First, and foremost…I apologize if this is a bit of a rambling post. I’ve written it freestyle so it’s pretty stream-of-consciousness. Bear with me. Also, I plan to explore the 10 things I like about swinging in a later post. So, no worries. There are pros and cons to every issue, right?
1) It doesn’t come naturally, sexually speaking.
I’m hard to please. I can admit that. I’m also hard to get off…for anyone but my husband – who seems to have the magic orgasm wand when it comes to my pussy. It’s no wonder, then, that I HAD to have him, keep him, and make him my own – when he could do it right from the start. The light shone down from the heavens and a miracle occurred. I could finally come (by someone’s doing other than my own – I’ve always been an expert, thank the gods)…and quite easily, it turned out.
But, when we started trying things out with other couples? No dice. At first, I thought it was just that I was nervous. Maybe I felt like I was performing…since Daddy was watching? Whatever the case – it didn’t happen. It happened once or twice – possibly on accident – and mainly because I had my mind wrapped around it, willing it to happen with every ounce of my desire. Oh wait…no – it was because it was with friends, and we’d been with them a time or two, and I was more comfortable and knew a bit more of what to expect.
Since sex is a very “mental” experience for me (yes, it’s almost all in my head), I have to really be in the moment. That’s hard to do when there are more than two bodies (unless they are just the right ones at the right time – you know…planets aligning and all that) in a room…for me, anyway.
2) Sparks don’t always fly from every direction.
The thing about swinging is…it’s hard for two people to find another two people equally desirable. I might like the man…or the woman…or both – but then Daddy won’t like them. Or he’ll like the woman, and I’ll like the man…but I won’t like the woman. There are several possibilities, but the likelihood of both of us liking both of them, and vice versa, is rare.
And we have this thing about “not taking one for the team”. Unfortunately – I think both of us have at some point or another. I know I’m the pickier one of the two of us – but that has a lot to do with the fact that I swing both ways…and once people know that, there’s this expectation that I play on both teams – even if I only find one team desirable. I have a hard time hurting people’s feelings, and I know I should be more upfront about things and less shy about telling a couple – “Hey, I think your male half is hot, but I just don’t have a thing for the wife.” Daddy just has to find the female half hot…and well – he’s a man. He likes pussy. All types. He likes a wide range of figures and looks, whereas I really do have a “type”. It’s all stupidly complicated.
Really, I hated it when I was a teenager. I hated it in college. I hated it as an adult. The whole prospect of getting all dolled up and going out with someone I hardly know, not knowing what to expect is horrifying to me. I’m shy and a bit socially awkward. I have a hard time coming up with things to talk about. And quite honestly, don’t like people in general. There, I said it. In fact, I’ve said it before.
So, now, I’m comfortably married. And I have to date again? WTF? The whole prospect of looking on SLS or AFF is distasteful to me. It’s like glancing through a menu and quickly dismissing or accepting people based on a few photos and some well or poorly chosen description when I could be reading a novel or writing a story or cleaning the kitchen. I’m okay with using abstracts to chose articles for research, but using them to find people to hang out with seems ludicrous.
Obviously, I understand that this is the name of the game. This is the only way it happens for us…as I’m not about to walk up to someone in a local pub and say – “Would you two like to get it on?” And I’m not about to try it with friends again. That was a disaster.
Daddy wants this to be one of my “step-out-of-your-box-and-do-something-that-makes-you-uncomfortable” tasks. So, I suppose I’ll be doing it. He’s always the one to do the contacting and the setting up. I just don’t find it is intriguing as he does. He can spend hours on SLS. He’s on it pretty much every day…just wandering through the pictures and perusing the profiles, looking for possibilities. Which is proof it’s on his mind a lot more than it is on mine.
I do a lot of sex writing. And I read a lot of books and blogs about it. So, I think about sex a lot. I just don’t like visiting porn sites or adult hook-up sites. Meh.
4) Dealing with disappointment.
So, I’ve had a handful of experiences turn out well. Even if I didn’t get off, at least I had fun…and I met some people I could hang out with and not hold back when I got a little tipsy…and handsy.
But, the majority of experiences have just not been great. They’ve been more anxiety-producing than encouraging…and let’s face it, after a few bad experiences, it’s hard to get psyched up to go back out there and do it again. The metaphor I used with Daddy the other night is that it’s like being a football team that hasn’t won a game all season, and now, somehow, they’re supposed to get all excited about what will probably end up being another loss. Defeat eventually leads to a defeatist outlook…to which I can be irritatingly prone.
Not too long ago, I had a great time at a party. It was a redeeming moment for the swing lifestyle for me. But, it also sort of solidified my take on things needing to be “organic”. Let me explain.
5) The “synthetic” nature of the game.
