At the risk of inviting judgement and evaluation, I’m going to kind of “think on paper” here for a moment. It’s how I figure shit out, so bear with me, and by all means, feel invited to join in on the conversation in my head; there are a plethora of voices going at it in there already, so a few more can’t hurt…too badly.
Anyhow, Mr. LL and I are experiencing a “growth period”, so to speak. We’re a happily married, professional couple with children. From the outside, we are pretty “traditional”. We both work, we are responsible, we have a nice house, decent cars, attend community events, and are in the public eye quite a good deal.
At home, as many/most/all of us sex bloggers know, things are not as they seem to the outside world.
But, our personal life/sex life has morphed and become more complex as the years have passed.
When we first met, we had a lot of sex…with each other. None of it is what I would consider overtly “kinky” or “alternative” in any way. We discussed “fantasies”…things like adding a 3rd person to the party, contemplating a girl-crush I’d had in college, having sex in public places, etc.
After we were married, Mr. LL posited the idea of “swinging”, which initially went over about as well as a hot pink Prius on a cattle ranch. After a lot of soul-searching, deep conversation, and research (on my part) – we dove in. And it has been, mostly, a positive experience, though we don’t do it that often and wouldn’t consider it a “lifestyle”. More of an occasional hobby, I’d say; but through this, I’ve been able to explore my bi-sexual side (which has grown from a thought to a semi-regular occurrence, and a definite part of who I am now, since we began experimenting with other couples).
Now, we are on a new path – examining, constructing, and experimenting with D/s. It’s a natural fit for us, as we are “power-wise” a very traditional couple. I prefer that he “be in charge” of most things. I feel “protected” by him, and expect him to be the strong one in the family – both emotionally and physically. I do not feel “less than” or “weak” because of it, however. I do the majority of the housework, but he cooks (I hate it and really just don’t have the creative knack for it, which he does). He does the majority of the yard work and all of the vehicle maintenance. I make many of the decisions relating to children and home. We make financial decisions together.
You get the point. We are almost as close to the Cleavers as a family can get in these modern times…and honestly, if he could con me into greeting him at the door in a dress, pearls, and heels everyday, he would.
So, over the last few years, Mr. LL has thrown in a few “Dominance” moves in bed…hair-pulling, rough control, calling me a “dirty little slut/whore”, tying me up. And somehow – maybe I’m not completely sure anymore, as it has all happened so gradually – we’ve found ourselves in the beginning stages of a defined D/s relationship. In response to our initial interests in the power-play, my preference for being controlled sexually, and his ability to control me (and get off on it), we’ve begun to do our research. Not so much because we are looking for the “rules” or instructions on how to do this according to someone else. Rather, we are looking for possibilities, examining the experiences of others, and trying things on for size, to create a tailor-made brand of D/s that fits our life and our needs.
In the course of my reading, I’ve found people who feel that there are set definitions and certain ways to go about having a D/s relationship. I’ve also found people who feel it is up to the people involved. Basically, I’ve created for myself, from all that I’ve read so far, a continuum of submission and Dominance, ranging from slave to Dom/me. I can already say, that we are not “leather” people. We do not do “whips and chains” or “humiliation” and have no particular interest in creating a “dungeon”. We don’t frown up people who do, we just know this isn’t for us.
Some, who are deeply embedded in the BDSM culture might say that we are then, by definition, not D/s.
I’m of the camp that we are what we say we are. We are what we believe we are. Especially when it comes to our private/sexual lives. I don’t necessarily need to have a label. I guess I’m just looking for a way to discuss it, a way to “name” it, and, of course, a way to find more information on it…and the search terms are fairly standard on this one.
We are early in our navigation. Just starting to figure out what we want and how we want it to be. I’m sure I’ll be discussing it here, as I process the evolution of our relationship.
For now, suffice it to say, I like where we are headed. I like being submissive in many regards…but I also like being respected and considered equal. Do I consider myself as “property”? No. But, I do consider myself a “possession”. One might call it semantics, but to me, the words that we use to define ourselves help us to make sense of who we are, not only to ourselves, but to others.