One will only read so many bad chapters before they give up on the book. Some of us hold on longer than others. Mr. D and I are tenacious (maybe even stupidly so) in this regard, both to our detriment and our credit.
I think it would be easy, from the outside, to assume we should just cut our losses and get the hell out. But, then, it’s always easy to judge someone’s relationship from the outside. Mr. D and I have been married over 11 years now. We have a child…a home…pets…and a history. We also love each other deeply.
I know, also, that we can love each other deeply and still not be right for each other. But, I honestly still believe that we are. Maybe foolishly. But, I cannot seem to let go of the hope that we will figure things out.
Last night, Mr. D and I went to a friend’s birthday party and tried very hard to interact like civil adults.
But then wine happened.
As I am wont to do in uncomfortable social situations, I kept quiet and mostly to myself. I know it likely makes me look like a frigid bitch, and I’m sure it didn’t help that my smile was virtually non-existent, as I quite often fought to hold back tears.
I had promised myself (and Mr. D) that I would hold my shit together for the evening. And while I am fairly certain that I didn’t ruin anyone’s evening accept my own (and possibly his), I still wallowed my way through the night, drinking too many glasses of wine and avoiding serious conversation with my significant other.
What I can tell you is this…we are in a place right now that is precarious. And virtually all of the cards are in his hands. He says he doesn’t trust me and that he feels betrayed because he has been asking me for years to fulfill his deepest needs…to no consistent avail. He feels that he has never been at the top of my priority list…that everything always seems to come before him. I can’t really argue with him, because in a lot of ways he’s right.
So where does that leave us? Until he decides to let me try to become the wife and lover he so desperately wants and needs, there really isn’t much I can do but wait. And if he decides not to (which is a distinct possibility)?
Well…let’s allow that to be today’s challenge shall we? To not let the fear of losing my marriage define my every waking moment, but also to continue showing him that I am waiting for him…and hoping that his decision will be one that allows me to keep trying to win him back.
I love my husband dearly. And while I have not been a terrible wife, I have been a failure as a lover. which is role he needs me to play more than pretty much anything else. All I can do right now is wait…and keep my fear in check.