What I mean is…it feels staged – planned…”man-made”. And oftentimes it is, by necessity.
We live in a small town…and, by my preference, I try to avoid playing here (though Daddy seems to like it since it is more convenient and because we can extend our relationship to friendship more easily – and since our schedules are crazy, it makes meeting up a lot easier…and cheaper as there is less travel involved).
I don’t do well under pressure – and even though I’m not a very spontaneous person – I can’t “create” desire. And when I feel like I’m being put on display, or something is expected of me, I just can’t seem to “get it up.” So I drink more wine and hope for the best. Not the most positive route…but sometimes it gets me there.
Like I said earlier, I don’t like set-ups. But, I’m also shy. So, yes – meeting people and having it “just happen” organically is really a hopeful shot in the dark. But, that’s the way I prefer it. Daddy isn’t patient enough for that – seeing as how it would only happen once in a blue moon. He wants it more often – hence…online “dating” sites.
But, honestly, I hate them…and I hate faking my interest and desire to meet up and have an awkward “first date” with another couple. It isn’t exciting. It’s nerve-wracking and uncomfortable beyond measure.
And it’s even worse if we have to travel any great distance for the “date”. I know I shouldn’t feel like I have to do anything – but it feels like sort of a tease to do all this set up…the emails…the flirting via text – only to find out that, in-person, there’s nothing there.
The other issue is swinger parties and clubs. Though I prefer this venue to dating sites (at least I can see the people in person, chat, and make the decision to commit or casually move on without hurting anyone’s feelings), they very much feel like “meat markets”–which, let’s face it, they are. Everyone eyeing everyone else looking for someone (or two someones) to fuck. There’s just something sort of distasteful about the whole affair.
6) Disagreement over where it should start and where it should go.
In a perfect world, it would all start from acquaintances…moving on to friends with benefits: friends with whom sex just happens on occasion…when it feels right to all parties involved…not as a condition of hanging out…not as an expectation But where do we find friends like this if we don’t hit the dating sites and search for them? It isn’t like swingers wear an identifying hat or arm band (maybe we should?) that makes them easy to find in public. And then, if we make friends via one of these avenues, there’s the overarching expectation that we’ll have sex.
Daddy searches couples out, contacts them, converses via email, we meet, we have sex…and from there – he’d like to keep in touch and build a friendship.
I suppose either way is fine – acquaintance to friend to sex or acquaintance to sex to friend. But, we are both coming from opposite directions on this…due to #3 and #5…and # 8…
For me, it’s about the sex. I have plenty of friends who are “just friends” – and prefer to keep my sex life separate from them, as I don’t want to fuck them up (I’ve tried…and it’s failed…and thankfully our friendship is still in tact). So, swinging, in general, is about finding people to have sex with. For him, it’s about relationships and making friends. Sex doesn’t make me jealous. Relationships do. I guess, deep down, I’m afraid of him falling in love with someone (not out of love with me, mind you) and having to deal with that whole polyamory thing – which is not something I want to get involved in. It might work for some people – which is lovely…but for me, it just isn’t an interest.
7) I can’t handle single women.
I’ve already tried to deal with a single woman. And, really, I’m not cut out for it. Yes, it’s a jealousy issue. And yes, I should get over it. If only it were that easy. So, that being said…it means we’re stuck with problem #2 from above.
I can’t wrap my head around Daddy having a “play-thing”…though that would solve a lot of issues (though create a whole pile of new ones, I suspect). But, I don’t want to “swing” as often as he does. (We’ve come down to agreeing on once a month…and even then, we usually don’t get around to it due to scheduling conflicts.)
This presents a difficulty. Yes, he’s my Daddy. And yes, he has the final say. But, we’re husband and wife first and foremost. And we’re best friends. And he truly cares about my happiness…so the likelihood of him just doing what he wants because he can isn’t very high. I suppose he could push the issue, but as he isn’t really my “master”, I don’t have to go along without complaining. Oh I try to accept things and make him happy, but…
8) I’m not as into it as Daddy…until the moment is upon us.
This presents another difficulty.
When I’m in the moment, things can be grand. But, as I don’t like dating, don’t like perusing the dating sites, am too shy to just proposition people in public, and can’t handle him having a plaything – we’re at an impasse. Basically, it means either I suck it up and play along – even when I don’t want to…or I give in and let him have something on the side so I can be done with it.
Hmm…not likely. Neither of us would really be happy with that. I’d be pouty. He’d feel it. It just wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone.
The build-up caused by too much time to think about and prepare for a “meeting” is usually negative for me. I think about it long enough that I just talk myself out of it. And once I do that…well…there’s little hope of getting myself back on track. But, as I’ve explained, I rebel against having it sprung on me, as well. I don’t take well to surprises (been there, done that…didn’t work out well).
