What am I willing to give?

After I posted The Yoga Sutra and D/s, I knew there was going to be a conversation. There had to be. Because it was a large reason for the post. Mr. D had asked me what I was looking for…what I needed. And I was having a hard time articulating what it was.

I let my mind go, and that post came out. But the ideas were still complicated in my mind and certainly not clear enough to just say, here you go, honey…this is what I need from you…or this is what I want to do for you.Things were still (are still) a bit fuzzy or general for me. I know I am unequivocally submissive and that I (and my life) seem to work better with someone at the helm. I also know that Mr. D is at his best when in a Dominant role. He is more confident and at ease. It does something good to both of us.

But beyond that, it is really hard for me to say exactly what I want my D/s life to look like. I knew that before I wrote the post. And I knew that Mr. D would, understandably have some questions.

It a bit of a row Friday night. The conversation started with us just discussing what D/s could or should be for us now, even though (or because) we’ve gone down that road a few times before and “failed.” We started out okay, but then the conversation turned to deeper more painful issues. We got off topic and things just fell apart from there. The wine didn’t help. It may loosen lips, but it doesn’t make us very patient or rational. I ended up going to bed in tears, and nothing was solved or answered.

I woke up feeling beaten down, on the verge of a depressive episode. But Mr. D fucked it right out of me and we reconvened with cooler heads, finding our way back to the conversation in a more logical way.

The questions we have left ourselves with are these:

Me – What am I willing to give?

Him – What am I willing to offer?

These are good questions, because the get at a core lack in our relationship, beyond D/s. Over the years, as we have sort of drifted and fallen apart, it’s mainly been over the issues of sex and romance. He wants more sex. I want more romance. How cliché can we be, really? I don’t initiate sex enough or show him that I want him enough. And he doesn’t romance me enough. And we end up in two corners of a boxing ring, glaring at each other like toddlers with our arms crossed…If you showed me you wanted me more, I might be inclined to romance you more…and…If you romanced me more, I might be inclined to show you I wanted you more…

Of course, it isn’t done quite this consciously, but this it ultimately what is under the surface of much of what has gone wrong with our marriage.

Also during the course of our more cool headed conversation, I realized that I was thinking of D/s in rather selfish terms…what would get out of it, rather than what I was going to do for him. The service aspect was sort of lacking in my mind.

So this is my question of the week…What am I willing to give? What aspects of D/s am I interested in exploring most? After all, we are designing it from the ground up. We can take what works and leave what doesn’t. And it isn’t just about me…obviously he is going to have to explore that question, too, and we are going to have to blend our needs and desires together to create something that works for us both.

These questions are expansive, as well. Just because I come up with something of an answer now, doesn’t mean it won’t change or evolve into something different as we continue to explore. As we full well know, boundaries shift and desires branch out when we begin journeying into new territory (or even old territory that has grown over from disuse). We are headed into the back country here, with each other as guides. But I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else…even if we get lost, I can’t imagine having someone other than him at my side.

I feel better prepared for this journey than I have in the past, in large part because of the mistakes we’ve made. I feel emotionally and mentally and spiritually stronger now that I did back then. Hopefully, this strength will serve me well.

I also appreciate that my husband is not the type to head off into the woods without some sort of a plan. We aren’t anal about planning. We understand there has to be flexibility. But preparation is a must for both of us. Spontaneity can be fun, but considering our past (especially in this realm), neither of us wants to wander off the trail too far at first. We’re sticking to campsites and well-marked entrances. And this whole thing starts with mapping out the first leg of our hike.

I don’t need to the know the ultimate destination. I’m not sure that is even possible. Besides, I’m not sure there really is a destination to be found in this regard. The thing is, however, “…knowing how way leads on to way…I [doubt] that I [shall] ever come back” (Frost, “The Road Not Taken“).



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