30 Days of D/s,  Experience,  Opinion

D/s Doesn’t Mean Leaving Vanilla Behind

This post is #12 in my 30 Days of D/s series. If you’d like to read more, please visit my 30 Days of D/s page for the complete inventory of posts. 

Discussing my journey from “just vanilla” to D/s isn’t something new for this site. I’ve written many posts on this topic, several of which were compiled in this post. This post is the first I ever wrote about myself possibly being submissive. But, since the question is being asked for 30 Days of D/s, I guess I’ll go back and look at it from a fresh perspective.

I’m a fan of vanilla. It’s my go-to latte flavor, and while it isn’t my favorite ice cream, I’m not about to turn down a scoop of rich French vanilla with a slice of warm, homemade pie. Vanilla is like the comfort of home. It’s sweet and it goes with a lot of other things.

However, vanilla can get boring. If it’s all you ever get…no strawberries and whip cream, no warm brownie to accompany it…no chocolate or caramel sauce, it’s easy to see why people start getting antsy about adding new flavors or accessorizing…or leaving vanilla behind, altogether.

I like it, but I’m not willing to commit to only vanilla for the rest of my life. For some people this works, but, I’m gonna stick my neck out there and make an assumption that a lot of these people are fooling themselves. Our divorce rates say a lot about failed sex lives and an inability to walk into a Baskin Robbins “31 Flavors” and try something (ANYTHING) new. (They even supply tiny pink spoons for sampling and let you try as many as you want! Which I am a huge fan of, btw.)

So, how did I go about letting go of “just vanilla”? Well…tentatively. My Husband initially brought up the idea of swinging (in 2008) and directed me toward a website where I could join a forum and learn what it was all about. Early on, the whole idea sort of terrified me. I basically thought he was just looking for a “legitimized” way to sleep with other women, but, after weeks of research, I determined that the whole thing seemed pretty female-centered, and we decided to jump in and go to a swingers club. I won’t go into great detail, but the experience was positive (read a few posts on it here and here). We didn’t sleep with anyone (except each other) that first visit, but it gave us a general picture of how the swingers community ran. We went a few more times over the following years, started occasionally going to a monthly meet and greet, and met some great people whom we still call friends. There were lots of things I liked about swinging, and just as many things I didn’t. But, round about mid-2012, we began tiring of the whole scene…for different reasons. For Him, it was a lack of continuance and closeness. He didn’t want to jump from couple to couple, and the casual, disconnected nature of it was unsatisfying. For me, it was that I just wasn’t having much luck with the men. They all either seemed too concerned about their own partners or simply weren’t very good in bed. Multiple disappointments led me to pull back. I no longer wanted to look at profiles on swingers dating sites. This led to a few months of discomfort. My libido took a downward turn as my sexual disappointment exhibited itself outwardly. And His disappointment in losing an outlet for sexual adventure and exploration led to a mood crash.

It was during this time that I brought up D/s. For the life of me, I can’t remember how I did it, other than mentioning how much I liked it when He took over in the bedroom. I think I mentioned that I liked “rougher” sex and felt turned on when He was in control. We began to notice that when He pulled my hair during sex, I instantly came…like gushingly. I even realized that I liked to be choked and requested that He do this during sex. It was a big step for me, because I’m terrible about asking for sexual things. We started discussing a D/s relationship at this time.

But, He was also still looking for an ongoing and close relationship with another couple, or another woman, and while I wasn’t completely against it, I didn’t encourage it. Why? Mainly because my introverted brain was just overwhelmed by the idea of adding in more people who I would have to please, take care of, or entertain. I didn’t feel I had the time or energy to commit to dating another couple on a regular basis. And I was fairly certain I would be too jealous to add a single woman to the mix.

It turned out I was right about that, because not long after we stopped swinging (early 2013), my Husband sought out a single submissive woman. We had discussed the possibility of dominating a woman together…or of him telling me how he wanted me to dominate her. But, really, I wasn’t very interested in doing so. He, however, was very interested in having a woman who was different from me and much more submissive. He found her, and was very interested in me being supportive of the venture…which I tried to be. I started questioning the role of non-monogamy in our culture. And I tried very hard to convince myself that I could handle Him having a girlfriend. But, there was the added complication that He really wanted me to be involved. He wanted her to be “ours.” I contemplated and convinced myself to test the waters. I wrote this post about my feelings on the situation and this post about my visceral reaction to my own jealousy.

Adding a third to our relationship didn’t work…for a number of reasons. I know now that I wasn’t ready for that big of a step, and honestly, I really just felt I needed to work on my own role as a submissive. It was still pretty new to me (in action) at that point, and having my Husband choose a woman who seemed “so much better” at being submissive than me made me feel insecure. My jealousy sprang forward en force and brought the whole thing to a crashing halt. What we thought was good communication turned out not to be, as I was holding back, afraid to upset Him or disappoint Him. That sort of silencing of my own feelings and fears was as destructive to “us” and Him as it was to me. Later, in marriage counseling, the events of this time came up more than once, and it became obvious that it affected us both in many ways that we never discussed at the time.