Right now…I’m not painting a very enticing picture of myself, I know. But I AM being honest. I’m a conundrum, even to myself. I genuinely like having sex…with my husband…with other men…with other women. But, I hate planning it, feeling obligated/pressured, or facing disappointment after disappointment. Really, I know I’m hard to get off – and I make it plain that my mind needs to be fucked just as hard as the rest of me – and I know Daddy is an amazingly intuitive and responsive lover, but hell! The number of pathetic attempts I’ve suffered through really has me sour on the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good memories…but they are heavily outnumbered by the less-than-appealing.
And it’s probably also important to note, this was not part of the game plan when we got married. I hadn’t even thought about it. The most I knew about swinging was that some people…somewhere (mostly in the 70’s) did it. End of story. And when Daddy brought it up to me as a possibility for us, it didn’t go over well – I cried and wondered if he was planning on trading me in for a newer, younger model. Of course…I’d just had a baby 3 months before – so maybe his timing could have been better. He’s spent the better part of our marriage coaxing me deeper into the “game” – and I’ve been anything but an easy convert.
I don’t want to make it sound like he “forces” me or “makes” me do anything. Because he doesn’t. I’m in full control of my own actions here.
9) It causes tension in our marriage.
Sometimes I’m into it. Sometimes I’m not. But Daddy’s always into it. So, it’s hard for him to see where I’m coming from. And since I’m usually the deciding factor (let’s face it, if I’m not into it…we ain’t doin’ it) there’s a lot of pressure on me to “want it” and to be the “awesome wife who loves to fuck any number of people and let her husband watch and loves to have her husband fuck other chicks and gives him the go ahead to do whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases whenever he pleases…”
I probably shouldn’t feel this way…but in the process of going to clubs and parties and meeting up with other couples, we have met couples where the woman just seemed to be “that perfect wife”. The dream wife who permits everything, is always horny, and never questions her husband’s desires. It’s basically open-season all the time. I guess I have a hard time believing women like this truly exist (outside of porn)…but I’ve been assured (by them – and my readers) that they do.
Okay. So, even if I buy it, I know I’m not one of them…which leaves me feeling like a disappointment to Daddy, since I know he (and most other men) would kill to have a wife like that. Since I’m not that wife, I end up feeling guilty… And to complicate matters, Daddy is just like “the perfect wife”…willing to let me have total freedom, open to anything, permissive as all get out. He doesn’t ask for anything he wouldn’t give me in return. This, of course, makes me feel like a stingy little brat – but in many way – I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for being the way that I am. Regardless of some modern trends, I don’t believe everyone should feel obligated to accept the ideas of an open relationship.
10) Fear of disease and pregnancy…and drama…and complication…
I can’t tell you how many nightmares and daydreams I’ve had about the prospect of sexually transmitted diseases or Daddy getting some other woman pregnant. A little “on-the-side” fun could quite easily become an absolute goat-fuck, destroying families, causing drama, and ultimately ruining marriages. I can’t imagine having to explain to people the custody issues involved in something like that – “Yeah…we’re paying child support to some other couple for a child we didn’t want and who isn’t mine…but it wasn’t an affair – I was there when he fucked her…and I was cool with it then…but…”
Of course – there are things I like about swinging, too. Do a search on “swinging” and/or “swingers” on my site…or check out my topic labels to find several positive posts. It isn’t all doom and gloom, really. I’ve had some great experiences and met some kick-ass people. And ultimately, my marriage, my ego/self-image, and my sexual evolution have all benefited from the things I’ve done.
As I stated at the beginning of this post, there are pros and cons to everything. It’s all about finding a good balance between them or deciding to live on one side of the fence or the other (with an occasional visit to the other side?).
I suppose, also, it has a bit to do with my perfectionist ideas about what I want. For me, having an “organic” sexual experience with someone other than my husband every once in awhile is a far superior option to just having sex with other couples to have sex – hoping to eventually stumble across a jackpot. It doesn’t fulfill any great need for me. Don’t get me wrong…let me say it one more time, loud and clear…I like having sex with other people – but in true “spoiled little girl” form…I want what I want, the way I want it, and when I want it. And it’s hard to make someone else happy with that mindset. So, I occasionally and willingly have sex with people I’m not really attracted to and endure their ill-conceived notions of what makes a woman happy in the sack (really? this works for your wife?)…to make Daddy happy, whom, I might add, never seems to have a problem getting women off, and I’m glad to share his powers with other women. I just wish I could get lucky enough to find a man who, even if he didn’t have the knack, could at least follow instructions and didn’t just expect me to give him an earth-shattering blowjob with little to show for it in return.
Am I expecting too much?
Read the follow-up post “10 Things I Like About Swinging”.