30 Days of D/s,  Experience,  Opinion

Real Life D/s

This post is #18 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts. 

D/s would be “easy” if we all lived in dungeons, didn’t have kids, and didn’t go to work. But, hey, we’re human and we do have kids and we do get sick and we work and sometimes we just aren’t fucking in the mood.

That last one, I don’t really get a choice. (Mood doesn’t seem to be something Mr. D is really willing to let me get away with.) But, we spend a lot of time being parents and just being there for our families and being employees. And during those times, D/s is pretty much put on the back burner. So our D/s is only put front and center when our distractions are set aside. Sure, there can be reminders throughout a day, even when other things are in focus (a text, not wearing panties, a directive), but for the most part, we have to wait until after our son’s bedtime or when we’re home alone to go all out.

That doesn’t mean D/s can’t happen or doesn’t during the day. I get my Husband’s drinks, I make Him coffee, and there are “looks,” smacks on the ass, and hand on the neck, being called into the bedroom, squeezes, texts, etc. that can maintain the dynamic even when in public or around others who may not be very accepting or understanding.

We parent as equals, so D/s takes a backseat there. I call Him on those moments when He loses His temper, and He calls me on those moments when I cave or give in to easily. I do most of the child pick-up and drop-off and school stuff because I am more available than He is…I work in the same part of town that our son goes to school, so it is easier for me to do those things, plus I get off of work earlier, so taking him to practices is usually up to me.

In home care, we have always taken fairly typical male/female roles…except that He does the cooking. I clean the house, He takes care of the yard. I do most of the shopping and decoration, He does the fixing and maintenance.

I also gave up our finances to Mr. D a long time ago…probably before the first time we tried D/s. It’s something that causes me a lot of grief and stress, so letting someone else field that is a big relief for me. I’m cool with an allowance and letting Him make those decisions because it lightens my load astronomically. I did our budget and checkbook the first 8 years of our marriage, and I have no intention of taking it back.

None of our friends or family know that we have this dynamic (well…maybe a friend or two). It just isn’t something we share, and we don’t hang out with too many “like-minded” folks. And while we used to be involved in the swinging community, we aren’t part of any active local BDSM groups. Living in a small town, it’s hard to feel comfortable joining in. We’d have to commute and be a part of a bigger city’s community to maintain our anonymity. And so…so far, we just do this thing all by ourselves. I have more of an outlet that Mr. D does, as I have other bloggers I can communicate with and people online who are involved in D/s. Finding other submissives to ask questions of or at least feel connected to isn’t hard for me…but I wonder how Mr. D feels, being alone as a Dominant, without other Doms to reach out to.

Basically, we live “normal” lives.

We go to work. We raise a child. We do chores and make dinner and work out and read books and watch TV.

We just have this underlying thing that adds a little something extra underneath. And while it may seem sidelined or invisible or even non-existent (outside of the bedroom), it infiltrates much of what we do. And it’s definitely one of the things that allows me to keep my head in the game.

Today, I was at yoga, and the instructor reminded us that the goal of yoga is stillness and focus through movement. It’s a way to still our mind.

I have a busy brain, and D/s, like yoga, helps me to still it…to focus it through intention and guidance.

For those who don’t know or do D/s, it might be hard to envision. But, it comes down to this. If I’m freaking out, all Mr. D has to do is grab hold of me and tell me to stop…give me “that look,” and I no longer have the choice. He’s taken it over. He’s told me to stop, and that is the decision he’s made. If I disregard it…there may be a consequence.

Sure, if I weren’t into D/s I could just say, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want,” but what aim would that serve? Giving Him the power takes the responsibility off my plate. Not fighting Him on it allows me to simply serve…which also serves me well. It’s a choice. I have to soften into it, accept it…let go.

To me, that’s a healthy alternative to freaking out. It’s also a healthy alternative to not going to yoga or not plugging in my phone or not keeping my receipts. He manages my poor behavior to help me improve it. He also gets to manage other behaviors simply because it serves Him, too. That’s part of the deal, of course…sex on demand and various personal services.

After all, managing me is difficult, and He deserves his own rewards.

(Disclaimer: The opinions in these articles are simply that…opinions. These are my personal feelings on issues of D/s. It is important to note that I am and always have been in a consensual relationship, and any activities I partake of, I have done so with full consciousness and willingness. Also, on the issue of pronoun usage, I use HE/she pronouns, with the Dominant being the He and the submissive being the she. This is for ease of writing and because it is what I identify with. Pronouns are interchangeable, so feel free to fill in with those that work best for your situation. Be nice in the comments. I’m not here to be berated or argue the issues, I’m just here to explore my own feelings and opinions and share them with those that may find benefit in doing so.)


  • missy

    It is always reassuring to read about how others make their D/s work with the everyday life responsibilities as I realise that there are lots of similarities. ?

  • Liz BlackX

    ‘I get my Husband’s drinks, I make Him coffee, and there are “looks,” smacks on the ass, and hand on the neck, being called into the bedroom, squeezes, texts, etc. that can maintain the dynamic even when in public or around others who may not be very accepting or understanding.’

    This is so us! Amazing to find so many similarities. Real life and D/s will always be a struggle I suppose.

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