I’ve been considering this post for some time. After reading Kacie Cunningham’s Conquer Me, I found myself thinking about this new-to-me concept of active dominance and active submission.
Because Daddy and I are in a fairly new place (I’ve always been submissive to him, but we’ve really begun to tease things out to a whole new realm for our relationship), and I’m only now learning the correct terminology for things (finding words…finding my submissive voice?) and finding/creating definitions so that I (and we) might truly name the process we are undertaking, I’m probably a bit behind the curve here.
But, as this is my blog…and a log of my own ideas and experiences, I suppose things will come up when they come up…even if the whole world already knows about it.
For tonight, I’m really just clarifying things for myself, more than anything.
Let’s start with Cunningham’s definitions:
Active dominance is when the Dom/me takes a direct hand in their own dominance. He/she actively seeks ways to exert his/her dominance and create a power exchange relationship. He/she is not passive, allowing the submissive simply to serve and find ways to be submissive without the need for the dominant to respond.
Likewise, active submission is when the submissive takes a direct hand in his/her own submission. He/she actively seeks ways to exhibit his/her submission towards the dominant and doesn’t just wait for the dominant to tell him/her how to serve/act.
It might seem like a “duh”. But not all D/s relationships involve two active participants. And they don’t have to. A submissive can be submissive without being told how (though it helps). And a dominant can let him/her serve as the submissive chooses (seems sort of against the idea of submission…but it happens, I’m sure). Also, a submissive can simply do as he/she is told, without ever offering ideas for how the relationship should go.
Personally, I need it both ways. I need my dominant to actively engage me as a submissive: give me tasks, provide requests, make rules, hold me to them, set goals for me, help me to reach them, etc.
But as a submissive, I also feel I should offer up ideas not only for how I would like to serve, but how I would like to be dominated.
Luckily, my D/s practices are enveloped by a deeply loving marriage. There is room for screw ups and mistakes. There is room for growth and exploration.
I can honestly say, I am happy that Daddy and I have made it where we are today.
But, where will we go tomorrow? Well…we both need to be more active in our roles. I think it is easy to become complacent – to label something and then forget about it. So… he’s my dominant, and I’m his submissive. Check. We have some rules. Check. I don’t tell him no. Check. We’ve got the basics covered. But, how do we make it better? Especially when he’s on night shift and gone for much of the week. We fall out of practice. We live our normal day to day…and days go by without much D/s flavor at all.
It’s those daily rituals. And I’m honestly not very good at them. I am terribly forgetful (hence the regular spankings). I’m supposed to have a 5 minute “meditation” session in which I only think about Daddy and me and our relationship; and then I’m supposed to call or text him when I am done, so he knows I did it. I’m also supposed to orgasm every day…either by Daddy’s doing, or my own. But, if I do it myself, I have to text or call to ask permission, so he’s aware I’m doing it.
Daddy is actively providing ways for me to show him my submission. And I suck (not in the good way).
He also told me I am to come up with a new way to serve him every month. It can be small (like last month…I promised to start folding his socks – a task I abhor). Basically, he’s forcing me to be more actively submissive. To take some responsibility for the strength and health of our relationship.
So this month, I have a new way to serve him. To send him a photo/visual/video every day. Not necessarily naughty…just a photo to accompany my “5 minutes” text/call. I’ll post it on my “diary” site, so you can follow along if you like.