It’s been awhile since I wrote about my marriage…mostly because things have simply been. No major ups or downs…nothing bad, but nothing to write home about. Until last night.
I’m embarrassed to admit, I asked Mr. D if I could watch Fifty Shades of Grey: Freed. (I tried reading the books, but made it a few dozen pages in and just couldn’t handle the poor writing…but the movies have been a guilty pleasure.) He settled in to do what he normally does (surf the internet) when I want to watch something he has no interest in, and about 15 minutes into the film I stopped it. I don’t know why I got so upset…maybe because it felt foolish to request it…but I (very emotionally) asked him if he would just watch it with me, rather than ignore it (and therefore me).
In some way, I think I was subconsciously hoping to use it as a subtle pathway back into a discussion about re-visiting a purposeful D/s dynamic in our life. Even if it meant simply making fun of the rather twisted version of D/s the previous films presented. Or even if it just served as a superficial turn-on.
We had a lengthy discussion about why I find it so difficult to ask him for things, there were some silly tears, and then we watched the film.
It was, to say the least, disappointing. Where the first two had enough steamy, sexy scenes to count as satisyingly soft porn and to make up for the discrepancies between the author’s version of D/s and the D/s community’s version of D/s, this one had very little. This meant there was plenty of time to focus on the less than stellar acting and the paltry story line.
However, it did what I had subconsciously hoped it would do — it brought our own D/s conundrum to the table.
I understand his fears: that I will stop wanting it or won’t want it consistently (which will leave him confused and frustrated again), or that I’ll reject his ideas (and thereby him), and that it will all fall apart again because of that.They are legitimate fears, because they are based in past events. I have not been consistent in my desires. I have not been forthcoming when it comes to my fantasies or sexual needs and wants. And I have rejected some of his ideas.
But the last time we discussed a slow return to D/s (in some fashion), he stated that he would be open to trying again and to “starting over,” insofar that it is possible given our past and the baggage that we bring with us because of it.
I’m not expecting perfection. And I suppose one could ask (in fact, he has) what it is I seek from a D/s relationship that I don’t get from a regular relationship.
So, I’ll try to explain. When he takes on the big “D” persona, he is confident and commanding. These are sexy attributes to me, and they turn me on. I also appreciate being told what to do and to be provided clear guidelines about what is expected of me. It is a safe, mentally and emotionally restful head space.
It is true that sometimes I’m not interested and really just wish to be left alone (which is bound to happen in every relationship), but I understand that D/s is not all about sex. In fact, while I find it mainly sexually charged, sex need not be involved at all. It’s about power and control and challenge. Learning to appease him, even when I am no in the mood is actually an exercise in controlling my own libido and my reactions to things I do not particularly like. When he tells me to do something that makes me uncomfortable or that stretches my limits, it is both to please him and to learn to breathe through discomfort and to question my fears and insecurities. D/s is about growth, and I appreciate the ways it encourages us both to learn to read and respond to one another in deeper ways.
Last night, when we went to bed, he wrapped his hand around my neck, and he rethought asking me to do anything. He told me. And from his place of natural power, he rose above me and took me, eliciting Yes, Daddy‘s from me, rewarding me with good girl‘s in response to my willingness. He fucked my ass…he made me ride him that way.
It felt good to make him come…and to let go just a little bit more. And at nearly 1 o’clock in the morning, I curled against him, exhausted and hopeful.
I have a long way to go toward being a “good” submissive. Certain aspects come to me so naturally, and yet others elude me. But, every relationship is a journey. My goal is to learn to please him more naturally…to put pleasing him first…to be willing…to breathe into the hard parts…soften into the difficulties…and open myself where I am closed.