On embracing submissiveness

At the risk of inviting judgement and evaluation, I’m going to kind of “think on paper” here for a moment.  It’s how I figure shit out, so bear with me, and by all means, feel invited to join in on the conversation in my head; there are a plethora of voices going at it in there already, so a few more can’t hurt…too badly.

Anyhow, Mr. LL and I are experiencing a “growth period”, so to speak.  We’re a happily married, professional couple with children.  From the outside, we are pretty “traditional”.  We both work, we are responsible, we have a nice house, decent cars, attend community events, and are in the public eye quite a good deal.

At home, as many/most/all of us sex bloggers know, things are not as they seem to the outside world.

But, our personal life/sex life has morphed and become more complex as the years have passed.

When we first met, we had a lot of sex…with each other.  None of it is what I would consider overtly “kinky” or “alternative” in any way.  We discussed “fantasies”…things like adding a 3rd person to the party, contemplating a girl-crush I’d had in college, having sex in public places, etc.

After we were married, Mr. LL posited the idea of “swinging”, which initially went over about as well as a hot pink Prius on a cattle ranch.  After a lot of soul-searching, deep conversation, and research (on my part) – we dove in.  And it has been, mostly, a positive experience, though we don’t do it that often and wouldn’t consider it a “lifestyle”.  More of an occasional hobby, I’d say; but through this, I’ve been able to explore my bi-sexual side (which has grown from a thought to a semi-regular occurrence, and a definite part of who I am now, since we began experimenting with other couples).

Now, we are on a new path – examining, constructing, and experimenting with D/s.  It’s a natural fit for us, as we are “power-wise” a very traditional couple.  I prefer that he “be in charge” of most things.  I feel “protected” by him, and expect him to be the strong one in the family – both emotionally and physically.  I do not feel “less than” or “weak” because of it, however.  I do the majority of the housework, but he cooks (I hate it and really just don’t have the creative knack for it, which he does).  He does the majority of the yard work and all of the vehicle maintenance.  I make many of the decisions relating to children and home.  We make financial decisions together.

You get the point.  We are almost as close to the Cleavers as a family can get in these modern times…and honestly, if he could con me into greeting him at the door in a dress, pearls, and heels everyday, he would.

So, over the last few years, Mr. LL has thrown in a few “Dominance” moves in bed…hair-pulling, rough control, calling me a “dirty little slut/whore”, tying me up.  And somehow – maybe I’m not completely sure anymore, as it has all happened so gradually – we’ve found ourselves in the beginning stages of a defined D/s relationship.  In response to our initial interests in the power-play, my preference for being controlled sexually, and his ability to control me (and get off on it), we’ve begun to do our research.  Not so much because we are looking for the “rules” or instructions on how to do this according to someone else.  Rather, we are looking for possibilities, examining the experiences of others, and trying things on for size, to create a tailor-made brand of D/s that fits our life and our needs.

In the course of my reading, I’ve found people who feel that there are set definitions and certain ways to go about having a D/s relationship.  I’ve also found people who feel it is up to the people involved.  Basically, I’ve created for myself, from all that I’ve read so far, a continuum of submission and Dominance, ranging from slave to Dom/me.  I can already say, that we are not “leather” people.  We do not do “whips and chains” or “humiliation” and have no particular interest in creating a “dungeon”.  We don’t frown up people who do, we just know this isn’t for us.

Some, who are deeply embedded in the BDSM culture might say that we are then, by definition, not D/s.

I’m of the camp that we are what we say we are.  We are what we believe we are.  Especially when it comes to our private/sexual lives.  I don’t necessarily need to have a label.  I guess I’m just looking for a way to discuss it, a way to “name” it, and, of course, a way to find more information on it…and the search terms are fairly standard on this one.

We are early in our navigation.  Just starting to figure out what we want and how we want it to be.  I’m sure I’ll be discussing it here, as I process the evolution of our relationship.

For now, suffice it to say, I like where we are headed.  I like being submissive in many regards…but I also like being respected and considered equal.  Do I consider myself as “property”?  No.  But, I do consider myself a “possession”.  One might call it semantics, but to me, the words that we use to define ourselves help us to make sense of who we are, not only to ourselves, but to others.

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  • Octavia

    If your post goes the way of many I've seen on the same kind of topic, be prepared for a maelstrom of feedback. My wife and I are in an almost identical position, only a few months further along. We dove into the experimentation head first and found ourselves in the company of people who wanted to define our relationship as something not quite up to their standards (ie chains, suspension, full dungeons and 24/7 dominance roles).The only terminology that we found to be acceptable to the masses are the ones we've invented ourselves.Best wishes,Octavia

  • Michael Malflic

    I can relate all too well and still at times struggle with where does our relationship/ preferences / kinks. My standing joke is the dog doesn't even wear a collar. Which is ironically true.Despite what many people focused on a single set of rules or protocols say there are a lot more folks out there doing kink in a way that works for them who are happy than I ever imaged a few years ago.

  • Brigit Delaney

    I fully expect that there will be some people who want to subvert my experience and relegate it the confines of the accepted vocabulary or the way they think it should be. I think that's what I'm trying to get at here…maybe not well, but I'm trying. I want to explore things, and write about them (since that is how I process the world)…and since I'm doing it publicly, I'm inviting not only supportive conversation, but also criticism. I'm sure I'll be writing more about this over the coming months…maybe years. And I agree with you that it is usually our own terminology that best describes our circumstances. I guess my goal, other than simply figuring my own shit out, is to share my experiences so that others may benefit from them.

  • Brigit Delaney

    I agree, Mick. That's what we're attempting to do…and hopefully, mine will just be another voice…another experience that someone might stumble upon in their meanderings across the internet…to help others on their own journeys.Magic formulas don't exist for any part of life…but I do think that examining the lives of others and their opinions can help us to develop our own.

  • Brigit Delaney

    It's human nature to transform one's vision of the world to conform to his or her preferences. The only problem with that is when we push our vision on others or criticize them unduly.Considering the people I know, not one of them follows a particular set of rules to which the rest of the world subscribes.So, I hope, rather than criticism, this post – and the related ones to follow – elicit conversation and thoughtful inspection…as it already seems to be doing.

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