We continued on with our D/s adventure, but, even with a contract and a collar (both my ideas), it fell apart, mainly because I couldn’t handle the discipline element and I felt overwhelmed by the rules. Several of my other 30 Days of D/s posts deal with this, so I’m not going to go into detail. Suffice it to say, I think we jumped in to the deep end with both feet and just didn’t navigate the waters very well. Treading wore us out and neither of us had water-wings or pool floaties to help us take a break. I know, at the time, he was not only disappointed but resentful, as well. And I harbored strong feelings of guilt, taking on the fault for the slow demise of our D/s relationship (mid-2013).

I didn’t stop being submissive, however. And neither did He stop being dominant. Those are personality traits, not roles. I still wanted it. I wrote stories and poetry with strong D/s themes. I wrote posts about it. Our sex life still had a D/s flavor and some elements stayed with us over the years. But D/s stayed mainly in the bedroom. Unfortunately, with my libido issues and our increasing marital conflict, sex in general just wasn’t happening much for us once August 2015 showed up. I pretty much stopped writing, too. There were moments of hope and happiness, but things weren’t good at home, and D/s was not something either one of us was really thinking about. Instead, the big “D” (divorce) was on the horizon. Depression and counseling and medication and an absolutely crushed libido were the name of the game during this year and a half.

Things got better for us around the beginning of 2017, and I started writing again (yep…there DOES seem to be a very real correlation there), looking for ways to pull myself out of the low-libido trap. But, despite all my promises, we still didn’t manage to make it very far forward, and by the end of 2017, we were back to the precipice of divorce. We separated for a little while and took a big breath.

And somehow, we found our way back to each other.

Now, here we are, half-way through 2019, in a much healthier place, and D/s is knocking on the door again…saying, “You didn’t forget about me, did you? Because I’m not going anywhere.”

Every time we’ve taken steps into a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, it’s been at my behest. And every time, I’ve ended up being the resistant one.

So, what’s different about this time? Well, they do say the third time’s the charm, right? Also, we are at a very different place in our relationship. We’ve gone through hell together and come out the other side. I feel we are stronger and that we have better communication skills than we every have.

And once again, it is me who is asking for it back, and He is rightfully asking questions. That’s really why I’m doing 30 Days of D/s. I’m writing these posts, and He’s reading them, learning what I feel and what I think and what I want from this type of relationship.

He’s being pretty quiet about how He feels and what He thinks, but I imagine that is simply because he likes to have a complete picture before making decisions. We’ve been talking about it, though. And as I’ve been writing these posts, I’ve been letting myself sort of soften into it…letting what naturally occurs between us to just happen. We don’t have any rules, and there is no discipline. But, he is, without question, still Dominant, and I am still submissive to Him…even outside of the bedroom. He’s had to remind me a few times, of my place, over the past few months, but it’s happened so naturally, that rather than resist or feel the need to rebel rise within me, I’ve simply complied. That’s always been one of the missing”submissive” characteristics for me: compliance.

While He has been experiencing some libido issues of His own since the end of 2018, our sex life is improving. My own level of desire is rising, and, thanks to modern medicine and hormone therapy, so is His. It’s almost as if the universe put us on “reset.” And now that we have a fresh opportunity, I want our re-introduction to D/s to be done right…our own way.

So, vanilla isn’t going to disappear from our life. It has it’s place as the foundation of our relationship. We are, first and foremost, best friends. We are also husband and wife and co-parents of an awesome kid. Plus, I have to admit…missionary position is still my favorite position and manages to get me off pretty much every time. However, adding sprinkles, caramel, or a scoop of something gooey and chocolaty from time to time (and increasingly more often) gives us something to look forward to, something to be surprised by, and something to keep the ice cream bowl from getting old and boring.

(Disclaimer: The opinions in these articles are simply that…opinions. These are my personal feelings on issues of D/s. It is important to note that I am and always have been in a consensual relationship, and any activities I partake of, I have done so with full consciousness and willingness. Also, on the issue of pronoun usage, I use HE/she pronouns, with the Dominant being the He and the submissive being the she. This is for ease of writing and because it is what I identify with. Pronouns are interchangeable, so feel free to fill in with those that work best for your situation. Be nice in the comments. I’m not here to be berated or argue the issues, I’m just here to explore my own feelings and opinions and share them with those that may find benefit in doing so.)

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  • Marie Rebelle

    I have been following you for so long that I know what a struggle you have gone through and I sense something totally different in your words now. I love that you are going to try again, and what I love even more is that you are going to do it YOUR way.

    Rebel xox

    • Brigit Delaney

      It’s important that it be OUR way. I’ve learned so much from others’ ways…and I’m sure I will continue to gain understanding and learn from others’ experiences, but D/s is a very personal thing and must be personalized as such.

      xoxo…thanks for being such a long time fan (hugs)

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