Somehow, in my internet travels (I get lost in cyberspace about as easily as I do on the road), I came across this article from the Advocate:  “Stephen Fry: Straight Women Hate Sex”.  Whoa.  Back up…did you say what I think you just said?  Understandably, I had to stop everything and read this ridiculousness.  Here’s my favorite section:

“Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking, ‘God, I’ve got to get my ******* rocks off”, or they’d go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to s**g behind a bush.

“It doesn’t happen. Why? Because the only women you can have sex with like that wish to be paid for it.”

Fry added, “I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want.

While I may not go and hang around in churchyards to do my sexual fantasizing, I do meet up with strangers to “shag” (though not behind a bush)…and I don’t expect to be paid for it (as my darling husband likes to tease…I’m a slut, not a whore; there’s a big difference).  And if I read his comment correctly, the only people in the cold here are straight men.  Apparently gay men and lesbians are having all the good sex these days.  I beg to differ.  While they may be having good sex, I do not believe for a second that simply being homosexual = loads and loads of amazing coitus.  I’m sure there are plenty of gay men and lesbians who are not having sex, are bored with their partner, or are simply unwilling to “shag behind a bush” because they have standards.  To Fry’s credit, the article does accept that he may have been joking and/or quoted out of context.  Really?  The media quote someone out of context?  Never.

Anyhow…this led to the ADD.

Hence this horrendous piece of crap (and yes I do realize he’s trying to be funny…I just find him to be a dreadful failure at it): – “Why Women Hate Sex” and “Why Women Hate Sex, part II” (I would venture to say that women don’t hate sex…they just hate sex with assholes like this guy – even if it is a joke and/or alter ego).

But then, in all seriousness, I came across this forum: – Why do women hate sex? The poster is actually quite well-written and under the very real perception that women do, indeed hate sex…or at least just use it to get what they want.  Hmmmm….makes me think of a great quote one of my friends brought up when we were discussing how to talk to young people about sex:  “Guys play at love to get sex.  Girls play at sex to get love.”  Alright.  I suppose this might be true for some…especially the young.  But, I’m waaaaaayyyyyy past the need to buy a guy’s affection by spreading my legs.  I may have done that in my teens and early ’20s, but age has definitely made me wiser (and hornier).

What I think it really comes down to is this:  society aims sexual gratification at men.  Ads, magazines, porn, etc. are, the majority of the time, geared towards men.  It’s very visual, simple, and to the point.  Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.  Graffic.  Raw.  Emotionless.  Just sex, for sex’s sake.

I’m cool with that now.  But, I usually do expect a little more.  Story, ambiance, mental stimulation to go along with the physical.  Not that men don’t like a bit of that, too.  But, as long as we’re talking stereotypes here, I might as well tell it like it is.

So back to society’s aim…all this sexual stimulation…with men in control and women swooning.  The big hulking manly beast who holds the quivering female in his rough and work-calloused hand.  That’s the image.  And I must say, it’s a hard one even for men to live up to.

For all of the strides that women have made, I’m surprised that this stereotype still exists.  Our Bodies, Our Selves.  The Joy of Sex.  Dr. Ruth.  Penthouse for women.  The Vagina Monologues.  A few women are getting the point.

And ultimately, if women hate sex…it has a lot to do with men.  Yes…indeed, I am pointing the finger (at men, and at the women who helplessly let it happen).  If your girlfriend or wife hates sex…what the hell are you doing wrong?  And if you aren’t doing anything wrong (and be honest with yourself), then get that girl some medical attention.

Let me put it this way.  At 16, the idea of sex was awesome.  The foreplay rocked.  But the sex…well…the sex sucked.  Why?  Because he was 17 and could hardly hold himself in check long enough to care about whether or not I was enjoying it as much as he was.  To his credit, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a lot of control over the situation once the actually sex act had begun.  That is the curse of the young.  Boys tend to come to masturbation earlier than girls.  They figure out what feels good…and, let’s be honest…it just isn’t that hard to get a teenage guy off.  Girls, are a bit tougher.  Many don’t yet know their own bodies well enough to know what they are missing or how to get it.  Guess that is the curse of having our sex organs on the inside rather than the outside.  They’re a mystery to everyone, including ourselves when we are young.

