Chatting, Cheating, and Catharsis

The other night, I sat on the couch watching TV next to my husband. A person (who shall not be named) invited me to chat on Twitter. I succumbed. I wasn’t terribly invested, but he drew me in because we had earlier connected on the concept that marriage can be difficult, especially when one partner’s libido is much stronger than the other’s.

I was also intoxicated…so there’s that.

Anyhow, as we were new to chatting with each other, there was some friendly “getting to know you” banter that occurred, and then it became sexual. The exact contents of conversation are not all that important, but what is important is that once the conversation went from being about sex, in general, to being about sexual acts involving us (even behind a cyber wall), I began to get nervous.

It started with the age-old “what are you wearing?” line to what he’d do with those “plain old cotton panties” I was wearing under my sweats. (In case you were wondering, he said he’d pull them off with his teeth.)

I told him that I liked direct men…and then asked if he was involved in D/S? Somehow, my responses became an invitation to lead, and he jumped right one the thinly veiled request.

His comments changed to fit the need; he began explaining how he’d “spank my ass until my pussy was dripping” and several other such deeds.

He ordered me to go to the bathroom and “rub it” for him. Which I did. He asked for a picture. Which I sent.

He told me to get off for him that night. I called him Sir. I asked for direction. He said he could give it.

And then when it was over, I fell apart.

On the couch, next to my husband, I melted into tears. I felt like a dirty adulteress, and worse, I felt like I had betrayed him by allowing…no urging…someone to take his rightful place as Dominant in my life.

Mr. D and I put our D/s experiments on the shelf some time ago, but this chat session brought something out from my core.

It started when my brain contrived the original story idea for The Wife Coach. Obviously the story grew from some subconscious need I was feeling. To have someone swoop in and just tell me what to do to fix my sex life would be so temptingly wonderful (obvious pitfalls notwithstanding). Better yet, as I continued the story, what if someone simply told me what to do…period.

Oh, but wait. We’ve been her before. And it didn’t work.

However, that doesn’t stop the need.

As I sat there tearfully explaining how the chatting made me feel guilty, my husband asked me why. It wasn’t so much the sexting…it was the emotional control that I handed over. But I learned something about myself between 9:46 and 11:17 last Friday night. I learned that I crave leadership in a way that is visceral, and that when I am called a pet name that invokes my submissiveness, I melt…I crumble…and I let go.

Mr. D and continued to talk about it for some time that night. He explained that he’d chatted several times with women over the years (which surprised me a little, but didn’t anger me). And he didn’t seem to be as concerned about my chatting as I was. In fact, he seemed pleased that I’d enjoyed myself and wanted me to explore what I liked about it. He asked me to consider my needs and desires deeply, as re-gifting him control is so fraught with our past failures that it’s hard for either of us to seriously consider going back. And yet, it’s also seriously hard not to.

That chat session proved to me that my inner submissive is clawing to get out. She is trapped behind apprehension and confusion. But she’s there…no doubt.

And Mr. D, like a good and natural Dom, is reticent to put that inner submissive up to a task she is not yet ready to undertake, lest we both get hurt.

He held me that night. He did not fuck me.

And here I am now trying to figure out how best to submit, when really, the best place to start is simply on my knees.

I do not feel a sudden need for rules and contracts and punishments. But, I do feel a need for the emotional connection that comes from a solid D/s foundation.

Much like a seed planted in fertile soil, the flower that grows will be what we make it…little by little…day by day.

I may not know now what I want our D/s to be…but I do know that my entire being needs to hear that I am his good girl. I need to feel his hands gripping my hair at the base of my neck. I need to hear him tell me to come for him. I also need the man he becomes when he does those things. He finds himself in his Dominance, just as I find myself in my submission.

Somehow, at our essence, we work. But when I let my head get in the way…when I overthink it…I rebel against it.

The only thing to do right now, really, is to let go. Funny how a simple chat session, a guilty conscience, and a cathartic conversation can drop at m feet the keys to a door I figured was closed forever.

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  • Sage

    Thank you for sharing such honesty about your feelings. I can relate in so many ways and it makes me feel that i am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I’m not broken, maybe just wanting to fill a piece of me so I can feel complete? With purpose? Or perhaps just confident in myself while acknowledging those needs are true and not part of my imagination.
    All the best!

