I posted this a few days back, but as I could see where the comments were headed, I felt I needed to “re-work” this and clarify a few things. I think it’s easy to just say I’m a crazy bitch here, and leave it at that. And it’s also easy to say Mr. LL is a weak Dom, as well. But, honestly, neither of those things are true. We ARE new to this. And I CAN see how that could be a criticism – that maybe we’re too new at it ourselves to be adding a third person to the mix…a person with different dominance needs, say, than I have.
What it comes down to is this. Mr. LL has always been dominant…even before we decided that we might want to go further down this road and actually try a full-on, 24/7 D/s relationship. I think it can be hard to go about it this way…and I’d be interested to hear how others feel about it…going from a “normal” love relationship/marriage with a D/s flavor to an actual 24/7 D/s relationship. It’s not like I searched for a Dom online, met up with him, enjoyed a D/s relationship, eventually fell in love, married him, and continued to fulfill my role as sub. It’s more complicated than that, because I AM giving up autonomy, and it IS changing our relationship in some very significant ways.
So, while I may always have had submissive tendencies, I have not always had to just “do what Sir says.” Ultimately, this isn’t a matter of Mr. LL not having control over me. For him to select a second sub, do what he wants with her, and just tell me to suck it up, would go against who we are as husband and wife…as lovers. While he may be my dominant, I am an equal player in the decisions that are made that affect our life. And my feelings are paramount to him.
The best part of this whole situation is that it forced me to face some pretty intense emotions, and in doing so, to figure out that I needed more “dominance” from Mr. LL. I told him that it was quite possibly the fact that he gave me too much say in this situation that led me down the path of fear. This was new to both of us. And so after a long discussion, Mr. LL bought me a notebook and told me to do a few things…to write out my needs and wants and to freewrite about what I wanted from our D/s relationship. I did just that. And I ended up writing about the time in my life I felt the most secure, the most protected. I wrote about childhood. I wrote about my father. Naturally, the next assignment he gave me, after reading that was to research “Daddy” and “babygirl” as they were referenced in the BDSM world.
Now I don’t see myself as being overly naive, but really, I thought I knew what I was going to find out. I didn’t expect to be saying, continually, as I read through other peoples’ experiences, essays, and definitions, “Hey, that’s me! That’s us! That’s what I want.” Another fucking epiphany.
So I completed my “needs” list and explained what it is about the Daddy/little girl dynamic that I liked most. I’m not into age-play. I don’t plan to wear a diaper or suck my thumb. For me, for us, it isn’t about that. It’s about my head. I need from him all the same things I needed as a child. And though we both accept that I am a grown woman, with desires and emotions that a child does not have, the implications for our relationship were clear. I need foundation, approval, emotional training, guidance, rules, rewards/punishments that I perceive as fair, clear expectations… And much like a child (and possibly unlike any other kind of sub), I need to know WHY he is doing what he is doing…when I am punished or a rule is set in place (even if it is for his own gratification only) I need to know why. In our house, with our kid, “because is not an answer” has sort of become a joke. We honestly feel that way. For me to respect Daddy, he can’t be perceived as arbitrary…lording his power over me just because he can. I am not a slave. I do not always do as I am told. Of course, there are consequences for that – and I expect them most of the time. If I do not…if I don’t know what I have done wrong – or if it is the first instance of wrong-doing – it deserves time and conversation, to add it to the “rules” before I am punished for it the next time.
The best part of this for me, is…I get to relinquish control in a lot of areas. So, Daddy naturally takes more of it.
We are designing this as we go, based on what works for our relationship. So, I am hoping to avoid criticism for our lack of D/s-ish-ness. Am I the best sub? Not yet – because I’m still defining my role…my needs…my wants. Daddy wants to be the best Dom FOR ME – and that entails knowing those things.
So, with that very verbose introduction…here is the post I deleted yesterday:
As promised…this is the email that I composed for A:
I’m not particularly sure how to go about this…other than to apologize profusely and just say what I have to say. Sorry if I ramble. I’m a bit heady.
I don’t plan to go into great detail about my epiphany (I have done so ad nauseum on my blogs…which are obviously available to you, and I hope you read them).
Last night, I pretty much broke. But, it was a good thing. And today, I’m feeling a bit grateful to you.
I’ve have moved clumsily through almost every emotion since last night – but my initial panic/freak out isn’t something that can be quelled in a short amount of time.
I’ve learned so much about myself and my relationship with Mr. LL through the little amount of contact we have all had. I’ve learned more about his needs…and maybe more importantly…more about my own.
It really wasn’t until last night that I became truly introspective – questioning what I was getting out of this and what I, personally, wanted. I was too concerned about his happiness and hurting you.
What it comes down to is I’m not ready for this. Only recently has Mr. LL become my true Dominant. As I told him today…I haven’t even come to terms with my own place in our new dynamic. It’s like I’m learning to ski…I can make it easily down the “bunny hill” and suddenly he’s interested in bringing along another person who has more experience at this and I’m supposed to feel comfortable with that…and have fun…and learn…
I’m too competitive for that. I find myself stupidly and immaturely wanting to be a better sub than you…learning how to please him in a way that will make him disinterested in you.
And that kind of jealousy isn’t healthy for any of us.