If all goes well…we get to know our bodies better.  It doesn’t mean we can get guys to figure them out, or that we will have the confidence to ask for what we want.  Some girls have that early on.  But, I’d venture to say that a lot of women hold out for fear of sounding bossy or having their desires ridiculed.  Which is silly really.  I’m not sure I know of too many guys who would balk at a statement like…”I want you to put your fingers here, your tongue there, and slow down on the suction.  Eat me like you’re licking an ice cream cone on a cold day…not like it’s melting and you have to gobble it up before it’s a puddle at your feet.  Slow down, and you might just get a puddle at your feet anyway.”  In fact, most guys I’ve talked to would really appreciate the guidance, if the ladies would simply speak up.

With age comes confidence and greater knowledge.  We stop caring about the ridicule, start trusting our desires, and have less fear about sharing our needs.

Especially if we find a lover who is intent on drawing them out.

There is the added trouble of children and their effect on a woman’s interest in sex.  It is true that hormonal changes occur before, during, and after childbirth.  Did I avoid sex after I had a baby?  Yep.  For a lot of reasons.  First of all, it hurt like hell.  Second of all, I was exhausted.  Third, everything in my genetic make-up told me to concentrate on providing for the small one.  It’s a common problem.  Woman has baby…woman focuses all energy on baby…man feels put off.  And, I can totally see why the man might have his nose out of joint.  But, honestly, there isn’t much you can do about it.  Except wait.  And not give up.  And keep pressing the issue.

For me, it took a frustratingly long time for my libido to return.  To the point of tearful arguments and raging hormonal fights.  I cried because he wanted something I thought I couldn’t give.  He cried because his sex life seemed to be over a mere few years into marriage.

Eventually, the drive did come back.  After trying everything…diet, exercise, vitamin D, sleep, medication (which, ultimately seems to have been the kicker).

Did I hate sex during this ordeal?  No.  I just didn’t want it very often.  I was content to avoid it.  Why?  Mostly, I just think my hormones were off.  Which is why I’d say, men…don’t give up on your long-term ladies.  If you aren’t having enough sex…then do something about it.  We nearly gave into marriage counseling (which made me feel like a complete failure), but after talking with my doctor, it looked to be that depression was more likely.  Prescription filled, and voila!

When I came across this post, I felt downright awful for the OP.  But, I found it disturbingly similar to my own situation.  While mine was resolved in a lot less time…the arguments were pretty much the same.  Except for a few details, this could’ve been written by my own husband 3 years ago.  I was content with our sex life (or lack thereof); he was not (duh!).  He felt like he married one woman and was now doomed to spend all of eternity with a sexually frigid bitch.  We’d fight, and I’d come up with ideas of how to make it better.  He’d try them.  They’d fail.  We’d fight again.

Ultimately, it comes down to this.  If both partners are not having as much sex as they want, then both partners are responsible and both will need to come up with solutions and commit to trying them.  I was a resistant party.  I did not want to talk about it, go to counseling, or admit that anything was wrong with me.  I felt like I was being accused…and I felt completely helpless because I truly believed I might be broken.

I didn’t hate sex.  But, I sure didn’t love it.

Sheer determination on my husband’s part eventually pulled us through.  My panic over losing my marriage lent a healthy dose of help, as well.

He tried being more romantic…tried helping around the house more…tried having sex earlier in the evening…and I admitted I had a problem.

In the end, men and women are different.  They need different stimuli.  And to make it more complicated, their needs are forever fluctuating.  Today, I might not need any foreplay at all.  Tomorrow, I might need a lot.  And the next night might just be sexual “fail”.  It isn’t always great.  But, when it is…it’s mind-blowing.  And the more mind-blowing sex a woman has, the more she will want.

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Always enjoy responsibily.
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