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I found myself pulling into the alley of the local adult store to park in the secluded back lot. This is a small town, and I’m always a little terrified of running into people I know, namely past students, while perusing vibrators and lube. It’s worse than the August nightmares I have of showing up the first day of school having forgotten my clothes.
But, I sucked back my fears, parked next to the lone Geo Metro and entered through the aptly marked “Back Door.” I suppose it’s meant to be witty, but quite honestly, it made me feel more self-conscious than I already had been.
I’m not great in these places. I often know what I want, but I have difficulty with the friendly staff trying to help me find sex toys. I’m a private person, easily embarrassed, and the whole affair of being in an adult story makes me feel self-conscious…like the whole world is watching and judging.
I was on a mission, though.
I went straight to the wall of sex toys, searching for a “prostate” section, which of course this tiny little story did not have. The wall was a mish-mash of toys for all sorts of people and purposes. There was no sense or order. And the gal behind the counter, in all of her expected exuberance, immediately came to my assistance, as I was the only person in the store. She was barefoot, which immediately freaked me out…that sort of laid-back comfort in a sex store was off-putting and simply intensified my awareness of how uncomfortable I was.
In an attempt to get what I needed quickly, however, and get the hell out before someone else showed up, I asked her for what I needed.
“I’m looking for something for a guy…something for prostate stimulation…”
I was surprised by how confident I sounded as I asked. She replied in similar confidence that they really didn’t have anything specifically manufactured for that because they had little demand for it, but that she could order something if I’d like to look through her catalogs. She also assured me that she had a few good suggestions.
Standing in that store any longer than I needed to sounded like torture, so I took her secondary advice and selected a vibrator made for women, but that had a similar curve to the devices made to stimulate the prostate. It was inexpensive, so I figured, even if it didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be a great loss.
I made my purchase and ducked out the back door, grateful to avoid running in to anyone.
When I got home, I began unloading the truck of mail and groceries, and as my husband reached to help me with the bags, including the nondescript brown paper one containing the vibrator, I pulled it to me and announced that it was “for later” and placed it on the bed to keep it away from prying eyes.
When “later” finally came, I had to explain that the item was not for me…that I’d purchased it for him. He took a calculating look at it and basically said he wasn’t all that interested in prostate play…that he’d rather use it on me. But, my look of disappointment pushed the conversation.
It came out that Mr. D is really only interested in anal stimulation (for him) if it is a way of subjugating me (D/s)…because he knows the idea makes me uncomfortable. He makes jokes about me licking his asshole or sticking my tongue inside of him, simply because he knows it freaks me out. And it isn’t a one-way street. It freaks me out when he does it to me, too.
I’m good with anal sex…in fact, it feels good, and even though I don’t necessarily like to talk about it much (we call it “fight club” in our house)…or ask for it…when he chooses to go there, I’m usually pretty up for it. It didn’t used to be that way. I’d only had anal sex one other time before Mr. D, which was in college, and the experience was painful, disappointing, and humiliating. But, Mr. D isn’t an asshole…and he wisely used lube (duh) and took his time with me. Those things tend to make a massive difference with any type of sex…not just anal.
Anyhow…what it came down to was that he wasn’t too keen on my plans for prostate stimulation. However…he did say, “Give me a few days to wrap my head around it, and we’ll see,” which means there is still the possibility in the future.
More than anything, I’m proud of myself for deciding to do something out of the ordinary for us and actually going through with the planning AND the attempted implementation. I initiated and I was creative. So even if we never get around to doing any sort of anal play on him…I’m happy with how the challenge turned out.
And…we ended the night by using the toy on me. So there’s that.