Below, I have crafted a compilation of all the worst ads we have seen while perusing swingers personals.  Simply checking SLS and AFF (or better yet, Craigslist) is an evening’s worth of entertainment for us.  And yes, we’re that mean – we get a kick out of mocking other people’s poor spelling and grammar (not that I never make a mistake…but seriously – there is a limit).  The other fabulous part of these ads is the pictures.  Disembodied penises and boobs, close-ups of genitalia, scanned-in/grainy photos, Wal-mart family photos, and pictures that make it obvious the couple has no clue how to keep house or put shit away.  I have inserted my/our comments in red throughout the ad, for your reading pleasure.

And just a side note, before you get started – if you aren’t one – it’s important to know that swingers are normal people – and it goes without saying that most of us are “down to earth”, “like to have fun”, appreciate “like-minded folks”, and don’t expect others to be perfect, in mind or body.  That’s why ads like this drive us crazy…they say everything everyone already knows and give the reader absolutely nothing real to go on.  Substance, baby…that’s what turns us on.  Tell us about your likes/dislikes, as specific fantasy or two…maybe a little description of him and her from the others p.o.v.  Use a semi-colon to spice things up – maybe use a big word or two – a little humor – let us know you’re human!  Stand out in a sea of terrible ads by writing a few succinct paragraphs that actually have some substance and let us know who you are, instead of 4 sentences that say the same thing every other ad does. 

Enjoy!  (And I hope I don’t offend anyone…too much…)

funcpl4U (the screen name should always include “cpl”, a number in the place of a word, “fun” or some really dumb pet name, like “itchy’n’tweet69”)

hi we are happly married couple who is comitted to eachother (Most swinging couples aren’t happy and they love to cheat on each other every chance they get because they are totally insecure.) and secure in our relationship (Never capitalize, and don’t waste time with that silly punctuation…spell check is also stupid, so just avoid it like the cliched plague that it is!) we are easy going (Of course you’re easy – you’re a swinger!) and down 2 earth (No….we thought you were in the sky.) and we luv to laugh (We hate it, so we’ll never get along.) and r looking for like minded folks (Like-minded? We so much prefer to spend time in the midst of people whom we have nothing in common and can’t find anything to talk about.) to hang out with who are FUN (Fun people make us sick.) and enjoy life (We hate life.  And we hate people who love it even more.  They make us want to kick puppies.)we are not ken and barbie (Duh…we never would have guessed that you aren’t little plastic dolls who are missing most of their important anatomy.) and dont expect you 2 B (That’s swell, because you would be sorely disappointed if you did.), but we are hwp and would preffer other’s to be to (Do you even know what that means?  See, we just like hot people in general – which means all types….and what the hell IS hwp?  Is that skinny?  Not skinny?  Basically you’re using a really stupid acronym for “we like what we like but we don’t want to take the time to explain in any real detail what that is because we don’t know how to spell, can’t use punctuation and are typing this ad on our i-phone in the back of a bus on the way to a titty bar after drinking too much Pabst, and we got this really crazy idea to make a swingers ad.).  we luv to meet new people who have interests (Care to expound on “interests”?)we r clean and drug and disease free you must be 2 (Do you really need to say this?  I mean, really?  We assumed you were dirty – we like dirty – and those diseases are sooooooo….hot!)420 friendly (Since that isn’t really a drug, I guess you’re not contradicting yourself at all, now are you?) she is bi-curious (this is a nice way of saying, she hasn’t yet, but she might like to tease you into something she really isn’t sure she wants to do and then say “no”.) he is strait  please email us if you like our profile but no endless emailing (Good god, no!  Wouldn’t want to get to know each other before we start bumping nasties…) nothing weird, no kids animals or potty play (Damn!  We’re all about the wierd and we love fucking kids and dogs while rolling around in our own shit – guess we won’t be able to hang out.). lets get together and see what happens (How about not?)we have many fantasies (But writing about them in an effort to entertain or seduce would take too much out of you, now wouldn’t it?  Besides, it might spoil the first meeting, because if you wrote about them, you probably wouldn’t have a thing to talk about on our first date — except our “vague” interests.) and like to chat we will share them if u ask 😉 (I don’t think I will.)  must be discreet (We were actually planning to take pictures of you fucking us so we could post them on facebook and talk about you at work…using your first and last names, of course.  We were hoping you’d do the same.)


WARNING (Oooohhhh…you’re getting kinky – finally!  Tell me what to do, baby….take command!): and institusions using this sight or any of its pictures YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION (Wow, you finally broke out the capital letters!  Impressive!  Maybe if you exhibited this much passion in the rest of your ad, we wouldn’t be making fun of you.) to use any of are profile in any way if you do it will b considerd a serius violasion of are privacy and we will sue you (Judge Judy is waiting with baited breath, I’m sure.  And the rest of us are shaking in our g-strings.)

please respect our kittehs descretsion

i luv dolfins!

half a roast beef sammich!  yum!
we got shitloads a anal lube and a oxy-actelene tank behind our bed!

A special thanks to my husband for his help in finding/editing the photos for this post and for pointing out that I had spelled “except” wrong (accept).  Good to know someone has my back.

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