“Your kink is not my kink, but that’s okay”… (Wicked Wednesday Prompt)
There isn’t a person on the planet who is wired the same way. Not even twins. We have our own thoughts, our own needs, our own fantasies. The things that turn us on, sometimes surprise even us (I know, I’ve been there…like – “what the hell? he’s got his hand around my neck, holding me down, and…wait! he’s sort of choking me here! oh, holy hell…I like that…why the fuck do I like that? this is twisted…”). So, we know the internal sex lives of some other people could quite possibly shock the hell out of us (or not, depending on your experience level and your own kinky interests).
Personally, I have no problem with anyone’s kink. Even the more hard core kink is fine, as long as everyone involved is of age and consenting. And quite honestly, no one should be made to feel “unacceptable” or ” weird” because they have “off-the-beaten-path” sexual desires (though it goes the other way, too. I’ve read plenty of blog posts condemning “vanilla sex” as being boring or “unevolved”…even “unnatural”).
But, where the whole YKINMK becomes possibly NOK (not okay) is when we’re talking about a committed couple. What happens when his kinks don’t match hers and one person in the relationship isn’t willing to fulfill the other’s kinky needs? Oh, sure, it’s easy to say we should be honest with each other up front before a commitment, but I don’t know too many people who divulge their entire kinky self before marriage. It can take years to admit one’s desires, especially if the person feels those desires might be “strange” or “off-putting”. Not to mention that many of us develop as sexual beings over time and our desires and sexual interests change. That, of course, complicates things further in a long-term relationship.
From experience, I know it’s hard to go back once you’ve headed down any particular path, especially if you head down that path with someone and they like something you don’t (been there, done that, too). It’s not easy to say to the one you love, “Hey, I realize you really like , but I’ve tried it and it isn’t my bag.” Your loved one’s disappointment might be palpable. And it will certainly hang around in your own head for some time (“I wonder if he’ll be happy without ?” or “Will she be satisfied now that she knows what she’ll be missing?” “Is it fair for me to keep him/her from accessing this particular type of kink?”).
Kink is one thing, but shared kink is fully another beast. Since all people change over time, it is almost unavoidable that at some point two people are NOT going to want the same thing. A couple has a few choices at this point…accept one path and follow it (without judgement or disappointment – which can be difficult and/or impossible depending on the people involved), allow both people to follow their own path separately but continue the relationship (difficult even in the most “open” relationships), agree to compromise somehow (also not necessarily easy), or ignore it and let the resentment take over.
It’s easy to say YKINMKBTOK…unless you’re married or committed. Because while his kink might not be my kink…I cannot disregard it, ignore it, belittle it, or force myself to share it. Somehow, I have to learn how to cohabitate (is that a word?) with it, knowing that it lives within him and wants to come out to play on occasion.
Likewise, I have to admit MKIMKATOK (my kink is my kink and that’s okay). I think my husband is kinkier than me…actually, I know that for a fact. Mostly, he’s more sexual than I am (I think I may well be more “sensual”). He’s more open sexually…more accepting of his own kinks and others’, as well. Oddly enough, since I’m the one who writes about it, he’s just plain more into sex than I am. He looks at porn. He thinks about and talks about and wants sex more often than I do. At one point, before children, we were matched pretty well in that. After kids, our desire levels and sexual interests began to head off in different directions. Basically, my sexual path became a grown- over foot trail that required a native tracker and a machete to navigate. So, I turned around and followed him down his wide-open highway of a path. It wasn’t my path, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the road-trip. Unfortunately, at some point, we pulled onto the Audubon and I couldn’t handle the speed (getting off that SOB isn’t easy, btw). He found the speed exhilarating. I found it terrifying…and still have PTSD. He wistfully reminisces about how much fun it could have been, though he’ll accept the quiet country roads that I prefer, with the occasional “mudding” stint to liven things up.
It’s a hard road to travel, when two people are in the vehicle and want completely different scenery. But there’s always a compromise…when “your kink” meets “my kink (or lack thereof)” and becomes “our particular brand of what works…for the most part”. I guess that’s what a partnership is all about, right?