly, but I’m hit or miss with my work outs, and have not done a whole lot with “getting out of my comfort zone” sexually (though I did ask for a spanking – and that’s definitely something new for me!) or sending him a sexual video or photo each week (I think this week was the first time). I shave every weekend, which seems to be acceptable to Him, and I’ve been doing good with the “no panty Friday” rule (haven’t missed a Friday yet, though I almost forgot once). I’ve forgotten to plug in my phone a couple of times and have failed to keep and turn over a few receipts. My drink service is spotty, and I’ve let the gas gauge fall below half.
I’m basically a “C-” sub right now. But, since I’m dedicated, there’s nowhere to go but up, in my opinion.
My First Punishment
On His end, I can tell He’s beginning to feel his Dom-y oats…starting to feel comfortable enough to fully take on His role and not let our past failures dictate what He does or how He does it.
It doesn’t always work out as perfectly as imagined…we have our hiccups, but we work through them much more sanely than we have in the past.
For example, last night, I threw a bit of attitude at Him while He was packing for His conference. He didn’t have enough jeans, so I flipped Him some shit…”Maybe you should try shopping more than once a year…” and He took hold of me, told me to watch my tone, bent me over the sink, pulled down my pajama pants, and cracked my ass with His hand. It hurt, and I was a bit stunned. After all, my head wasn’t in the space that allowed for spankings, so my psyche resisted it. He landed a second smack, harder than the first, and I collapsed to my knees, tears welling. I wasn’t prepared for it…the spanking or my own reaction to it. But He was well within His right to do it, and, given the situation, He was hardly out of line.
I think He panicked a bit, though. He hadn’t meant to really hurt me. And, while it had really hurt, I think it hurt more simply because I wasn’t prepared for it. This wasn’t a sexy spanking; it was a punishment. And I’ve never handled punishment well.
After pulling myself together, full pouty face at its best, I told Him if His goal was to put me in my place, it had worked. My ass was hot and my cheeks were flushed in humiliation. It wasn’t a feeling I’m used to, and I wasn’t completely sure how to process it. Rather than shutting down and caving in on myself, though, I kept the line of communication open to Him.
He wanted to know what I was feeling…wanted me to think about what the moment had made me feel and why so I could write to Him about it (which I’m doing right now).
Honestly, it shocked the shit out of me. It’s been a long time since He asserted Himself like that. And I feel like it was an interesting turning point.
Since I asked for a spanking just a few weeks ago, He’s begun spanking me playfully more often…harder, gauging my reactions and tolerance. This punishment pushed me, and He responded in kind. He told me His objective wasn’t to subjugate me. This may sound counter-intuitive, since we’re in a D/s relationship. But, as I described earlier, we’re really equal partners. And though I am His submissive, He isn’t looking to conquer me or break me or enslave me. That’s not what our D/s is about. He wants to give me what builds me up, even if that means an occasional “reminder” like the one he gave me last night. The shock of last night’s “reminder” was that it was a first.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for another one any time soon. But, I get why He did it. And I also understand my reaction as one of surprise rather than one of anger or emotional hurt.
Afterward, we lay in bed, talking about it, staying open to each other. And knowing He was leaving town in the morning, we eventually wound up losing ourselves in a kiss, then touching, then groping, and fucking hard. He wrapped His hand around my throat, bent me in half. And then He pounded Himself into me from behind, my face pressed into the mattress, my back painfully arched, he pulled my hair and I could feel the hand prints on my ass burning with each thrust of His pelvis against me. His hand around my neck
He took me. He proved I was His. He didn’t need to. I knew that already, but the sheer act of Him doing it is always impressive. It twists me inside, each time solidifying my place with Him.
It is intimate, and it makes me feel safe. I let go of all the control that I keep during the day. Everything. And it gushes out of me, leaving me limp like a rag doll.
And I think the more it happens, the more likely I’ll be to let it go at the door.
We are filling our roles; day by day, we are becoming this new version of ourselves…building our D/s house one brick at a time, day by day, week by week.