    • Brigit Delaney

      I’ve thought so many times that I must be broken. But, really I think none of us are. We are just pieces searching for other pieces, and together we become new things. I wouldn’t say, “whole,” because we can be whole on our own. We don’t need others to “complete” us. But others can bring out of us the things we need most to feel and know. Whatever we truly need is within us, if we are willing to see it and embrace it. But that can be hard, especially when those needs are not socially acceptable. I’m glad this makes you feel you are not alone in your thoughts. I know for certain that you are not. And I thank you for following my story.
      xoxo, Brigit

  • Marie Rebelle

    When I started reading and saw you were sexting with someone else, I thought you might be jeopardizing things with your husband and I think what I like the most of this piece is that you spoke to him about it, that you discussed it with him and that you are quite in touch with your own feelings regarding submission to your husband and his dominance over you. Having an open and honest conversation is worth so much!
    Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Rebel xox

    • Brigit Delaney

      It felt like a slimy thing to do…especially sitting right there on the couch next to him. The crazy thing is, he admitted to having chatted and sexted several times with women over the years, when things were down for us. But his view of “cheating” is so much different than mine. He doesn’t mind that I was chatting. He minds that I was giving over control to someone. And that, too, is what I was most uncomfortable with, and what brought on the guilt and eventual breakdown. I’m obviously not one to cheat. My loyalty is much too high, and I do not have the capability of lying. I’m okay with that. And I’m actually really glad the whole thing happened, as it serves as a gateway to a very important conversation…and possibly some much needed change.

  • Indie

    Thanks for writing this Brigit. I was especially and additionally taken by the reply you wrote to Sage: “We are just pieces searching for other pieces, and together we become new things. I wouldn’t say, “whole,” because we can be whole on our own. We don’t need others to “complete” us. But others can bring out of us the things we need most to feel and know.”
    I’m going through a scarey process of becoming a “new thing” just now. It’s not a vanilla relationship and its not a typical D/s one – as I understand them to be. It’s dripping with sex yet it’s not a sexual relationship, and I’ll say no more about it because thanks to you I’ve just found what I will write about this week…
    But I’m glad your experience enabled you to talk to your husband about your feelings, and he to you – I wish you all the very best.
    Indie xx

    • Brigit Delaney

      Oh! I’m so glad my post inspired you to write something of your own! I love it when that happens to me and I gain some little wisp of the muse while perusing the work of others. It’s actually my solution to writers’ block every time. Read. I’m excited to read about your new developments. xoxo, Brigit

  • @F4TFriday

    Thank you for sharing and welcome to #F4TFriday. This was clearly a very personal and testing experience for you. Sometimes, as your story illustrates, it is better to seek “forgiveness” than “permission” and overt-thinking can be an occupational hazard. I’m glad he was so understanding and that you hopefully you can find a satisfying D/s dynamic that works for you both.

  • nero

    When I read that bit about you ‘chatting’ with someone on Twitter I thought “that could have been me”. They say water finds it’s own level, and I’m experiencing similar issues as you. My wife and I aren’t sexually intimate anymore and that’s led me to be more sexual online. People will always find an outlet to get what they need, and for you (as badly as you felt afterwards) that guy was just an outlet for you to feed that need/desire in you. You’ve discussed it with Mr D, so don’t beat yourself up about it anymore.

    • Brigit Delaney

      My husband isn’t a jealous man. He doesn’t mind me chatting or even having sex with other men. I’m the jealous one…which is so backasswards. I have all this freedom and don’t really want it, while he has none and actually needs it. I think my chatting and “getting myself in trouble” opens up some dialogue, though. It means I may want more freedom than I think I do. And when I have it, I am much more apt to give it. Maybe that makes me a spoiled brat, but hey…I’m evolving.

      I’m sorry that you and your wife are not sexually active. I love reading your blog…and Friskyinthe916 for just that reason. I learn a lot from you guys, about what my behavior does to my husband and what my husband would appreciate from me. Reading what you write about your desires and internal struggles hits a nerve with me, and it actually encourages me to change my own behavior toward my husband.

      I’m not beating myself up, either. I did that night, but it was so beautifully healing that I’m glad the whole thing happened the way it did. I know I sort of upset the person I was chatting with, by making this so public. But, I feel the whole thing was necessary.

  • Molly

    I am really glad that you have made this discovery. I think knowing something like this, discovering the basics of what you desire, is a very powerful step in the direction of creating something with your partner that works for you both


    • Brigit Delaney

      We’ve been here before…but the rediscovery always unearths more than was apparent before. I’m hoping I get it more “right” than I have in the past.

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