Evolution isn’t born of nothing. Things change gradually over time, and if one is willing to delve through the history, it is usually easy to find evidence of how and why things have become the way they currently are.
I decided to go on a hunt through the archives of my first blog. I moved all the content to a free WordPress account awhile back, just to keep it safe when the Blogger account was at stake. So even though the formatting is a bit off, and the look of the site is less than appealing, the content is as it was from the beginning.
So, let’s take a little walk down memory lane for the sake of research, shall we?
Years ago, when Mr. D and I were at least a little active in the swinging lifestyle (once per month, I’d say), we wandered into the realm of D/s. I don’t think it was unintentionally, but it wasn’t done with any great amount of consciousness or planning (on my part, anyway…I can’t really speak for him).
Read the first D/s related post I ever wrote HERE.
This post shows that the ingredients were there from the beginning, they just weren’t fleshed out by either of us.
I wrote about it in bits and pieces, here and there over the years that followed, but it didn’t really stick as anything other than occasional role-play. I obviously had difficulty giving up control…to anyone.
And then this post happened.
Now, obviously, my posts don’t really just happen. Several moments and conversations and personal revelations lead up to them, so by the time you are reading something about a change in my life, days or weeks and a few sleepless nights have created the content.
This second post is followed by one that introduces my first rules – 1. sleep naked (which I still do to this day – for him) and 2. when the kid is away, dress in a way that gives him full access to my body at all times (i.e. no underwear or bra, loose clothing…a skirt or dress). As you can see, it started simply…but it grows quickly: “Collared.”
Quite honestly, I think I was just obsessed with the idea of having a symbol of my yearnings and my new identity as a submissive (because, let’s be honest…there IS a difference between being submissive and being A submissive). I’m positive, now…looking back, that I was not prepared for this new role, but I sure thought I was.
Here’s a few more:
And then an interesting look back at my younger years, when my submission was already rearing its head: Closer.
We then got caught up in some craziness that got way more complicated than it needed to be, because we weren’t quite ready for what we were doing (or, at least, I wasn’t):
And a poem…Presenting
There are a few more, but they pretty much fizzle out from there, and then I just stopped writing altogether.
So what went wrong? Well, I haven’t completely figure that out yet. I could say we went too far too fast without really knowing what we were doing or what we both wanted. We likely didn’t communicate well enough. I got jealous.
Really, there a dozen reasons and then some.
Somewhere along the way, I must have lost (or deleted) some posts, because I can’t seem to find them. We later attempted a contract (at my behest), because I wanted to try something more intentional and ritualistic. It came with such additions as an allowance, the requirement that I shave, and that I organize a “date with another couple” once per month. But the contract fell by the wayside because I could not contend with the restriction of it all. I felt hedged in rather than freed, which is what the core of D/s does for me, at its best.
Two failed attempts, and now, maybe it is more understandable why it was so difficult for me to ask him for this again. Maybe it explains his apprehension. And maybe it explains my tentativeness.
We are flawed beings, after all, on a journey to find peace within ourselves and together. Travelling isn’t always easy, even when we plan…because we cannot plan for every outcome or prepare for every upset.
With age comes wisdom and experience and acceptance. I am hoping these qualities will aid us as we delve into a third attempt at finding a future that works for us both.
P.S. I also read a couple of great books at this time…just in case you are interested…