This post is #16 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts. 


Mr. D and I are not always together. We both work outside the home, and there are times when one or the other of us is out of town. So what will happen to our D/s dynamic when we’re apart?

The feeling of being a submissive or a Dominant doesn’t just leave when the Dominant or submissive does. Our focus may shift. But our roles never change.

Making this shift from being submissive (which happens on demand and when we are together) is different from being a submissive in that one is not full-time and the other is. Being a submissive pervades every facet of life. Just as being a parent or being a wife does. It doesn’t mean that I will always be thinking about it or always doing it…but it never goes away, and it can easily become who I am at any given point. It’s not something I can just say…”Hey, need a break from this, I don’t want to be a parent today.” When my son walks in and asks me for help with homework, I become mom. When Mr. D tells me to get Him a drink or strip now, I must switch gears and become His. While I am always a mom and always His, the circumstances shift my head space. If I were just submissive, I could easily tell Him I can’t right now or I don’t want to right now. Whereas when I am His submissive, I do not. I must shift gears and follow the directive.

So, if Mr. D were out of town, I would still do things He expected around the house or to my own body. And I’m guessing He may set forth demands or challenges for while He is away or text or call and give me particular directives. The text or call would be the thing to shift my gears and pull me back into the correct head space.

I don’t think anyone fills ONE single role every second of their life. We fill several and compartmentalize the requirements for each in our brain. When we need to fill one role, we put on that set of abilities like a cape and go to work.

Certain things can put us into a particular head space longer, though. For example, being asked to not wear underwear (if you aren’t used to it), or wearing a collar (when you haven’t before), or wearing a butt plug to do housework, or having to track a particular behavior all day. Those things can pull you back into a particular head space more often during a day.

Are there people out there who think and feel and act their submissive role all day? Maybe. Of course, the characteristic of being submissive, if that is your personality, is always there. I am not a submissive person in my regular life. In fact, I’m usually in a leadership role at work. I don’t like being told what to do, and I have a tendency to “take over” when I see things not coming together like they should. I am only submissive to Mr. D.

Things are probably very different for people who live completely LDR D/s relationships. But, since I know nothing of those, I’m not going to even attempt to write about them. I can only say that when Mr. D and I are apart, during the day, for a weekend, because of a work trip, I will maintain the behaviors that have been set forth for me and do whatever He comes up with while He is away (just as I would if He were here.) It’s really that simple.

And if conflict arises or questions or negative emotions, communication can still occur over the phone.

One area where I struggle, though, and could use some guidance (from Him – and since He’s going to read this…) is the shift from work to home. I have so many balls in the air at work (I know – I said balls…) and often run errands on the way home and take care of our son, that when I walk in the door, it is often hard to transition into the our at-home dynamic.

We’re just getting back into this, and Mr. D hasn’t set forth any rules or expectations yet, and we haven’t discussed anything past his acceptance of my submission, so I may be presumptuous in even bringing that up. But moving from almost-sorta-kinda-D/s (because, yeah, that never really goes away) to actual-for-reals-24/7-D/s means having my mind on it quite a bit more than I have up to this point. So, I’ve yet to see how things are going to work out when we’re together, let alone apart.

I trust Him to figure that out, though. He’s a pretty creative guy…and He’s not about to let me get away with “no rules.” Besides…that would hardly be D/s, now would it?

(Disclaimer: The opinions in these articles are simply that…opinions. These are my personal feelings on issues of D/s. It is important to note that I am and always have been in a consensual relationship, and any activities I partake of, I have done so with full consciousness and willingness. Also, on the issue of pronoun usage, I use HE/she pronouns, with the Dominant being the He and the submissive being the she. This is for ease of writing and because it is what I identify with. Pronouns are interchangeable, so feel free to fill in with those that work best for your situation. Be nice in the comments. I’m not here to be berated or argue the issues, I’m just here to explore my own feelings and opinions and share them with those that may find benefit in doing so.)

One Reply to “When the Dom’s Away, the sub Will…”

  1. I liked this post as it gave a realistic view of the way the dynamic can be. Like you I would love to be in the right mindset all the time but that is not the way life works. I am better at the transition from work to home now but it took a while and I definitely struggle when HL is away. Great post and you have given me some things to think about 🙂

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