Experience,  Opinion

Exploration leads to experimentation leads to change


It’s seems easy enough at first: put A in B for pleasure or procreation.

But we all know that sex isn’t that simple.

Sex is so much more than A (penis) in B (vagina)…or C (mouth) or D (anal canal)…because, let’s be honest, there’s more than one place A can go, right? And that’s just penetrative sex. What about the other kinds? And what about the mind?

Sex isn’t just about the act of placing a penis in a vagina, moving it around a bit, and then shooting a load of sperm into it to create a child. That’s procreation. Yes, it’s sex…for a specific purpose (it can also be sexy and can be done in a thousand different ways), but isn’t the only kind of sex.

There are a bazillion other reasons and ways to have sex. There is sex just for fun, sex for connection, sex for apologizing, sex for exercise, sex for quelling a hunger, maintenance sex, hate fucking, casual sex, escape sex…the list could go on and on.

And sex doesn’t have to be about putting A in B. The staggeringly varied list of things that can be put in “B” (or “C” or “D”) are pretty much endless. And the positions? Holy fuck! The options are pretty much endless.

Sex also doesn’t need to be between two heterosexual people, as we all well know, even though that is what I mostly write about (since it’s what I know) and what is published and produced most often. The combinations of genders and number of individuals that can be involved is also pretty wide open (MM, MFM, FMF, FF, MFMF…).

And then there’s the mind, which adds a whole new level of depth to sexuality beyond the physical act.

Writing this out, it amazes me that I (or anyone else) could ever become bored with sex. Though count me guilty…been there, done that. Sexual boredom is more about letting oneself fall into a routine, doing things one way for one reason, in one position…. It’s an easy place to find oneself, especially in a long-term relationship, and especially when you know what works.

But then, it isn’t always about “making it work,” right? I mean, the goal isn’t always just to get off. If it were, many of us could just go into a room alone and take care of that in a matter of minutes on a regular basis. Many of us do.

This goes back to the reasons we have sex…and that’s where I think I’ve lost sight of things over the years (or maybe I never had sight of them in the first place). The “sex just for fun” and “sex for connection” just haven’t been my focus. As a goal-oriented person, I’ve always been in it for the finish…I come or you come or what was the point of showing up, right? Wrong. And I know that now. The problem is, just knowing it isn’t enough. I have to live it. And actually accept it.

I know this is a bit of a rambling post, but I’m writing myself into a decision, not just an understanding.

This year I started The Erotic Journal Challenge as a way to get to the bottom of things…to really understand my own sexuality in an attempt to improve it, not only for me, but for my relationship. It’s about exploring myself, but also exploring how I fit with another person, and how that other person (Mr. D) fits with me…how we work as a successfully sexual “us.” It’s about exploring the ins and outs of sex (I just could not help that)…the physical, the emotional, the mental.

Something I’ve noticed about my sexuality, and I mentioned above, is that there isn’t a lot of variety involved, so I can totally see how Mr. D has gotten bored. Our sex life has become pedestrian, expected, routine.

So how does one go about changing that?

Well, it starts with exploration. One thing that can help me make a mental shift toward exploring the new and different is to write about it. I need to challenge myself to write stories involving alternate groupings of people and various types of sex for different reasons. It’s almost like creating one of those rubix cube dolls…the ones where you can change the top and the middle and the bottom to create new “characters.” I’ll have to choose my character groupings (MM, FF, MFM…etc.), and then my physical connection (A to B, A to C, C to B…etc.), and then my reason for sex…maybe the setting. In fact, I’m thinking of making colored cards and then drawing one from each stack to create a story that is completely unexpected (at least for me).

The majority of my “exploration” happens right here on this blog. When it leaves the blog, it becomes experimentation. And I can see how writing scenes that are not usual for me could lead to conversations in my own bedroom. I mean, a lot of what I write is just fantasy…things I would never do…but all fantasy has an element of truth in it. And talking about those truths is also a type of exploration that can lead to new experiments. And experiments can lead to change.

So…bring on the exploration!

(Seriously…I’m making those color-coded cards this weekend! Let’s see what kind of wild stories I can come up with using that strategy!)

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