I haven’t been writing a lot lately (obviously). But, then…I haven’t really been myself. And to escape, I’ve been reading much more. As you can see from the shift on my site, I’ve been hiding behind my books, diving in between the pages, letting them slide over my fingers and give me solace. Because that’s what I do when I can’t handle reality.
No one’s reality is perfect, but there are times when our realities are less that we can take. Right now, I feel as if the earth has been pulled out from under me, and I’m falling…falling…falling. In the cold. In the dark.
But, I am trying to follow some good advice I received recently. I am trying to soften into it. I’m not simply letting go. And I’m trying not to fight it, because that usually makes matters worse. Softening into it means letting myself succumb to what is good within the difficult, to find the places where growth is possible.
Lately, that has been difficult…but I’m trying. Last night, my emotions built up within me, and this morning, they raged. I felt lost, and to find a foothold, I cleaned, rather angrily. I did what I could to find a modicum of control in my life. And then I went to yoga, and was reminded that there are always places to soften…to accept…to feel safe, even when it is painful and you think you can’t hold on one minute longer.
And it’s okay, I believe, to hide within the pages of a book. Even a simple one like Nora Roberts’s Year One. I’ve always been partial to dystopian science fiction. Something about it gives me hope, oddly enough. From the ashes, life can and does spring eternal.
When I cannot find my own words to speak, I think sometimes it is because I need to listen and read and take in thousands of words from others, blend their thoughts and advice and warnings, to create sense for myself.
So, pardon me if I am silent or off-topic or unsexy for awhile. My world is falling apart. I’ll find my voice again. For now, I am silencing my fight or flight instinct, settling in to wait out the storm.
I was in a similar place at this time last year. And I’ve been in a painfully similar place several times before that. What do they say? The definition if insanity to doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Well, I am clearly insane. But there is a cure: doing something different and expecting healing, change, and growth.