I want it when I’ve had it

So, I’m going to take you down a bit of a rabbit hole today. This morning, I read a January 30th post from Marie Rebel titled “Less Sex, Less Drive” that began by referencing a January 3rd post from Girl on the Net titled “What If I Never Have Sex Again?” This is the quote that Marie opens with:

Secondly, I think my sex drive would probably just start to erode. My lust is pretty self-sustaining, in that the more recently I have had sex, the more likely I am to want more sex. As the time passes between shags, whichever part of my brain (or my cunt) is responsible for telling me I’m horny fades into the background. Like a neglected dog, it soon stops barking for my attention when it realises it isn’t going to get it.

It grabbed me, because I felt an instant connection with it. Sooooo….of course I had to go and read GOTN’s full post.

Of course, it was a hypothetical inquiry, based on the question: What if I never had sex again? But it was interesting, and it got me thinking about my own sex and writing situation.

First off…let’s deal with the sex question. If never had sex again? Well, like GOTN, I find that to be a frightening question…in the long run. I can go long periods of time without sex, but that is usually spurred by a day or two without it (for whatever reason), which turns into a week…then two…then three…and suddenly I’m wondering to myself, “When was the last time I had sex? And why haven’t I been having it? And how do I get back into it?”

When I am having sex, and I keep having sex, it motivates me to want more sex…and more…and more.

The key is to keep going, which isn’t always possible. And also, there’s a part of me that fears if I kept going, I mean really kept going, I’d hit a new kind of road block. The breaks might be just what creates the rejuvenated desire. Or maybe the constant sex is what maintains it. I’m not sure really…maybe both are correct.

Anyhow, this is connected to the writing situation, which GOTN also mentions in her post…saying that writing is much the same for her. I can relate. When I’m writing all the time, it’s easy to keep my head in the game…to stay motivated and keep writing. Even though I find myself facing writer’s block on occasion. But if it happens too often or lasts too long…that’s when the whole show falls apart – I stop writing for a day or two…and then a week…and then two…and pretty soon I find myself asking, “When was the last time I wrote something? And why haven’t I been writing? And how do I get back into it?” (See…the whole thing is a lot like sex.)

The problem is multiplied when you’re a sex blogger. When I’m not having sex, I find it more difficult to write about it. It’s not impossible, but I’m definitely more “in the mood” to write about sex when I more “in the mood” to have it. I’m also more likely to write about sex when I’m having it because I have experiences to describe and share.

And the third problem I have to add to the end of this is mental health. I know…blah, blah, depression, blah, blah, blah. But, since both Mr. D and I have our bouts of it, we can easily fall into weeks where we are not interested in sex.

Here’s how the scenario plays out.

Someone makes a move to get back on the sex train and we find ourselves chugging along at a nice clip, enjoying the scenery and fucking on a regular basis. We’re getting back into D/s, finding our place with each other. Life is looking good.

Then, one of us crashes…for no fucking apparent reason (thanks, depression, for being such an unpredictable asshole). So, one of us isn’t in the mood for a few days. If it’s me, he starts to follow me pretty quickly, because without the sex, he starts to feel disconnected from me and all kinds of fears about how long this wave of sex starvation will last send him spiraling down. And his fears are legitimate. Given how often this roller coaster has gone up and down, he knows how the story goes, and he expects the worst.

If it’s him that crashes, I tend to simply find my own things to do, trying hard to keep myself up, not wanting to be influenced by his negative energy. Even still, like living in the same 10 feet with a person who has the flu, it’s nearly impossible to avoid “catching” it.

Once we have both gone down, it can takes weeks to get ourselves back on track. And then it’s a dance of who will “go first.” Who will make the first move to bridge the divide? Because I’ll tell you, even after 12 years of marriage, the first step can still be awkward. When you haven’t had sex in a month…or more…coming on to the other person can be scary…there’s a fear of rejection, at least for me…and a fear of failure – that even if we make it to the bed, things might not work out. He might not be able to get a full erection or cum…I might not be able to get wet enough…it might not feel as good as we’d hoped.

And when it fails…oh fuck…does that complicate matters…especially when we’re down, or just barely coming back up.

So, basically: my sex blogging relies (at least in part) on me having sex; and me having sex depends on the emotional states of both myself and my husband.

Here’s a fun flow chart to help us all visualize it:

That “eventual crash” can be brought on by a million different things or a combination of them, so it’s difficult to avoid it. Yes, there are things that help and things that make it worse, and we’re not always great at living a lifestyle that promotes good mental health.

But that’s another post for another time.

This post is about how my sex drive is a product of my mental health and a continuous practice of actually having sex on a regular basis.

January has been a good month. We had sex six times. And while that might not sound like much to some of you, for us it’s a step in the right direction. After a separation in November and December, some health issues, and a busy holiday season, six times feels just about acceptable.

Would I like it to be more? Sure. And we’re working on it. But the six times we had sex were good. We’re working our way back to each other.

(I pledge my commitment to blog for my mental health. I will write about mental health topics not only for myself but for others. I do this to destigmatize mental illness and to promote mental health awareness & education. I am a sex blogger for mental health.) #sb4mh #bfmh #notalone #SexNotStigma

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