I just love this picture.  It sums up my marriage in so many ways.

The world of D/s.  It can cause a great deal of confusion.  Even the people who are involved in it and have been for some time disagree on what it is and isn’t.  Some say it must involve the standards of BDSM culture (leather, humiliation, pain…), others believe it is something a couple must determine and define for themselves.  I’m of the latter camp.

Some might also find it confusing why a perfectly sane, independent, capable woman would allow herself to be a man’s possession.  They argue that giving in to a submissive role in the relationship undermines women’s rights or sets us back 60 years on our path to equality.  I’m not sure that they’re mutually exclusive though.  Can one not be a feminist and still be submissive by nature, choosing a submissive role in the relationship?  I, personally feel that D/s in no way diminishes the equality of the individuals involved or the respect that they have for one another.

I know, I know…I’ve read up on the “slave” business.  And I fully understand that those particular set-ups do not need to be based on love or respect or equality.  But they CAN be.  When love is at the center of the relationship, I actually think it is essential.  Honestly…if Mr. LL didn’t love and respect me and see me as an equal contributor to our relationship, I wouldn’t be as likely to be doing this.  Realistically, I wouldn’t even be married to him.  But, as the case is…he does, so…why then am I doing it?


Because I like it.

I like being told what to do…by him. I don’t particularly like being bossed around by others…though I appreciate clear instructions and expectations from all of my “superiors” and rarely get them that way. I do like being “bossed” by Mr. LL because – it’s just plain fucking sexy to have a man take the reigns and “have his way with me.”

Several weeks ago, Mr. LL proposed that I wear a collar. Something subtle. Something classy. Something only he and I would really recognize as a symbol of his “ownership” of me. I wasn’t sold on the idea right away. We began searching and had a ridiculously hard time agreeing on what it should look like. What he liked and what I liked were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

My Idea

His Idea

Not to mention, I have a sensitive neck. My skin rashes rather easily…and if a collar is too tight, and I sweat…I’m gonna have a red ring around my neck that will be neither sexy nor comfortable. So, I was more interested in looser versions. But, Mr. LL won out (go figure) and ordered a “training collar” of his choosing…just to see if I liked it and to see if it would fit correctly (as it had to be custom made to fit my neck) before shelling out the cash on the more expensive one.

So, he sends me a text today…telling me to look on my pillow when I get home…which I do – the minute I walk in the door.  And inside pink tissue paper bound ribbon, was this…

Navigating the waters of sexual evolution on your own is complicated.  Navigating them with a partner is more so.  All the negotiations.  And that’s certainly where we are right now…the negotiation table.  Researching, discussing, researching some more, trying things out, discussing, and coming up with our initial “rules of engagement”.

So far…as mentioned last night – we have the beginning stages of a list of rules:

1)  I am not allowed to wear clothing to bed when Mr. LL is home.
2)  When there are no children in the house, I am to wear a dress/skirt/nightgown to allow easy access to my body at all times.
3)  I am to ask for permission before I masturbate.

It’s our own brand of D/s.  Like many others who have embraced this “lifestyle”…we are appreciative of our ability to make choices about how to incorporate it in our daily lives.  For example, I will not be called or thought of as a “slave” and it would completely creep me out to call him “Daddy.”  And he is not interested (thankfully) in truly hurting or humiliating me.  If this is to be a life choice rather than an occasional role-play tool, we have to be consistent, committed, and open.

I have to admit, it all really appeals to my sense of order.  I can be pretty scatter-brained…and I have to multi-task and organize shit for others all day, every day.  It’s nice to have order imposed upon me.  Of course, it’s also nice to have a say in those impositions.

Anyhow, confusion is basically the definition of human existence, in my book.  It is a state of being in which we often find ourselves…but also the one that encourages and allows for the most personal growth.  When we are confused and try to work our way out of it, we create new knowledge (at least for ourselves).

I guess that is what Mr. LL and I are doing…working our way through the sea of conflicting information to find our own place of contentment.

This has been a Wicked Wednesday post.  Click HERE to read the other Wicked interpretations of the prompt: “Confusion”.

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  • Molly

    Lovely piece of writing and I completely agree with you. I am a submissive woman in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I am strong, independent, capable, and a feminist. Being submissive does not mean I can not be, or am not, all those things tooMollyxxx

  • Angelwithatwist

    BEautiful collar. Subtle and tasteful. Like you I love being submissive but my spouse is still kind of laid back in that area. He was raised by a mom who was the leader so for him it is ahuge step to take.

  • Marie Rebelle

    Such a wonderful post of recognition for me. Many of the things you write could have been my own words too. Yes, I too am in a 24/7 D/s relationship, submitting to my Husband, but I also am strong-willed, strong, independent, very capable and running a department at my work. Negotiating with each other is something that Master T and I have done many times and still are doing. It's an ongoing process and our D/s is just that: ours. We do it the way we want to and not the way others think they might dictate us to do. Thankfully, none of the people we know in the scene – either online or offline – have ever told us what we have is 'wrong'.I also agree with you that confusion creates knowledge in the end.Lovely post!Rebel xox

  • Lord Raven

    A wonderful write, it can be a confusing road in the BDSM world. As for me and my wife we are very much into doing it our own way. Sometimes others look at us strange but I say it is to each couple what it is. After all submission is a gift given as much as received. The sub gives what they are willing and the master receives that gift.Thank you for sharing

  • Anonymous

    what a great article! I'm a dom, and have wrote for someone else, but I love this from a subs perspective and it shows that a D/s relationship isnt all pain and humiliation. I have to say though, even as a bloke, you Dom is crap with his choice of collar! I 100% agree with Lord Raven too, submission is a gift – I have 'formal' things that I like to do simply to because of real life situations with life (I wouldnt dream of commanding my sub – currently without – to leave work and come to me, as they/we have bills to pay, or kids might be involved so they dont need to see mum in certain situations).This is the second great blog I've read like this – brilliant writing, well done for helping to 'open the lid' of this world to others who think we are freaks!the other blog was dirtylittlewhispers

  • Brigit Delaney

    Thanks for the blog suggestion…I always love a new read. And thank you all for confirming my beliefs. Lord R and Anon are correct, and I like the way you word it that submission is a gift.

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