As I straddled him, having just unleashed a wet torrent of release on his balls, I sighed and let my head loll forward, my hair in my face and my vaginal walls still pulsing and contracting around his hard cock.
“You need to let go like that more often,” he growled softly.
Quietly, resigned, I replied, “I know,” and closed my eyes to avoid owning up to the admission.
It’s been a long time since we fucked like that, though I’ll happily admit that we’ve been slowly working our way back up to this. We had sex 4 times in January, and I didn’t initiate once. In February, we had sex 4 times – I initiated once by enticing him with a blow job (not in my recent repertoire). We also had one failed attempt at trying something new, which sent both of us to our respective corners to lick our minor wounds.
It doesn’t take much to bring us together. After all, there is love, and there is still desire. There is history that divides us, and there is history that binds us. These days, our sex can be slow and unworthy of mention. But, it can also be intense and cathartic, somehow cracking me open and bending me in ways that leave me torn and primed for strengthening.
Last night was one of those times.
He was right about letting go. It’s been an ever-present theme for me this year in nearly all facets of my life.
He was also right when he said I need to trust him as he leads. I don’t remember his exact phraseology, but our pillow talk revolved around my need for him to lead…and how his words, during sex, take me out of myself, guiding me.
Cum for me…fuck me…
I remember when you lubed up your asshole and slid down onto me, balls-deep, and rode me until you came…and said, “I love it when you fuck my ass, Daddy.” You haven’t done something like that for a long time.
When it comes to sex, or really anything, I am almost always looking to him for direction. He takes me out of myself. He makes me feel safe.
I guess that is why, when we are not “working,” I sort of fall apart. It’s not what I would call co-dependence. It’s more like missing a vital piece to a puzzle…or the directions to a game you once played often but now can’t quite remember.
Last night, he smiled. And our sex was easy and fun. It was not colored by all the negative feelings that have piled up over the years. It was what we are at our core, together, everything else peeled away. Simple.
This morning, the smell of our sex is still in my hair, and his skin is beneath my finger nails. I’m about to shower and rinse it all away…almost…
…but not quite.