I have insecurities because I lack knowledge of my place…my role. I haven’t had a chance to yet prove myself as a sub, and I’m already feeling inferior.
That isn’t your fault. You were seeking a single dominant man…and instead – you got yourself mixed up with a married man with an insecure wife who can’t seem to voice her own needs and desires properly.
I’m learning. And I’m sorry. I’m aware that you are in a vulnerable position…and I have no other words for you than that I deeply regret any discomfort that may have already been caused.
I, however, have to think of myself first this time. I need Mr. LL to be my Dom first. I do not have the capability to share him at this time. And it isn’t fair to ask you to wait for what may end up being an indefinite amount of time. Nor do I want the pressure to hurry and “get used to it” for everyone else’s sake.
Mr. LL is a wonderful and patient man. And I don’t have any problem making him take his time with me. But, I cannot and will not ask that of you.
I whole-heartedly wish you the greatest success in finding a proper Sir…who does not have an attachment…and can focus on your needs. It is an amazing thing to have that. I am only just beginning to learn just how amazing.
And here’s my crazy, bi-polar follow up a day or two later…before I had journaled about my needs and figured out some of the basest things I wanted from our D/s relationship. I was pretty much flailing emotionally because I felt a lack of stability and a lack of direction. But, I submitted my will to Daddy…explaining that I wasn’t just going to stop being jealous or emotional…you can’t just beat that out of someone (literally or physically)…but that I trusted him and realized that he knew what was best for me and that he would make sure that I wasn’t hurt. It is his job to protect me and challenge me to try things that frighten me. So after making that decision, I wrote this email. Both Daddy and I fully understood that what we were asking was quite possibly unfair…but it is up to her, after all. I simply laid the ground-work for a possibility. Did it/does it scare me? Yes. But do I trust Daddy to make sure I make it through everything alright? Yes.
So here’s the 2nd email.
Probably, I imagine, an email from me is the last thing you expected.
Especially full of the information I am about to provide.
Mr. LL has given me the assignment of writing to you, for two reasons – first – so he doesn’t seem sneaky and underhanded if he contacts you, and – second – so I have to put on paper the things I’ve been told to soul search about over the past day or so.
I have to admit…the discussions that have been caused by our involvement with you (or, rather Mr. LL’s involvement with you) have sparked some major epiphanies for us both.
Anyhow, I don’t want to sound wishy-washy or crazy – though I am probably a bit of both…but, I have decided that I am willing to give this a go…again….still – as it has only been a day since I said no.
You might wonder what the hell has made such an impact that I would change my mind so quickly…or at all.
Well, I learned from this that I need Mr. LL to be more of a dominant to me…more than he really thought that I needed. I need him to just make decisions and challenge me. He actually had me buy a journal and gave me a writing prompt…and based on that writing prompt had me do some further research. As a result of that, I’m learning what kind of Dom I need him to be for me and what kind of sub I want to be for him. With that, of course, comes all of the little nuances that a D/s relationship entails – which are very personalized.
I’ve investigated and admitted my greatest weaknesses: jealousy, insecurity, fear… And I’ve pinpointed ways to address those…mainly that I need to feel safe, protected, cared for, and that my emotions need to be accepted but also challenged.
In an effort to address that, we started talking about what it is that scares me so much about you being involved with Mr. LL. Mainly jealousy, your taking time away from me or our family, you trying to take him from me or requiring more from him than I am willing to allow.
But, as I laid out what I needed from him as a Dom, one of the things I need most is for him to coach me through my insecurities and emotions, to prove to me through experience that they are for naught.
He has accepted the challenge…a challenge he hadn’t really expected of me. And which I didn’t really know I had myself. I think I was actually jealous of the domination he was offering you because I wanted it for myself and didn’t know it.
He has begun to lay down the ground rules – to take me under his wing…and his hand.
It makes me comfortable enough to accept your existence in his life. With certain limits.
In an earlier email to you…I posited that I be involved but only through a chaperone-like role. Mostly because I didn’t seek you out…he did. This is his desire, not mine. I want to see and have my eyes and hands in everything because it makes me feel safe.
When Mr. LL and I first started swinging, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle watching him fuck another woman. But, it ended up not bothering me a bit. Then, I stopped caring if he was even in the same room. Now, there are certain people I wouldn’t care if he had sex with at any time, if he let me know first.
Experience is my balm. The unknown is nothing but fear.
And this is all unknown territory for me. He is calming my fear, like a good Dom should. And he is also challenging me to accept things that make me uncomfortable.
You are one of those things. But, I think you are well worth the risk – if you can accept my insecurities and allow Mr. LL the time to deal with them. I’m not promising I won’t continue to freak out on occasion. But it is his job to deal with that, not yours. And our relationship is sound. Any drama caused is most likely going to be cathartic and lead to evolution.
Mr. LL and I still need to lay down ground rules. You need to be involved in that. If you are willing, that is.
She has responded…only with “I still need time to think about it…” And do I blame her? Absolutely not. Would I be afraid to step into a relationship like this one, if I were her…especially if I were a “true” sub and vulnerable? Yes.
Anyhow, I felt this post needed clarification – more back story – so you could see that a lot happened in my head and in my relationship between the first email and the second.